The Pain Sets In

The work day is over and for the first time in years I went out for a couple of drinks with other staff members.  It was nice, distracting, but when they left I returned to my car, sat down, and cried. The week end is here and I find myself with nowhere to go, nothing to occupy my time, and no-one to be with. The lonliness is utterly overwhelming and to top it off all the stress and all the pain is setting in.  At this point I am not so sure I even want to make it through this weekend.  I find myself now with no family, no friends, no real purpose, and no love.  I truly think that if I were to just disappear no-one would know the difference or really care.
Anger however is overwhelming my thoughts at this moment - mostly at myself for setting aside my own health and welfare over the past couple of years in an effort to save the family money and keep income coming in.  It is probably the lack of food, and sleeping in the cold, cramped car that is aggravating pre-existing problems but I find myself in unbearable pain.
Over a year ago I had an accident that caused major problems with my shoulder, problems that require surgery to repair.  Adding to this I have a breathing and blood pressure problem that complicates other aspects of my life.  I was scheduled for the surgery but in order to get the surgery done I first needed to be on the CPAP machine I was perscribed.  I could not afford the CPAP machine with out adversely affecting the family finances so I did not get the surgery.  Add to this pain the fact that my teeth are litteraly falling out in pieces and I can't eat without being in pain - well I am not a happy man.  I am an angry, bitter man.  I denied  myself my health (so surgery, no CPAP machine, no meds, no dentist) so my family could have more.  I got up and worked every day in pain so my family did not have to suffer.  All for nothing because in the end I don't have a wife and family that give a shit as I sit in this car contemplating another freezing night and trying to plan out how my money will carry me through the next couple of weeks, or if I should even try to get through the next couple of weeks. What really pisses me off is that a herd of horses has put me where I am now and that I rank lower in my lover's heart and mind than those horses.
I think I might be loosing it at the moment.
I am off to Calgary at the moment (the closest big city).  It should be easier to sleep in my car less conspicously than  in the small town I have been hanging out in.  Maybe I can find a way to get a shower as well.  Or maybe I can just head west and drive off the side of a mountain and disappear.