The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

The Good

It is amazing how things can seem to be at a standstill, even going in reverse until some little rocket comes along and gives you a kick in the pants. My kick in the pants came from a very wise woman. Her statement to me - "You whine and complain that your wife would not seek out or listen to the opinion of others, yet you – while you seek out the opinion of thousands of readers, yet refuse to listen to the advice you are being given. Do yo want to be her?”

Speechless is what I was. This complete stranger tracked me down somehow to where I was parking my car during the nights – rapped on the window – insisted on buying me a coffee, and gave me hell. You know what – I deserved it.

How a stranger tracked me down based on my blogging, I am not sure, perhaps even concerned a little, but the fact is, as i write this I have had more than 3000 hits on this blog. From those hits I have received numerous emails, some good, some bad, some just cruel, but among them have been emails saying “Thank you – I thought I was alone in my battle but I see now I am not. Your words have given me strength.” and “I showed my husband your blog – he read it all – our horses have gone to auction except for the couple we ride. He asked me to do with him to counselling Your words and your story has saved our marriage and our family. May God intercede and help you with yours.”

That is good!! That is beyond good, and they are only a couple of many. I have said it before and I will say it again – If this blog has succeeded in helping only one person it has accomplished more than I could ask for. As the Mountain Hermit, my storytelling persona, I often said that the point of a story can pierce the heart far deeper than the point of a bullet. My words almost stopped here. Hell I almost stopped. But the words will continue, my story will continue, and I hope it is there to help others.

Other good things are happening as well. Things like reuniting with family members who I was estranged from, and friends who were so far in the past that have reached out. Strangers, all of them, who have joined complete strangers in my growing list of friends and support network. This network has made sure that I now have a vehicle to get around in and a roof over my head. Tell me that isn't good!!! In addition to that I have a job interview coming up for a position I was specifically referred for, which I optimistic will translate into that second income I could use.

Other potentially good things include the comment from Sara, a researcher for the Animal Hoarding show. I can only hope that my wife sees that comment and looks into taking advantage of the potential help. It is in my wife's hand now as I know there is nothing I can do for her. Some of the recent comments about me not being a part of the family are a good thing as well. A couple were wrote in a mean spirited way, but they made me think and realize a couple of things. I was not her “sugar daddy”. I believe that at some level she loved me. But I think that the horses are such an overwhelming factor in her heart and mind that she could never really accept all the love I had for her and the children. That is why I am not a part of anything and nothing is mine. Not because she is vicious, heartless and cruel, just not open to anything but her horses.

My wife did completely surprise me by showing up at my place of work on Monday to drop off some blacksmithed furniture that I had made. I had asked her to do that but I didn't expect it to happen. The sad thing about this is that as soon as I got the call that she was there fear took hold of me. Fear that she was there to give me hell, that if I got close enough I would get hit or punched again. Fear that she would do something that would cause me to loose my job. I did not realize just how frightened I am of her, how worried that if she finds me alone I will be beat again. It didn't happen. She was reasonable and I honestly didn't say two words to her. I couldn't even bring myself to look at her because in my heart I want nothing more than to hold her and tell her I love her, despite the fear. I don't know if I told her at the moment but I really appreciate her dropping that stuff off.

That being said, I have a beautiful handmade mahagony table with a hand blacksmithed pedastal base and two blacksmithed, one-of-a kind dog beds which I can not store or do anything with so I have donated them to the school I work at. They will be auctioned off by silent auction. There is probably $4000 to $5000 worth of items there if I had the time to market them properly, and I am sure the silent auction will not get anywhere near that value, but the school will put the money to good use. If anyone is interested in bidding on them contact me at cantankerousoldfart@gmail.com.

The Bad

As so many have recommended I have started seeing a mental health professional. Many can not understand the difficulty this presented to me. With a family member who was deeply affected by mental health issues and so adversely affected by the medications and treatments I live in fear of becoming that person. But I am going. And it isn't horrible. In fact my confidence was gained the minute I was told I didn't need the drugs the doctor wanted to prescribe to me. That alone has created a level of trust that I didn't think I could ever give to a mental health professional.

The sordid details – what I am feeling is exactly what I should be feeling. I have have my life and my family suddenly ripped out of my life, just as sure as if a car accident took them all. Grieving is normal. Anger, hatred, loathing at the person who ripped my loved ones from my life and took my life as I knew it from me – normal. In the counsellor's words he “would be concerned if I didn't feel this way.”

Choosing to keep animals irregardless of costs and effects on the family – not normal thinking – but nothing I can do about it.

Staying with a physically abusive spouse for years, thinking things wouldn't happen again, that they would get better – normal. I am out now and that is a good thing, but the mindset that kept me there was just the same as all those women who stay in the same situations. Sad to say I was one of those men who often asked the question “why didn't they just get out?” I asked that question of my own mother whose alcoholic husband would get violently abusive. I didn't realize until now why. I didn't realize just how strong she had to be to finally get out. My mother is no longer with us for me to apologize to her so I can only hope she is with me on some level and knows just how sorry I am.

I have included some links here about family violence, and why they stay. Yes the articles are primarily directed at women, but it happens to men to, and everyone must realize this. Men if you are in this situation these articles are about you to. I would tell you to get out but I know how meaningless those words can be when you have a family you are responsible for and love, when your finances are tied to the abuser and you can't find the resources to get free, when other men will look down their nose at you and you loose all pride and confidence because as a man you could not deal with this on your own. All I can ask is that you read, and learn, and talk, and pray that you get strong enough to take the actions you need to.

The Ugly

And this is really ugly. The image of my three children staring at me covered in blood, shirt torn to shreds, their mother throwing me to the floor so I can't get to the phones, is so deeply burned into my mind that I see it every time I close my eyes. This is the first time they have seen this bad of a result but not the first time they have been present when my wife went off like this. And according to my mental health workers this is mental abuse to the children. They are right of course, I know it and it tears at me so deeply that every time I think of my children I find myself in tears.

According to the workers I am seeing mental health professionals, my wife should be seeing mental health professionals, but more important than all that, the children should be seeing mental health professionals. At the very least childcare’s services should be called in and checking on them regularly. These counsellors are as frustrated as I am with the situation because as a common-law partner and stepfather there is nothing I can do to make sure this happens. What happens with the children is completely out of my hands now. I don't know if their father reads this blog but I hope he does and gets them the counselling they need. I will gladly give up every last penny I have to see they get the care and counselling they need, whether I get to see them again or not.

The other really ugly. I have taken the advice of many and secured legal counsel. I hate it. I hate having to do it because I know my wife can be a reasonable person. She has been through this herself and wasn't happy with how her partners lawyers screwed her around so I would hope she wouldn't do that to me, but in the heat of the moment sometimes cooler heads do not prevail. Almost universally I have been told to lawyer up. They can't all be wrong. I have taken the advice.

Please take some time to visit these links. They may not apply to you directly but there isn't a doubt in my mind that you will meet someone in your life who the information may help.



Domestic Violence – An Overview of Spousal Abuse


Domestic Violence – An Overview of Spousal Abuse
Domestic violence
Why do women stay? Why don't they leave?

Facts About Spousal Abuse and Men

Domestic Violence and Abuse
Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

If there are more links you think should be here please let me know.