Calgary was reasonably warm last night and today but I can't seem to get warm. Now the snow is falling and the temperature is dropping again. I did stop by Value Village and pick up a sleeping bag so hopefully I can stay a little warmer at night. I also picked up a headset for the computer so I can use skype as a phone. Not money I wanted to spend or could even afford but I need to stay warm and I can't call about jobs or anything else if I can't phone.
I never use to be this bad with the cold but last winter (or was it the winter before) I ended up with frostbite on my feet and hands and I have never been the same with cold since. I may not remember the date clearly but I do remember how it happened.
My wife and I were driving home from a friends and we were having a discussion (about horses). At some point she got so mad she pulled over because I would not argue with her any more. There was no safe alternative - argue my point and let her get violent or get out. I got out.
4 hours later, on the coldest winter night of the year with a light jacket and no hat or gloves I arrived home (we live in a rural area and there was no traffic). It was a long walk and I remember at one point just wanting to lie down in a snow bank and say to hell with it all. Maybe I should have.
When I got home I was told the frostbite was my own fault - that I shouldn't have got out of the vehicle. I suppose it was my own fault but I didn't want the violence. What should I have done?
I love this woman so much but seem to do nothing but tick her off. Why is it that I still desperately want to be with her? Why is it that everyday I don't hear her voice I feel like my soul has been yanked out just a little further? Why is it I just want to help her get through this and make sure she is safe and well?
I realize the relationship is probably over - there is little I can do about it now I assume. I asked the officer who arrested her whether or not other couples who had gone through this were able to work through this. He told me there is more and more occuring in these financially stressful times and some work through it and some don't. I am guessing since she won't or can't talk to me that we won't. How can we if we can't communicate? But then maybe we couldn't communicate anyways.
At this point it probably doesn't really matter does it. If I can get her the car so she can get around with the kids, then I can go and not be a concern to her anymore. I am thinking at this point that might be the best plan.
I know there are those that say I am grieving excessively, perhaps even dangerously for something that is not worth it - but it was worth it to me - every moment. The sad thing is, other than having the car she probably won't even realize I am gone.
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