So I think I am in some trouble. The emotional roller coaster I am on is to be expected. The constant swing from loving her to hating her to hating myself (which is probably a valid emotion) and back is to be expected. Combined with reduction in food intake and the crappy food that I am eating (it really is ceaper to buy crap food than good food), my lack of sleep, and my underlying health problems I am a bit messed up.
Not only can I not get warm no matter what I do (I even broke down and bought a sweater), I am seeing stars when I stand or bend and running out of breath walking across a parking lot - a sure sign that my blood pressure is back through the roof. Add to that the twitch in my right hand and I think I know what is coming next. The last time this happened I landed in the hospital and literally lost years of my life from my memory.
So what do I do? Can't really go to hospital and say hey - something is going to happen, can I. Don't have anyone to let know what is going on. Do I plan on waking up in the morning trying to figure why the hell I am sleeping in a car in some strange parking lot? Let's hope not, although forgetting this past week would be nice. I never realized I had this much anger and hatred inside me.
Of course nothing at all may happen (which would be a good thing I think). Just physically a mess until I can get things under control.
I heard a Japanese proverb earlier today. "Fall down seven times, stand up eight" It's a great proverb but how the hell do you stand up when your legs have been cut out from under you.
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