Speed Boats & Super Tankers

 I remember reading that a sea-tanker, after its engines have been turned off, can take 5 or six miles to come to a complete stop, and another two miles to turn around. It occurs to me that people are much like boats of various sizes and shapes.

There are the super tankers who carry a heavy burden emotionally. It takes a strong will for them to change direction and even when they do it takes them 5 miles to slow down and even more to turn around.

Then there are the speed boats. These guys race ahead, sometimes pulling a load or two behind them, but when the driver decides to change direction it can happen with neck wrenching speed. Problem with this is if the driver doesn't know what he's doing he can just as quickly find himself in shallow water trying to avoid the jutting rocks.

What happens when a speed boat decides to join up with a super tanker? That super tanker sure as heck isn't going to speed up or suddenly change direction just to join the speed boat, even though it may want to. But if that speed boat can adjust to travel with the super tanker, it will find itself able to travel deeper waters, shelter from the storms, and able to cross waters it could never cross on its own. Sounds like a perfect partnership, assuming of course that speed boat driver can practice a little patience.

Now for those of you that think this Old Fart has gone off his rocker again and is speaking in riddles, well you are probably right. Those that know this Old Fart might actually understand this analogy, and perhaps even some that don't, but this is the concept that fills my mind these days, though I must say I am more prone to being the speed boat in this analogy. Patience is a virtue they say.

I could go on with this analogy. I know may tug boats, and yachts, a few cruise ships, and even a row boat or two. Oh, and I can't forget the canoes!!! This post is however starting to sound like a children's television show so I will stop here.

Optimistic

It has been a while since I have made a post here. Life has a strange way of getting in the way of living! When you look at where and why this blog initially started and where I am now it is quite amazing to see the transformation. The simple fact is that when this blog started I was really sure I was going to continue on with life. I was in a dark, ugly place and couldn't see a way out of it at that time. This blog, however, saved my sanity and my life according to those who know me, and even the mental health professional who encouraged this outlet for me rather than putting me on medications. I can't argue with them.

Have all my problems resolved now? Not really, but my life moves forward anyways. There are those who have pointed out that my “victim” mindset was completely in my control. Those people are not entirely wrong, though I suspect many of them have never been on my side of that statement. Have I fought back? I think this blog was partially my way of fighting back. I did pursue my complaint against a lawyer who chose to abuse the system (though as expected it seems nothing has come of this complaint). I have filed reports with the police when my ex continued to threaten me with bodily harm after her initial charges went through the courts. This is not something I would have done in the past but the fact that I have to move again so she or the people she is encouraging to help her do harm to me can not find me and I don't have to look over my shoulder or be afraid of going home has ticked me off enough that I refuse to be the victim again.

No, I am not throwing away my hard earned money on a lawyer to fight to get my tools, equipment, and family inheritances back. I hope that someday common sense may take over her rage and she does the right thing and returns this stuff. If not, the fact is what I would pay a lawyer for this fight will probably refurbish my shop and things are just that, things. There are far more important things in life than owning things. I wish her the best of luck as she continues with her horses, and equine dentistry, and hoof care work. I only pray that she finds the ability to maintain her animals and horses as they should be cared for in the future.

I set out in a new direction on the Easter week-end and despite the crappy weather which has kept me off my motorbike for the most part, that direction is taking me in strange and wonderful places. It is bringing new friends into my life, and renewing friendship with friends from long ago. I find myself opening up my heart, which a short time ago I wasn't sure I could put the pieces back together again, and that fact alone is opening up a whole new life for me, and opportunities I would not have seen otherwise.

In my spare time (of which there has not been a whole lot lately) I love to read and I have been keeping track of some quotes that I have found to be relevant to my life. Here are a few.

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift that is why they call it the present."

• Eleanor Roosevelt

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."

• Alexander Graham Bell

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans,"

• John Lennon

"Life is full of spontaneous surprises, so get ready.”

Why are these quotes relevant? They are relevant because the fact is, things really did start to get better as I looked forward rather than backward. They are relevant because, plan as I would, it is those things that you don't plan for, like moving suddenly or new people coming into your life, that are a part of life. They are relevant because seizing the opportunities of the present time, even those that are spontaneously thrown your way, are what make life enjoyable.

For me these opportunities include new friends, jobs I love, and most recently an incredible person that, despite my flaws (of which there are no doubt many), and despite having read through my rants and rages on this blog, has accepted me for what I am and let me be a part of her life. She found that last little pathway into that hardened shell around my heart and let herself in.

People at my age all come with some sort of baggage, and often those bags are loaded with piles of crap we have waded through and shovelled out of the way to get where we are now. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. The optimist in me (which has found its way back out after a long period in remission) says we can take those piles of crap, compost them, and use them to create a foundation for a wonderful rose garden.

Thanks to all who continue to write with their words of support and friendship.

Lonliness

I have always fancied myself a bit of a hermit (hence the pen name Mountain Hermit) but I am discovering that perhaps I am not. As we headed into the Easter holidays I have come to realize that there is a big empty space within me. This is the first holiday like this in a very, very long time that I have spent without having a partner in my life who I love and who returns that love. It has been that partnership, that intimacy, in the past that has been the stabilizing factor in my life. We have all heard the saying that people can be in the middle of a crowded room and still be lonely. It is hard to understand that until you are there.

My feelings are not unusual. In fact you can find entire scientific studies dedicated to what they term as “intimate isolation” or “emotional isolation.” This type of loneliness is apparently very different from other types, and apparently its effects far more profound. I find myself a very lucky man in that, despite my shyness (what I like to refer to as my anti-social behaviour) I have been able to find friends easily, and while I have been relatively estranged from my brother and sisters (by my own choices), they are always there for me (Something I realized as I took part in the first family gathering I have attended in many, many years). The intimate isolation does seem to affect me deeply though.


Memories shared over Easter dinner



I had stylin' clothes when I was young!

There is a Buddhist saying “To be without a reference point is the ultimate loneliness. It is also called enlightenment.” My partners have always been my reference point and I am obviously having a hard time finding the “enlightenment” so with the fair weather and a few days off work I decided to set off on my hog and search for that enlightenment. As one of the commentors on this blog said, “many great stories have started with a man who had nothing but his hog”. By the time I park the bike and return to the work world I will have put on more than three thousand kilometres through mountains, plains, hoodoos, cites, towns, and small communities, and thankfully have made a stop at the family Easter dinner.

My stops also included many small coffee shops as I wrapped my hands around a hot coffee cup to warm my fingers (it was perhaps not the finest weather for hitting the road on a hog), and small restaurants. Now I have spoke in the past of my tendency to eavesdrop in these places. Within one small coffee shop there can be found an entire world of stories and I was amazed to discover that on this long weekend there were many stories that reflected my reality. Perhaps it is because that is the place my head and heart were in that I picked these conversations out, but the stories were there to be heard.

Take for instance the student, sitting with their large group of friends and talking about the party they were at the night before and the party they were going to that night. Their phone rang and he answered it loudly (which I have a big problem with but that is a topic for another day). It was obvious from the side of the conversation I heard that this call was from family or friends he was not going to be able to be with during the holidays. The cheer went out of his voice, his body slumped like a half filled air bed, and he was quiet as he said good-bye. Even his friends noticed the change and asked about it. His response, “enough beer tonight will make it go away.” Loneliness? On some level I think so.

Then there was the old man sitting at the counter eating his supper. From his conversation with the staff behind the counter and others coming in and leaving the restaurant it was obvious he was a regular. When he was leaving he waved and cheerily commented on seeing them the same time tomorrow. I could see the concern in the waitresses eyes when she said they wouldn't be open because of Easter and I am pretty sure I heard the thud of the man's heart hitting the floor. The waitress, and several others offered invitations to the man to join them for Easter but he politely declined. Loneliness? I think I can relate to that one. From the conversations overheard his wife passed away at Christmas, his children are far away, and that restaurant had been his daily hangout since. There were tears in that small town restaurant. This man was not alone, but I am sure few he felt an emptiness that none of us can really understand tearing at his soul.

I was going to wait until my weekend was finished before I posted this blog but I felt compelled to let my readers know what I am seeing because they can help. Holidays are the times of the highest suicide rates, and loneliness is attributed as a leading factor in that. While you are spending time with your families and friends take some time to reach out and look around at others in your circle of life. You will not be able to eliminate that loneliness but you can help someone over the rough times just by being a friend and being there. Take my work on that one. Even the simplest gesture can make a world of difference in someones life.

I am heading off on my hog again in search of that "enlightenment".  Think I have a long way to go to find it.

Moving On

  I am giving up the battle and declaring defeat. According to Sallust ([86 BC - 34 BC], 'Jugurthine War,' 41 B.C. ) “A good man would prefer to be defeated than to defeat injustice by evil means.” This is very much how I feel. Every lawyer I talk to insists on going after my ex for everything she has or has had and everything she she owns. I don't want to to do this. I don't want to destroy her or have her facing the situation I found myself in. All I want are a few of the things that were personal to me or important to my work, not destroy a person just because I can or for the game of it.

  I did retrieve one important item, my motorcycle which is dear to me, and there are other things I can apparently retrieve from the old house, but I have to pay the unpaid bills run up since I have been out of the house to get them. I can't to do this. I have advised the landlord to sell what she can and apply it to my exes bills.

  I am not giving up on my complaint against my exes lawyer. I do think that Mr. Forestell acted in an unethical way in delaying his response to my letters until my stuff was gone or abandoned, and continues to do so by now refusing to accept any communications for his client which means the only way I can legally communicate with her without her violating her non-contact order is to pay for a lawyer to do so. In other words support a system with money I don't have, and support people who only want to go after everything even if that is not what I want. The L aw Society of Alberta is looking at my complaint, so they say, but I have serious doubts that anything will ever come from it.

  I have started from nothing before and I will do it again. I do have a roof over my head now, and a new job, and friends who I believe are true and really do care about me so the rest should be easy. I am better off than many so if you see me whining here about how I lost everything and how the system fails the victims, feel free to reach out and slap me or give me kick in the rear.

  That being said, to all my readers, if any of you have or know where I can find copies of any of the books I have wrote and had published, any of the magazine articles I have wrote, any of the short stories I have had published, or pictures of any of the blacksmith work I have done, please let me know. I would love to have copies of this stuff.

The Deceit of Lawyers and the Legal System.

I have railed in the past about the lack of morals I perceive in lawyers. It is unfortunately still sad and disturbing when another lawyer only reinforces my opinion. Let me walk you through this real life scenario.

1. A victim of spousal assault contacts the accused's lawyer regarding assets to be divided since the accused is under a no-contact order and direct instructions from this lawyer not to contact her victim.
2. No response is received so further communication is sent to this lawyer.
3. Still no response received so the victim contacts police to assist him to safely recover one major asset (a vehicle).
4. The accused informs police that any of the victim's assets are going to be abandoned and left for the landlord of the property.
5. The victim contacts the accused's lawyer copying it to complaints at the Law Society.
6. An immediate response is received from the accused's lawyer immediately stating that “I have not been retained by Ms. XXXXXX to assist her in property issues arsing out of you and her living together. I had forwarded to her your initial correspondance to me. I had "assumed" that she was dealing with this “ This despite the fact that as the accused's lawyer for the assault he was fully aware that the accused could not legally contact the victim and that he had issued specific instructions for her not to contact the victim. In addition the accused had stated previously that this lawyer had counselled her regarding on at least one major jointly owned asset, a car.
7. The lawyer also states that “ She tells me that the only asset of value that she considers yours to be your motorcycle and that you took your assets when you separated.” This despite the fact that the police report indicates that the victim left with only a bag of clothes and that there was no “separation” only a victim of violence being removed from a volatile environment.
8. The victim now has no legal method to contact the accused to discuss distribution of assets without either forcing the accused to violate her no-contact agreement and lawyers instructions, or revealing contact information that may put him at risk, or paying costly lawyers fees. Given the difference in statements to the police and from the lawyer, if the victim removes any asset from the house that the accused chooses to question he faces the possibility of being charged with theft. Even if legal actions were pursued the obfuscation by the lawyer and accused have delayed sufficiently that there is insufficient time to take actions.

Does this type of action meet the “standards” and code of conduct of the Law Society of Alberta? We will soon find out as the following letter has been sent to the complaints department at the society. As always I welcome your input and feedback and even your stories.

Copy of Letter Sent To Complaints at the Law Society of Alberta

Further to the complaint submitted yesterday regarding xxlawyerxx's handling of Ms. xxxxxxxx's file, I must point out that the response received from xxlawyerxx can not be accurate.

First of all, xxlawyerxx is the legal counsel for Ms. xxxxxxxx in her assault charge and other charges is fully aware that Ms. xxxxxxxx is under a no-contact order with regards to me and has specifically instructed her to have no contact with me. Therefore his statement that “I had forwarded to her your initial correspondance to me. I had "assumed" that she was dealing with this “ can not be accurate as this would be encouraging her to violate her no-contact order and his specific advice.

In addition the statement that “I have not been retained by Ms. xxxxxx to assist her in property issues arsing out of you and her living together” is also misleading as Ms. xxxxxxxx specifically stated that Mr. xxlawyerxx counselled her to acquire the jointly owned car, which I was living in at the time, back (which she did).

In addition the statement that “ She tells me that the only asset of value that she considers yours to be your motorcycle and that you took your assets when you separated” is also misleading as Ms. xxxxxxxx made a different statement to the Police about assets to be picked up and Mr. xxlawyerxx is no doubt aware that when I was removed from the house it was with a few clothes only. The difference in the description of assets made to police and Mr. xxlawyerxx leaves me unable to remove any assets from the house other than the motorcycle as any item Ms. xxxxxxxx chooses to question can result in theft charges being pressed against me.

Further to this matter, Ms. xxxxxxxx has advised other individuals that Mr. xxlawyerxx has counselled Ms. xxxxxxxx to pursue a restraining order against me. If I attempt to contact Ms. xxxxxxxx regarding asset distribution or to acquire any asset Ms. xxxxxxxx chooses to question this may provide grounds for that legal action. These latter two situations have the distinct appearance of entrapment.

The process of delaying my knowledge of whom to contact regarding assets arriving out Ms. xxxxxxxx's and my living together until the items are “abandoned to the landlord”, and with the knowledge that as a result of the assault I have been left homeless and without sufficient resources to pay for legal counsel on this matter, is in fact assisting the accused spousal assaulter in continuing the abuse of their victim. These actions can not possibly fall within the code of conduct of the Law Society of Alberta

Change of Direction

This blog, until this point, has dealt largely with the challenges I have faced during a transition period in my life. It has been a reach out for help, for myself, and for others I care about. In the process it has apparently helped others in similar situations. I hope it continues to do that, and for that reason it is time to change direction.
For those of you who think I am abandoning my fight, you are probably right. But it really isn't my fight anymore. We have reached a point where everybody is responsible for their own choices. Me, I choose to move on and not let lawyers waste away my time or money. The past is the past and there is nothing I can do to change that. Did I get my tools and personal assets back? I think that they will come to me in time but I am not going to waste away time or money on lawyers. I hope cooler heads prevail.
One of the benefits of being single is the time it affords me for writing, which has always been a passion of mine. Whether it is writing a rant about something that I have taken issue with, or a story, or novel, or just a poem, I love to write. I look forward to this opportunity to indulge myself in this passion.
As for rants about things that tick me off, Lord knows there are a million of them, but topping my list today are because lawyers. When people go to lawyers it is usually because they are in some kind of trouble already. My experience is that rather than really offer help, lawyers see every case as an opportunity to one-up their competitor, a game of brinksmanship, and its the clients that end up paying for it, and the non-lawyers suffering. Is there not another way to deal with this stuff rather than spending thousands of dollars fighting over nothing.
I will admit I got sucked into this game. It was apparently a great lawyer that was recommended to me. That great lawyers plan - litigate until people couldn't afford to litigate anymore. Sure there may be no winners in the end after all the bills are paid but everybody would at least be starting in the same position when it was all over.
What kind of crap is that? Are there no morals in law and litigation? If there are I haven't seen them. I am not going to play that game. It's not worth it. If I never do business with another lawyer it will be too soon.
I have blogged about how it is the people that are important in life, not the things. Time for me to start living what I preach.
I do know that there are about a billion lawyer jokes out there but this one hit home for me today.

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!

Victimizing The Victim

Dread - Concern - Confusion - Frustration - Loss

It has been a quiet weekend with a lot of time for thinking and I find myself with a menagerie of feelings and emotions. You see, Monday is supposed to be the day my ex goes to court for her assault on me. I don't quite know how to feel about that. I have a deep sense of dread, not for myself, but for my ex. I am concerned that rather than provide her with the help she needs, that will choose punishment instead – assuming anything happens by the time the lawyers are through with it.
How I even know about the court date is is the source of confusion, and disappointment. You would think that as the victim of the assault I might have been kept informed about the case, maybe even asked a few more questions beyond what the police asked the night of the assault. That is unfortunately not the case. Just to submit a victim impact statement, something every victim of crime has a right to submit, I had to jump through hoops to try and get the forms and the information required to submit the statement. Now I know others who have been through a similar situation. After the police interview the first night, police usually followed up to make sure they got all the details and they weren't missing any vital information – victim services followed up with them to make sure they had what they needed – and they were informed of court dates and more. They were part of the process. The difference? I hate to even think it but these were women – I am not. Talk about victimizing the victim! That is exactly how I feel.
That being said, for those of you that are believers, pray for my wife that in this case and the SPCA charges which I think also comes up this month, that the court finds the wisdom of Solomon and comes up with a solution that will help her, and ensure the future success of her and the children.
I also find myself facing a deep sense of loss, because I know at this point it is no longer my family, and that I will likely never get to speak to the children or my ex again. I held some hope that the children's father would see that I had some involvement in the children's lives but I suspect that is not to be the case. Even though I was a father to these children for most of their lives, the fact that my ex and I were common-law only means I unfortunately have no say in this situation. Men be forewarned!!
The feeling of loss is also the result of giving up on the horses, which I really do love and care for. If I didn't I wouldn't care about the situation they are in. Unfortunately because it is obvious that my ex would rather run up thousands of dollars in legal bills rather than part with any horses (despite the fact there is already 10's of thousands of dollars of bills relating to the horses already there) the only option I had was to offer her claim to all the animals in return for my work related tools and some items that have been passed down through inheritance in my family. It leaves her with all the horse bills, but there is far more value in horses there than bills if she is willing to do what is needed. Personally I feel victimized again, having to give up my claim to pretty much everything just to get what I need to move forward with my life, but it would only hurt the kids forcing her to put more money into lawyers fees. Truth is, but the time her and her lawyer delay everything the horses will probably be seized by the SPCA, or hidden somewhere. My life will go on, even starting from the ground up again. It is just unfortunate that a legal system that is suppose to protect is such a part of victimizing the victims itself.