I am a little suprised by some of the comments and emails I have been receiving. Let me be clear - My wife is not a horrible person, not a bitch, not a harpie, or any of those other things I will not repeat here. She is a very loving person who will give until it hurts and help anybody who needs it. I don't even know if she has an animal hoarding problem (I am not a psychologist so I can't make this diagnosis), I only know that her behaviours seem consistent with what I have read and others pointed that out before I recognized it.
Yes, she did beat the crap out of me (on a few occasions), and yes she was arrested and charged by the police for assault. The fact is I should have known better than to ever mention selling horses, thinning the herd, or taking horses with me. I probably deserved the beating.
Yes, she has left me out on the street eeking by on a shoestring budget, though I am better off than some as I at least have a car to sleep in and job to go to. (I know I would be really messed up if I had to get in one of those homeless shelters.) I am not even sure she is aware of how I am getting by and since she has the no-contact order she can't really check up on me. I would like to think that if she was aware of this she wouldn't leave the situation as it is (though returning home is not an option for me any longer).
Yes she has had problems with the SPCA regarding her horses (and has been charged and had animals seized) but she really does love her horses and is the most capable and talented horse person I know. She loves her animals and unfortunately she loves them more than me or the family. That is a choice she has made and I have no choice but to live with it. Nothing I can do will change that.
Yes if it had been the other way around I probably would have been locked up and villified and she would have had support out the ying-yang. That is not a problem she created, that is a problem society has created.
Does she have a problem? Well there is an obvious anger issue or the violence would never have occured. An "Animal Hoarding" problem. I suppose only a trained proffessional can make that call and that is not likely to happen because she would not subject herself to that analysis and no-one can make her. I only worry that she gets violently angry with someone else who tries to stand between her and her horses, and that her and the children suffer because of her choices with the horses.
So she is not the devil. She is just a person who know what she wants and is willing to sacrafice other things to have that. A real person with some issues of her own. This could describe any one of us. I know I have issues and I make choices as well. My priorities are just different. If all you can do is send me an email calling her vile names and telling me how to get even STOP. I don't need to nor do I want to hear it.
As for me, I am trying desperately to move on with my life. The good news is I have a couple people interested in buying the car. That would remove a large debt of our backs and free up the lien on on my motorbike which I can then sell and pay off othe debts (though the bike is the last thing in the world I want to part with). All I need now is for her to respond to an email and okay the sale (quickly I hope). I know this will leave me without a roof over my head but it is getting warm enough soon enough that a tent will provide me shelter and hold the few items of clothes I have.
I think I have lost track of which day this is, 11 or 12 I think, but life keeps moving on. As soon as my body is loosened up enough that I can actually move without wincing I am off to try and find another part time job. Wish me luck.
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Have you heard of the denial stage of grief and the guilt stage - you are definitely in those. Your wife does have a problem. You like all of us, are not without your own faults I am sure, but the violence and choosing herds of animals over family are problems. I would be willing to bet you are not the first one she has done this to.
ReplyDeleteYou do not deserve to be beaten for saying things your wife disagrees with.
ReplyDeleteAgreed, not an evil person, but a person who has an easily identifiable illness. The charachterisation of a person who has been charged with an animal related offense, had animals siezed,and has outward anger issues to humans resulting in criminal charges is an dissociative state. I can almost gaurantee a disfunctional up-bringing scenario here. Most definatley you are begining to suffer the highly predictable phase of denial & guilt. Be cautious C.O.M, the next path you must walk will be the negotiative process where in all likelihood, you will find yourself saying and / or doing anything she asks you to in order to re-establish what appears to be a very personally damaging relationship. Your Ex. needs help, of that there is absolutley no doubt. No person of sound judgement would sacrifice a relationship of significance for an animal, no matter how beloved.
ReplyDeleteStay Strong.
I just happened upon your post due to link from the anti-Guzoo website, I visit there regularly and along with MANY others I help document the hoarding and animal neglect, cruelty and abuse going on there.
ReplyDeleteYou are are very brave for telling your story, and as a person who has been in an abusive relationship myself, the way you blame yourself for just trying to communicate your feelings are classic symptoms of domestic physical and emotional abuse. You may be a cranky old man, but an honest one, and for a man to admit his wife has abused him deserves kudos for sharing your story. I'm not saying she is evil, or a horrible person, but she needs help for anger management and hoarding. Making excuses for your abusers behavior is something I did when I was repeatedly beaten for trying to voice my opinion. I became afraid to bring up certain legitimate subjects such as finances for fear of being beat. I felt I caused the fights. I now know he had the problem, and getting a non contact order and prosecuting him saw me for what he was, not the love of my life, but a selfish, narcissistic person unable to truly love or care about me, gambling was his first love, like your wife's horses. I understand the horse market sucks, but how she could let her family go without necessities sounds just like my ex. Luckily I have a wonderful partner who both of us would never accept the care of an animal without the means, savings and land. 30 horses on 3 acres is insane, plus leasing and burdening other and alienating them withthe inability of your wife to care for them properly. 4 way Spring vaccinations would cost $8100 alone, and it sounds like she was in no position to afford that if you left with $20 in your pocket. Nevermind deworming and the farrier, thats another $1800 every 6 weeks, trimming only. Plus an emergency vet care fund for emergencies that always happen with horses, one of the most accident prone farm animals. I have 6 horses of my own, they have 140 acres, plus free choice to A+ quality hay from October to May, which costs approx $5000. I rescue animals, horses, dogs, birds, and am upset by your wife's attitude towards the way the horses have destroyed your marriage, made her erupt into fits of violence. Is she breeding even more? How clean can 3 acres be kept with even 5 horses, how many are on the 3 acres? I hope life gets better for you, but without her, life will slide backwards unless she gets help, but that is up to you, it is a hard road but you can do it.