Moving On

  I am giving up the battle and declaring defeat. According to Sallust ([86 BC - 34 BC], 'Jugurthine War,' 41 B.C. ) “A good man would prefer to be defeated than to defeat injustice by evil means.” This is very much how I feel. Every lawyer I talk to insists on going after my ex for everything she has or has had and everything she she owns. I don't want to to do this. I don't want to destroy her or have her facing the situation I found myself in. All I want are a few of the things that were personal to me or important to my work, not destroy a person just because I can or for the game of it.

  I did retrieve one important item, my motorcycle which is dear to me, and there are other things I can apparently retrieve from the old house, but I have to pay the unpaid bills run up since I have been out of the house to get them. I can't to do this. I have advised the landlord to sell what she can and apply it to my exes bills.

  I am not giving up on my complaint against my exes lawyer. I do think that Mr. Forestell acted in an unethical way in delaying his response to my letters until my stuff was gone or abandoned, and continues to do so by now refusing to accept any communications for his client which means the only way I can legally communicate with her without her violating her non-contact order is to pay for a lawyer to do so. In other words support a system with money I don't have, and support people who only want to go after everything even if that is not what I want. The L aw Society of Alberta is looking at my complaint, so they say, but I have serious doubts that anything will ever come from it.

  I have started from nothing before and I will do it again. I do have a roof over my head now, and a new job, and friends who I believe are true and really do care about me so the rest should be easy. I am better off than many so if you see me whining here about how I lost everything and how the system fails the victims, feel free to reach out and slap me or give me kick in the rear.

  That being said, to all my readers, if any of you have or know where I can find copies of any of the books I have wrote and had published, any of the magazine articles I have wrote, any of the short stories I have had published, or pictures of any of the blacksmith work I have done, please let me know. I would love to have copies of this stuff.

The Deceit of Lawyers and the Legal System.

I have railed in the past about the lack of morals I perceive in lawyers. It is unfortunately still sad and disturbing when another lawyer only reinforces my opinion. Let me walk you through this real life scenario.

1. A victim of spousal assault contacts the accused's lawyer regarding assets to be divided since the accused is under a no-contact order and direct instructions from this lawyer not to contact her victim.
2. No response is received so further communication is sent to this lawyer.
3. Still no response received so the victim contacts police to assist him to safely recover one major asset (a vehicle).
4. The accused informs police that any of the victim's assets are going to be abandoned and left for the landlord of the property.
5. The victim contacts the accused's lawyer copying it to complaints at the Law Society.
6. An immediate response is received from the accused's lawyer immediately stating that “I have not been retained by Ms. XXXXXX to assist her in property issues arsing out of you and her living together. I had forwarded to her your initial correspondance to me. I had "assumed" that she was dealing with this “ This despite the fact that as the accused's lawyer for the assault he was fully aware that the accused could not legally contact the victim and that he had issued specific instructions for her not to contact the victim. In addition the accused had stated previously that this lawyer had counselled her regarding on at least one major jointly owned asset, a car.
7. The lawyer also states that “ She tells me that the only asset of value that she considers yours to be your motorcycle and that you took your assets when you separated.” This despite the fact that the police report indicates that the victim left with only a bag of clothes and that there was no “separation” only a victim of violence being removed from a volatile environment.
8. The victim now has no legal method to contact the accused to discuss distribution of assets without either forcing the accused to violate her no-contact agreement and lawyers instructions, or revealing contact information that may put him at risk, or paying costly lawyers fees. Given the difference in statements to the police and from the lawyer, if the victim removes any asset from the house that the accused chooses to question he faces the possibility of being charged with theft. Even if legal actions were pursued the obfuscation by the lawyer and accused have delayed sufficiently that there is insufficient time to take actions.

Does this type of action meet the “standards” and code of conduct of the Law Society of Alberta? We will soon find out as the following letter has been sent to the complaints department at the society. As always I welcome your input and feedback and even your stories.

Copy of Letter Sent To Complaints at the Law Society of Alberta

Further to the complaint submitted yesterday regarding xxlawyerxx's handling of Ms. xxxxxxxx's file, I must point out that the response received from xxlawyerxx can not be accurate.

First of all, xxlawyerxx is the legal counsel for Ms. xxxxxxxx in her assault charge and other charges is fully aware that Ms. xxxxxxxx is under a no-contact order with regards to me and has specifically instructed her to have no contact with me. Therefore his statement that “I had forwarded to her your initial correspondance to me. I had "assumed" that she was dealing with this “ can not be accurate as this would be encouraging her to violate her no-contact order and his specific advice.

In addition the statement that “I have not been retained by Ms. xxxxxx to assist her in property issues arsing out of you and her living together” is also misleading as Ms. xxxxxxxx specifically stated that Mr. xxlawyerxx counselled her to acquire the jointly owned car, which I was living in at the time, back (which she did).

In addition the statement that “ She tells me that the only asset of value that she considers yours to be your motorcycle and that you took your assets when you separated” is also misleading as Ms. xxxxxxxx made a different statement to the Police about assets to be picked up and Mr. xxlawyerxx is no doubt aware that when I was removed from the house it was with a few clothes only. The difference in the description of assets made to police and Mr. xxlawyerxx leaves me unable to remove any assets from the house other than the motorcycle as any item Ms. xxxxxxxx chooses to question can result in theft charges being pressed against me.

Further to this matter, Ms. xxxxxxxx has advised other individuals that Mr. xxlawyerxx has counselled Ms. xxxxxxxx to pursue a restraining order against me. If I attempt to contact Ms. xxxxxxxx regarding asset distribution or to acquire any asset Ms. xxxxxxxx chooses to question this may provide grounds for that legal action. These latter two situations have the distinct appearance of entrapment.

The process of delaying my knowledge of whom to contact regarding assets arriving out Ms. xxxxxxxx's and my living together until the items are “abandoned to the landlord”, and with the knowledge that as a result of the assault I have been left homeless and without sufficient resources to pay for legal counsel on this matter, is in fact assisting the accused spousal assaulter in continuing the abuse of their victim. These actions can not possibly fall within the code of conduct of the Law Society of Alberta

Change of Direction

This blog, until this point, has dealt largely with the challenges I have faced during a transition period in my life. It has been a reach out for help, for myself, and for others I care about. In the process it has apparently helped others in similar situations. I hope it continues to do that, and for that reason it is time to change direction.
For those of you who think I am abandoning my fight, you are probably right. But it really isn't my fight anymore. We have reached a point where everybody is responsible for their own choices. Me, I choose to move on and not let lawyers waste away my time or money. The past is the past and there is nothing I can do to change that. Did I get my tools and personal assets back? I think that they will come to me in time but I am not going to waste away time or money on lawyers. I hope cooler heads prevail.
One of the benefits of being single is the time it affords me for writing, which has always been a passion of mine. Whether it is writing a rant about something that I have taken issue with, or a story, or novel, or just a poem, I love to write. I look forward to this opportunity to indulge myself in this passion.
As for rants about things that tick me off, Lord knows there are a million of them, but topping my list today are because lawyers. When people go to lawyers it is usually because they are in some kind of trouble already. My experience is that rather than really offer help, lawyers see every case as an opportunity to one-up their competitor, a game of brinksmanship, and its the clients that end up paying for it, and the non-lawyers suffering. Is there not another way to deal with this stuff rather than spending thousands of dollars fighting over nothing.
I will admit I got sucked into this game. It was apparently a great lawyer that was recommended to me. That great lawyers plan - litigate until people couldn't afford to litigate anymore. Sure there may be no winners in the end after all the bills are paid but everybody would at least be starting in the same position when it was all over.
What kind of crap is that? Are there no morals in law and litigation? If there are I haven't seen them. I am not going to play that game. It's not worth it. If I never do business with another lawyer it will be too soon.
I have blogged about how it is the people that are important in life, not the things. Time for me to start living what I preach.
I do know that there are about a billion lawyer jokes out there but this one hit home for me today.

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!

Victimizing The Victim

Dread - Concern - Confusion - Frustration - Loss

It has been a quiet weekend with a lot of time for thinking and I find myself with a menagerie of feelings and emotions. You see, Monday is supposed to be the day my ex goes to court for her assault on me. I don't quite know how to feel about that. I have a deep sense of dread, not for myself, but for my ex. I am concerned that rather than provide her with the help she needs, that will choose punishment instead – assuming anything happens by the time the lawyers are through with it.
How I even know about the court date is is the source of confusion, and disappointment. You would think that as the victim of the assault I might have been kept informed about the case, maybe even asked a few more questions beyond what the police asked the night of the assault. That is unfortunately not the case. Just to submit a victim impact statement, something every victim of crime has a right to submit, I had to jump through hoops to try and get the forms and the information required to submit the statement. Now I know others who have been through a similar situation. After the police interview the first night, police usually followed up to make sure they got all the details and they weren't missing any vital information – victim services followed up with them to make sure they had what they needed – and they were informed of court dates and more. They were part of the process. The difference? I hate to even think it but these were women – I am not. Talk about victimizing the victim! That is exactly how I feel.
That being said, for those of you that are believers, pray for my wife that in this case and the SPCA charges which I think also comes up this month, that the court finds the wisdom of Solomon and comes up with a solution that will help her, and ensure the future success of her and the children.
I also find myself facing a deep sense of loss, because I know at this point it is no longer my family, and that I will likely never get to speak to the children or my ex again. I held some hope that the children's father would see that I had some involvement in the children's lives but I suspect that is not to be the case. Even though I was a father to these children for most of their lives, the fact that my ex and I were common-law only means I unfortunately have no say in this situation. Men be forewarned!!
The feeling of loss is also the result of giving up on the horses, which I really do love and care for. If I didn't I wouldn't care about the situation they are in. Unfortunately because it is obvious that my ex would rather run up thousands of dollars in legal bills rather than part with any horses (despite the fact there is already 10's of thousands of dollars of bills relating to the horses already there) the only option I had was to offer her claim to all the animals in return for my work related tools and some items that have been passed down through inheritance in my family. It leaves her with all the horse bills, but there is far more value in horses there than bills if she is willing to do what is needed. Personally I feel victimized again, having to give up my claim to pretty much everything just to get what I need to move forward with my life, but it would only hurt the kids forcing her to put more money into lawyers fees. Truth is, but the time her and her lawyer delay everything the horses will probably be seized by the SPCA, or hidden somewhere. My life will go on, even starting from the ground up again. It is just unfortunate that a legal system that is suppose to protect is such a part of victimizing the victims itself.

Keep Your Friends Close and Family Closer

In my time spent living in my car, and now has a single man starting over from scratch, I have found myself spending an exorbitant amount of time in coffee shops. Sitting alone in these coffee shops I often find myself overhearing (or as some may call it, eavesdropping) the conversations around me. These days of course a lot of the conversations center around the ongoing disaster in Japan. The speed at which the disaster occurred, the sudden and massive loss of life, the impact of the nuclear plant meltdown, and then, more often then not, the comment that we are so lucky it is not us.

These conversations do hit close to my heart as I have a friend who was hours away from being in the area destroyed by the tsunami, and who lost family members – there one moment and gone the next. While she is working in China I spent some time with her father here, and it was hard to listen to just how overwhelming the impact has been entire communities around the world.

What does this have to do with my ongoing rants about animal hoarding, spousal assault on men, and many of the other things I have been ranting about? Nothing.... and everything. I am obviously taking the steps to move forward with my life, get my feet back under me, and growing again, and my blog will follow. But here is how it has everything to do with the things I have been experiencing in life.

So many of us live in pursuit of the finer things in life. We live in a a culture of privilege and plenty. We are not satisfied with a small starter home, instead we finance our lives away to get the perfect home. We fill that home with toys and goodies, much of which has been financed, and each of the family members hangs out in their separate rooms, seeing each other when they meet at the refrigerator and fight for the last can of coke. We have two, or three, or more vehicles, because we can't cooperate enough with other family members to get places together, or we live such separate lives that we just go in separate directions. I am, unfortunately, just as guilty as many in living my life like this.

I find myself writing about this because of the numerous times I have heard people follow their conversations about the Japan disaster with conversations about separation and divorce, often with finances at the root of the problem. Others talk about moving on with their lives because they want to do something new or different, and the friends and family they will be leaving behind really play no bearing in their decisions. I have been guilty of this to.

The sad thing is that when it gets down to the nitty gritty, you can own a mansion, you can have 5 cars, you can have your ranch and dozens of animals, but none of this, absolutely none of this is worth giving up friends and family for. People should be our priority – plain and simple. When there is nothing else, no cash in the bank, no roof over our head, no food on the table, the only thing there for us is friends and family, and we owe it to them to be there for them. Our priorities are screwed up when we choose things over people, when we work our lives away paying for things financed that we don't really need, just want.

My friend who lost several family members in the Japan disaster recently posted the following on Facebook;
“As I mourn over my recent loss of family I find myself thinking of others who have family, friends, and loved ones that we allow to be estranged or put out of our lives. Keep them close, love them everyday irregardless, care for them as if they are part of you, for they may be gone in a moment.”

I couldn't agree more.

Keep your friends close – Keep you family closer – and get your priorities straight.

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

The Good

It is amazing how things can seem to be at a standstill, even going in reverse until some little rocket comes along and gives you a kick in the pants. My kick in the pants came from a very wise woman. Her statement to me - "You whine and complain that your wife would not seek out or listen to the opinion of others, yet you – while you seek out the opinion of thousands of readers, yet refuse to listen to the advice you are being given. Do yo want to be her?”

Speechless is what I was. This complete stranger tracked me down somehow to where I was parking my car during the nights – rapped on the window – insisted on buying me a coffee, and gave me hell. You know what – I deserved it.

How a stranger tracked me down based on my blogging, I am not sure, perhaps even concerned a little, but the fact is, as i write this I have had more than 3000 hits on this blog. From those hits I have received numerous emails, some good, some bad, some just cruel, but among them have been emails saying “Thank you – I thought I was alone in my battle but I see now I am not. Your words have given me strength.” and “I showed my husband your blog – he read it all – our horses have gone to auction except for the couple we ride. He asked me to do with him to counselling Your words and your story has saved our marriage and our family. May God intercede and help you with yours.”

That is good!! That is beyond good, and they are only a couple of many. I have said it before and I will say it again – If this blog has succeeded in helping only one person it has accomplished more than I could ask for. As the Mountain Hermit, my storytelling persona, I often said that the point of a story can pierce the heart far deeper than the point of a bullet. My words almost stopped here. Hell I almost stopped. But the words will continue, my story will continue, and I hope it is there to help others.

Other good things are happening as well. Things like reuniting with family members who I was estranged from, and friends who were so far in the past that have reached out. Strangers, all of them, who have joined complete strangers in my growing list of friends and support network. This network has made sure that I now have a vehicle to get around in and a roof over my head. Tell me that isn't good!!! In addition to that I have a job interview coming up for a position I was specifically referred for, which I optimistic will translate into that second income I could use.

Other potentially good things include the comment from Sara, a researcher for the Animal Hoarding show. I can only hope that my wife sees that comment and looks into taking advantage of the potential help. It is in my wife's hand now as I know there is nothing I can do for her. Some of the recent comments about me not being a part of the family are a good thing as well. A couple were wrote in a mean spirited way, but they made me think and realize a couple of things. I was not her “sugar daddy”. I believe that at some level she loved me. But I think that the horses are such an overwhelming factor in her heart and mind that she could never really accept all the love I had for her and the children. That is why I am not a part of anything and nothing is mine. Not because she is vicious, heartless and cruel, just not open to anything but her horses.

My wife did completely surprise me by showing up at my place of work on Monday to drop off some blacksmithed furniture that I had made. I had asked her to do that but I didn't expect it to happen. The sad thing about this is that as soon as I got the call that she was there fear took hold of me. Fear that she was there to give me hell, that if I got close enough I would get hit or punched again. Fear that she would do something that would cause me to loose my job. I did not realize just how frightened I am of her, how worried that if she finds me alone I will be beat again. It didn't happen. She was reasonable and I honestly didn't say two words to her. I couldn't even bring myself to look at her because in my heart I want nothing more than to hold her and tell her I love her, despite the fear. I don't know if I told her at the moment but I really appreciate her dropping that stuff off.

That being said, I have a beautiful handmade mahagony table with a hand blacksmithed pedastal base and two blacksmithed, one-of-a kind dog beds which I can not store or do anything with so I have donated them to the school I work at. They will be auctioned off by silent auction. There is probably $4000 to $5000 worth of items there if I had the time to market them properly, and I am sure the silent auction will not get anywhere near that value, but the school will put the money to good use. If anyone is interested in bidding on them contact me at cantankerousoldfart@gmail.com.

The Bad

As so many have recommended I have started seeing a mental health professional. Many can not understand the difficulty this presented to me. With a family member who was deeply affected by mental health issues and so adversely affected by the medications and treatments I live in fear of becoming that person. But I am going. And it isn't horrible. In fact my confidence was gained the minute I was told I didn't need the drugs the doctor wanted to prescribe to me. That alone has created a level of trust that I didn't think I could ever give to a mental health professional.

The sordid details – what I am feeling is exactly what I should be feeling. I have have my life and my family suddenly ripped out of my life, just as sure as if a car accident took them all. Grieving is normal. Anger, hatred, loathing at the person who ripped my loved ones from my life and took my life as I knew it from me – normal. In the counsellor's words he “would be concerned if I didn't feel this way.”

Choosing to keep animals irregardless of costs and effects on the family – not normal thinking – but nothing I can do about it.

Staying with a physically abusive spouse for years, thinking things wouldn't happen again, that they would get better – normal. I am out now and that is a good thing, but the mindset that kept me there was just the same as all those women who stay in the same situations. Sad to say I was one of those men who often asked the question “why didn't they just get out?” I asked that question of my own mother whose alcoholic husband would get violently abusive. I didn't realize until now why. I didn't realize just how strong she had to be to finally get out. My mother is no longer with us for me to apologize to her so I can only hope she is with me on some level and knows just how sorry I am.

I have included some links here about family violence, and why they stay. Yes the articles are primarily directed at women, but it happens to men to, and everyone must realize this. Men if you are in this situation these articles are about you to. I would tell you to get out but I know how meaningless those words can be when you have a family you are responsible for and love, when your finances are tied to the abuser and you can't find the resources to get free, when other men will look down their nose at you and you loose all pride and confidence because as a man you could not deal with this on your own. All I can ask is that you read, and learn, and talk, and pray that you get strong enough to take the actions you need to.

The Ugly

And this is really ugly. The image of my three children staring at me covered in blood, shirt torn to shreds, their mother throwing me to the floor so I can't get to the phones, is so deeply burned into my mind that I see it every time I close my eyes. This is the first time they have seen this bad of a result but not the first time they have been present when my wife went off like this. And according to my mental health workers this is mental abuse to the children. They are right of course, I know it and it tears at me so deeply that every time I think of my children I find myself in tears.

According to the workers I am seeing mental health professionals, my wife should be seeing mental health professionals, but more important than all that, the children should be seeing mental health professionals. At the very least childcare’s services should be called in and checking on them regularly. These counsellors are as frustrated as I am with the situation because as a common-law partner and stepfather there is nothing I can do to make sure this happens. What happens with the children is completely out of my hands now. I don't know if their father reads this blog but I hope he does and gets them the counselling they need. I will gladly give up every last penny I have to see they get the care and counselling they need, whether I get to see them again or not.

The other really ugly. I have taken the advice of many and secured legal counsel. I hate it. I hate having to do it because I know my wife can be a reasonable person. She has been through this herself and wasn't happy with how her partners lawyers screwed her around so I would hope she wouldn't do that to me, but in the heat of the moment sometimes cooler heads do not prevail. Almost universally I have been told to lawyer up. They can't all be wrong. I have taken the advice.

Please take some time to visit these links. They may not apply to you directly but there isn't a doubt in my mind that you will meet someone in your life who the information may help.



Domestic Violence – An Overview of Spousal Abuse


Domestic Violence – An Overview of Spousal Abuse
Domestic violence
Why do women stay? Why don't they leave?

Facts About Spousal Abuse and Men

Domestic Violence and Abuse
Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

If there are more links you think should be here please let me know.

The Mindset of An Animal Hoarder

In a recent conversation with my wife she told me I wasn't supporting her with the horses and that “if i am going to lose everything that really was mine, its going to be by me and no one else.”

She is not wrong. Several months ago I had told her not to talk to me about the horses anymore to me and not to ask for help. I quite simply couldn't take the stress. What did that get me? At the moment a rock solid punch in the chest while I was sitting back in the chair with my eyes closed. It was at that point I insisted she get anger management counselling. She did. I think she went twice to a counsellor.

Six years of time, thousands of dollars, hours or work, countless hours of stress, and nothing to do with horses is mine apparently. (see the costs breakdown in the previous post). Six years of love, joy, pain, anger, stress, fun, and apparently the family was not mine. Education, study, work, and my farrier service, which apparently she is working under the name now is not mine. A blacksmithing business, that although struggling due to economic times, was moving ahead, operated out of my home and gone now due to no access to the home and equipment and even if I did too many family debts built up over the years to start over somewhere else – was that not mine? Sure I came into the relationship with nothing. I was starting over. Does that mean after six years I should still have nothing? That nothing I invested time, love, and money in is mine, because I came with nothing? I just don't understand.
,
Am I wrong? Is the mindset not sick and twisted? In making sure that if she looses everything that really was hers, its going to be by her and no one else has she not removed that option from me, removing everything that was in part mine and that I was a part of by force and not giving me an option in matter?

Was I wrong to say I wasn't going to continue to help or support with the horses? To try and force her to see the impact they were having on our lives financially and mentally?

I know I am wasting my breath hear when it comes to changing her thinking. I have asked her on numerous occasions to take these thoughts and concepts to others, independent people, friends, family to ask if I was wrong. She steadfastly refused. She didn't and doesn't want to hear the opinion of someone who doesn't support her completely. Alcoholics surround themselves with other alcoholics. Drug attics keep company with other drug attics. I have trouble not thinking that this isn't the same thing my wife is doing.

I know that she views this blog as an assault on her. It is not and never was intended to be. I don't care about the horses, the businesses, the car, the house or any of that stuff. I care about the woman I love and my children. Their ongoing welfare is my priority. This blog, at this point, is my way to fight for the people I love and care about.