Contemplation, Consternation, & Confusion

I have found myself with extra time on my hands recently. That may seem odd for a person who works two jobs, but those hours in between seem to be very long hours when you don't have people or activities to fill it with. The weather has definitely not made on of my favourite activities, riding my motorbike, very enjoyable. As for people, I do have friends but it is difficult to fit their time in with my strange hours between jobs. I would love to fill my time blacksmithing but that joy has been taken from me for now. There was a time that I would have spent those empty moments writing but with the loss of all my writing I find it difficult to be motivated. I know those last comments sound bitter but I just can't understand how someone can steal someones life and livelihood just so that can have what they want. If nothing else this whole situation has taught me to hate.

That being said, I do spend much of my time thinking these days. In particular my thoughts seem to be focused on a few subjects, which on some level are all intertwined together; fear, love, and the future.

Fear is a big one. It is not a subject that would normally occupy my mind but recent events have highlighted the affects it can have on a person's life. I realize now that it wasn't simply love that kept me in an abusive relationship, but fear as well. Fear of change. Fear of loss. Fear of harm and injury. Now that I have separated myself from that situation I find myself facing a new fear – one that I have never faced before – fear of not being able to open myself to loving again.

Which brings us to the second thing on my mind – love. Those of you who have followed this blog have probably came to realize that I am not a big, tough, take on the world, kind of kind. In reality I am much more of a lover than a fighter. But each of us defines love differently.

There are a host of books out there that will try and tell you what love is, how to find it, how to develop it, and how to hold on to it. What many fail to realize is that love can only be defined by each of us individually. It doesn't affect any two individuals the way. It doesn't develop along a set time line defined by some guru. It is at times an emotion so deep it can not be defined by the person feeling it let alone by someone else. It can also be painful and torturing when it is not understood, not acknowledged or appreciated, or outright rejected and abused. This is why many have closed their lives to others. This, I fear, is where I am at. I know that without love no man can be whole, but there comes a point where it is easier, less painful, to not feel and not be whole. This is how I see my future.

Speaking of the future, how can you plan for that? I have done all that short-term, mid-term, and long-term planning stuff. I was on the path to my goals until one monkey wrench was thrown in (literally in my case). A lot of good all those plans did me – look where I am now.

Plans are just something to allow you to define what went wrong when it inevitably does. I planned to take a friend on a motorbike ride with some of my co-workers, weeks ahead, and then their plans didn't match mine. I planned on having a lovely evening out at Cavalia with a good friend – their plans changed. Plans inevitably go awry. Not always a bad thing. The young mother and her daughter who used my Cavalia tickets benefited from my plans screwing up. I know by the chocolate muffins with “thank you” in nice thick yellow icing that I received today.

I know there is a quote somewhere that refers to the “best laid plans of mice and men” that would fit here, but I am sure you get the point.

That being said, I am a creature of habit, and I can not just wing it. So what are my plans? First of all I am going to get my blacksmithing set back up. I have avoided it up to now despite being offered some smithing jobs. I have let the fear of going into debt again to re-tool hold me back. It is time for me to be moving in one direction again.

My other plans. I suppose they center around the input of a friend right now. Sometime someone elses input is need to figure things out and get you on the right track.