Contemplation

Day 6 - 1/2 way through the weekend (Thank God!)
The library made a nice place to stary warm yesterday but I was a little surprised at just how many loud conversations take place there.  Makes it a little difficult to read.  Spent the evening in a Chapters until they closed and then retired to my car for contemplation and another night of cold, restless sleep.  The sleeping bag helped but not enough.  As a result I am down to half a tank of gas.  Guess I am going to have to make a decision - food in my belly or gas in the car to stay warm - SHIT!!!

My shoulder is in so much pain right now that my arm is almost non-functional.  I find myself typing with one hand just so I don't have to move the shoulder.  I can't find a way to sleep in the car without putting pressure on it.

How did I get here?  Just when I thought my life was heading towards the success and joy I always wanted - an incredibly gorgeous and loving wife who I love(d?) more than life itself, marvelous children (even if they weren't my own), work that I enjoy, and more - I find myself starting from ground zero.  Sure there were financial problems but they can be worked through if everyone puts their mind to it, can't they?  One thing I am sure about now, more than ever is that credit is little more than a binding contract with the devil itself.  If you can't pay for it in cash or physical work (bartering) you don't need it and you shouldn't have it.  There are enough stresses on families these days without wondering just how far into the next paycheck you can stretch things.  A house - maybe.  It is a true investment in your future in most cases but I can't think of anything else that should be financed.

Could it be that I have just been doing too much thinking with my heart and not enough with my head?  My wife would often accuse me off over thinking things and being too logical (which I have a propensity to do) but the truth is the choices and decisions I made were often in stark contrast to what my logic was telling me, because it kept people happy  and there was less "discussion".  Well the good news is that I don't think I have much of a heart left anymore (I am pretty sure mine would make the Grinch's look big) so I don't need to worry about that getting in the way, do I?  I suppose I owe her a thank you for crushing what was left of it!

I need to move forward - I know it - and I know I will be doing it without my wife and family.  So be it.  There are only a couple of things I want as we go our separate ways, my motorbike and the computers with my stories and books on them.  That's all.  I know I said I wanted half the horses (and got the crap beat out of me for saying so) but I don't.  What am I going to do with them?  I would just be recreating the problem we are already in.  My only concern is that leaving all those horses there will result in her ruining not only her own life, but her children's as well because of her obsession (which wouldn't be so bad if she could afford it.  She has marvelous ideas and plans).  Hopefully someone can get through to her.

I have the car up for sale so I can remove the lien from my bike (anyone want to buy a great car?)  I have a contract that will take me to the end of June for work (good money but only part time).  So what is next?

Short term I need to get my feet under me and shelter over me.  If I can hold out this month I can probably get a little tent so I will not need the car anymore.  I will try and find another part time job.

Long Term?  Well now that I am no longer locked into living in that little area near Sundre (which my wife could just not bring herself to let us move away from) I am free to go where I please.  My work and skills easily find me work so I am not overyly concerned about that.  I know that Cape Breton tops my list at the moment, but then I may try to stay around here and see if I can get into the vet program at the University.

Longer Term - A nice piece of land on which I can build a small (affordable) house and support a small herd of Shire horses.  But you can be guaranteed I won't be running up bills doing it.  If I don't have the cash it won't happen!  I will build a true craftsman's house from scratch.  I can take my time and maybe live in a trailer while I build.  The house won't have to be large at all - you don't need much room for one cantankerous old man and I sure as hell am not going to impose my miserable self into some other woman's life. I can not understand why so many of today's houses are so large, often mostly void of its residents most of the time.  I have been in homes thousands of square feet with only a couple of people living in it (when they weren't travelling) and I remember my great grandmother living in a house barely 800 square feet with my uncle. That was cosy and comfortable, easy to maintain inside and out, and left them with not only the financial ability to spend time enjoying things outside the house and the great outdoors, but the necessity to get up of their arses and go outside and do something.  How many families couldn't benefit from that.

Well there is apparantly a heavy snowfall warning for tonight and it is going to get colder.  I still can't seem to get warm at all.  But I need to head back to small town Alberta so I can be near work and find a place to park for the night.