Who Can You Depend On?

I tend to leave my motorbike parked on long weekends. You would think that a long weekend would be a perfect time to pickup and go but the volume of traffic on the roads as everyone heads to their great escape is just an accident waiting to happen. I have heard at least one report of a motorcyclist dieing on the highway, the driver of the car apparently never saw them. News reports say that more than 3000 tickets were issued this weekend, 2200 of them for speeding. In total there were 2 fatalities. Now even one fatality is too much but only 2 over a July 1^st long weekend is not bad. Still, I am not disappointed that I didn't hit the highways, though even if I had wanted to I couldn't thanks to some teen rebels who enjoyed July 1^st a little too much, but that is a topic for another day (and I needed some new skins for the bike anyway).

As motorcyclists it is ( or it should have been) drummed into us from day 1 that the only person we can depend on on that road is ourselves. Car drivers don't look for us, and therefore don't see us. Pedestrians think we are all Evil Knievel (okay, my age is showing), and that we can manoeuvre our bikes around their stupid actions no matter what. Barely a day of riding goes by for me that this is not re-enforced and I think may explain on some level why many bikers have a somewhat limited, but expressive vocabulary.

I only wish that I had applied my motorbike driver training to my life because when it gets right down to it, the only person we can depend on in life, just as in motorbike riding, is ourselves. We can not count on those around us to know what we are doing and where we are going, or even how fast we want to get there. Even if they do know our path there is absolutely nothing stopping them from throwing themselves in your way. We quite simply have no control over the choices of others or how they choose to influence our lives. All we have control of is our own choices. We can plan ahead, be vigilante in watching for those that will throw obstacles in our paths and try and anticipate their actions, and prepare as best we can, but inevitably the accident will come.

Those are my thoughts from the road today. Keep the shiny side up and don't depend on anyone but yourself - on the highway or in life.

Take a moment and check out our new link to Akasha Forge & Foundry.

Motorcycles and The Laws of Physics

Alright everyone. Let me introduce you one of the most basic physics lessons that every motorbike rider knows.

• the distance between point a and point b is 100 km
• a car travelling between point a and point b has 4 tires on the road and each tire must travel that 100 km, therefore the car travels a true distance of 400km
• a motorcycle has only two tires on the road and therefore only travels a true distance of 200 km.
• Logically, if the car is travelling a true distance of 400km and the motorcycle is only travelling a true distance of 200 km, the motorcycle will arrive at point b in 1/2 the time of the car
• therefore if the 200km per hour on the motorcycle is the equivalent of 100 m per hour on the motorcycle.

Find me a real motorcycle enthusiast who doesn't agree with this physics lesson!!

So what is my point, you may ask, other than the fact that my wrist may occasionally lock up holding the throttle open while I am travelling slightly over the posted speed limit? My points are these:

•  Given all options people will tend to listen to and believe what they want to believe what they want to believe, regardless of whether or not it is the truth.
• People tend to take their information from other like minded individuals and groups because it works for them, closing themselves off from other ideas and concepts.
• People tend to offer advice based on their own perspective of the world rather than an objective perspective.

There is no shortage of people, groups, and books out there willing to tell each of us how we should live our lives, what our decision making processes should be, and even what our choices should be. More often then not it is friends and family offering this advice (and all too often unsolicited) and our natural tendency is to follow that advice. None of them mean to do any harm when they are providing you with the wisdom of their years (or lack of). They do have your well-being in consideration (or in the case of groups and books – their bank accounts). What they all fail to realize is the best advice is often no advice.
I have had the pleasure of working with many good counsellors, and even had one help me, and the one thing in common among all of them is they never tell a person what to do, what choice to make, or what they are doing right and wrong. In fact they are the most annoying people in the world because all they ever do is ask you questions. Some are easy questions. Some are difficult questions. Some are deeply probing and painful questions. But all of these questions are based on you getting advice from the person most likely to have the best, most accurate, most appropriate advice you need – YOURSELF.
No one knows the choices you need to make better than you, so seek out advice from others, but in the end, seek out the questions you need to answer, no matter how painful, and look to yourself for the answer. It's there.
Those are my thoughts as I cruise the highways on my ride letting the wind blow through my helmet (bloody helmet laws). Got to go. Think those are flashing lights behind me!!!

Contemplation, Consternation, & Confusion

I have found myself with extra time on my hands recently. That may seem odd for a person who works two jobs, but those hours in between seem to be very long hours when you don't have people or activities to fill it with. The weather has definitely not made on of my favourite activities, riding my motorbike, very enjoyable. As for people, I do have friends but it is difficult to fit their time in with my strange hours between jobs. I would love to fill my time blacksmithing but that joy has been taken from me for now. There was a time that I would have spent those empty moments writing but with the loss of all my writing I find it difficult to be motivated. I know those last comments sound bitter but I just can't understand how someone can steal someones life and livelihood just so that can have what they want. If nothing else this whole situation has taught me to hate.

That being said, I do spend much of my time thinking these days. In particular my thoughts seem to be focused on a few subjects, which on some level are all intertwined together; fear, love, and the future.

Fear is a big one. It is not a subject that would normally occupy my mind but recent events have highlighted the affects it can have on a person's life. I realize now that it wasn't simply love that kept me in an abusive relationship, but fear as well. Fear of change. Fear of loss. Fear of harm and injury. Now that I have separated myself from that situation I find myself facing a new fear – one that I have never faced before – fear of not being able to open myself to loving again.

Which brings us to the second thing on my mind – love. Those of you who have followed this blog have probably came to realize that I am not a big, tough, take on the world, kind of kind. In reality I am much more of a lover than a fighter. But each of us defines love differently.

There are a host of books out there that will try and tell you what love is, how to find it, how to develop it, and how to hold on to it. What many fail to realize is that love can only be defined by each of us individually. It doesn't affect any two individuals the way. It doesn't develop along a set time line defined by some guru. It is at times an emotion so deep it can not be defined by the person feeling it let alone by someone else. It can also be painful and torturing when it is not understood, not acknowledged or appreciated, or outright rejected and abused. This is why many have closed their lives to others. This, I fear, is where I am at. I know that without love no man can be whole, but there comes a point where it is easier, less painful, to not feel and not be whole. This is how I see my future.

Speaking of the future, how can you plan for that? I have done all that short-term, mid-term, and long-term planning stuff. I was on the path to my goals until one monkey wrench was thrown in (literally in my case). A lot of good all those plans did me – look where I am now.

Plans are just something to allow you to define what went wrong when it inevitably does. I planned to take a friend on a motorbike ride with some of my co-workers, weeks ahead, and then their plans didn't match mine. I planned on having a lovely evening out at Cavalia with a good friend – their plans changed. Plans inevitably go awry. Not always a bad thing. The young mother and her daughter who used my Cavalia tickets benefited from my plans screwing up. I know by the chocolate muffins with “thank you” in nice thick yellow icing that I received today.

I know there is a quote somewhere that refers to the “best laid plans of mice and men” that would fit here, but I am sure you get the point.

That being said, I am a creature of habit, and I can not just wing it. So what are my plans? First of all I am going to get my blacksmithing set back up. I have avoided it up to now despite being offered some smithing jobs. I have let the fear of going into debt again to re-tool hold me back. It is time for me to be moving in one direction again.

My other plans. I suppose they center around the input of a friend right now. Sometime someone elses input is need to figure things out and get you on the right track.

Speed Boats & Super Tankers

 I remember reading that a sea-tanker, after its engines have been turned off, can take 5 or six miles to come to a complete stop, and another two miles to turn around. It occurs to me that people are much like boats of various sizes and shapes.

There are the super tankers who carry a heavy burden emotionally. It takes a strong will for them to change direction and even when they do it takes them 5 miles to slow down and even more to turn around.

Then there are the speed boats. These guys race ahead, sometimes pulling a load or two behind them, but when the driver decides to change direction it can happen with neck wrenching speed. Problem with this is if the driver doesn't know what he's doing he can just as quickly find himself in shallow water trying to avoid the jutting rocks.

What happens when a speed boat decides to join up with a super tanker? That super tanker sure as heck isn't going to speed up or suddenly change direction just to join the speed boat, even though it may want to. But if that speed boat can adjust to travel with the super tanker, it will find itself able to travel deeper waters, shelter from the storms, and able to cross waters it could never cross on its own. Sounds like a perfect partnership, assuming of course that speed boat driver can practice a little patience.

Now for those of you that think this Old Fart has gone off his rocker again and is speaking in riddles, well you are probably right. Those that know this Old Fart might actually understand this analogy, and perhaps even some that don't, but this is the concept that fills my mind these days, though I must say I am more prone to being the speed boat in this analogy. Patience is a virtue they say.

I could go on with this analogy. I know may tug boats, and yachts, a few cruise ships, and even a row boat or two. Oh, and I can't forget the canoes!!! This post is however starting to sound like a children's television show so I will stop here.

Optimistic

It has been a while since I have made a post here. Life has a strange way of getting in the way of living! When you look at where and why this blog initially started and where I am now it is quite amazing to see the transformation. The simple fact is that when this blog started I was really sure I was going to continue on with life. I was in a dark, ugly place and couldn't see a way out of it at that time. This blog, however, saved my sanity and my life according to those who know me, and even the mental health professional who encouraged this outlet for me rather than putting me on medications. I can't argue with them.

Have all my problems resolved now? Not really, but my life moves forward anyways. There are those who have pointed out that my “victim” mindset was completely in my control. Those people are not entirely wrong, though I suspect many of them have never been on my side of that statement. Have I fought back? I think this blog was partially my way of fighting back. I did pursue my complaint against a lawyer who chose to abuse the system (though as expected it seems nothing has come of this complaint). I have filed reports with the police when my ex continued to threaten me with bodily harm after her initial charges went through the courts. This is not something I would have done in the past but the fact that I have to move again so she or the people she is encouraging to help her do harm to me can not find me and I don't have to look over my shoulder or be afraid of going home has ticked me off enough that I refuse to be the victim again.

No, I am not throwing away my hard earned money on a lawyer to fight to get my tools, equipment, and family inheritances back. I hope that someday common sense may take over her rage and she does the right thing and returns this stuff. If not, the fact is what I would pay a lawyer for this fight will probably refurbish my shop and things are just that, things. There are far more important things in life than owning things. I wish her the best of luck as she continues with her horses, and equine dentistry, and hoof care work. I only pray that she finds the ability to maintain her animals and horses as they should be cared for in the future.

I set out in a new direction on the Easter week-end and despite the crappy weather which has kept me off my motorbike for the most part, that direction is taking me in strange and wonderful places. It is bringing new friends into my life, and renewing friendship with friends from long ago. I find myself opening up my heart, which a short time ago I wasn't sure I could put the pieces back together again, and that fact alone is opening up a whole new life for me, and opportunities I would not have seen otherwise.

In my spare time (of which there has not been a whole lot lately) I love to read and I have been keeping track of some quotes that I have found to be relevant to my life. Here are a few.

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift that is why they call it the present."

• Eleanor Roosevelt

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."

• Alexander Graham Bell

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans,"

• John Lennon

"Life is full of spontaneous surprises, so get ready.”

Why are these quotes relevant? They are relevant because the fact is, things really did start to get better as I looked forward rather than backward. They are relevant because, plan as I would, it is those things that you don't plan for, like moving suddenly or new people coming into your life, that are a part of life. They are relevant because seizing the opportunities of the present time, even those that are spontaneously thrown your way, are what make life enjoyable.

For me these opportunities include new friends, jobs I love, and most recently an incredible person that, despite my flaws (of which there are no doubt many), and despite having read through my rants and rages on this blog, has accepted me for what I am and let me be a part of her life. She found that last little pathway into that hardened shell around my heart and let herself in.

People at my age all come with some sort of baggage, and often those bags are loaded with piles of crap we have waded through and shovelled out of the way to get where we are now. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. The optimist in me (which has found its way back out after a long period in remission) says we can take those piles of crap, compost them, and use them to create a foundation for a wonderful rose garden.

Thanks to all who continue to write with their words of support and friendship.

Lonliness

I have always fancied myself a bit of a hermit (hence the pen name Mountain Hermit) but I am discovering that perhaps I am not. As we headed into the Easter holidays I have come to realize that there is a big empty space within me. This is the first holiday like this in a very, very long time that I have spent without having a partner in my life who I love and who returns that love. It has been that partnership, that intimacy, in the past that has been the stabilizing factor in my life. We have all heard the saying that people can be in the middle of a crowded room and still be lonely. It is hard to understand that until you are there.

My feelings are not unusual. In fact you can find entire scientific studies dedicated to what they term as “intimate isolation” or “emotional isolation.” This type of loneliness is apparently very different from other types, and apparently its effects far more profound. I find myself a very lucky man in that, despite my shyness (what I like to refer to as my anti-social behaviour) I have been able to find friends easily, and while I have been relatively estranged from my brother and sisters (by my own choices), they are always there for me (Something I realized as I took part in the first family gathering I have attended in many, many years). The intimate isolation does seem to affect me deeply though.


Memories shared over Easter dinner



I had stylin' clothes when I was young!

There is a Buddhist saying “To be without a reference point is the ultimate loneliness. It is also called enlightenment.” My partners have always been my reference point and I am obviously having a hard time finding the “enlightenment” so with the fair weather and a few days off work I decided to set off on my hog and search for that enlightenment. As one of the commentors on this blog said, “many great stories have started with a man who had nothing but his hog”. By the time I park the bike and return to the work world I will have put on more than three thousand kilometres through mountains, plains, hoodoos, cites, towns, and small communities, and thankfully have made a stop at the family Easter dinner.

My stops also included many small coffee shops as I wrapped my hands around a hot coffee cup to warm my fingers (it was perhaps not the finest weather for hitting the road on a hog), and small restaurants. Now I have spoke in the past of my tendency to eavesdrop in these places. Within one small coffee shop there can be found an entire world of stories and I was amazed to discover that on this long weekend there were many stories that reflected my reality. Perhaps it is because that is the place my head and heart were in that I picked these conversations out, but the stories were there to be heard.

Take for instance the student, sitting with their large group of friends and talking about the party they were at the night before and the party they were going to that night. Their phone rang and he answered it loudly (which I have a big problem with but that is a topic for another day). It was obvious from the side of the conversation I heard that this call was from family or friends he was not going to be able to be with during the holidays. The cheer went out of his voice, his body slumped like a half filled air bed, and he was quiet as he said good-bye. Even his friends noticed the change and asked about it. His response, “enough beer tonight will make it go away.” Loneliness? On some level I think so.

Then there was the old man sitting at the counter eating his supper. From his conversation with the staff behind the counter and others coming in and leaving the restaurant it was obvious he was a regular. When he was leaving he waved and cheerily commented on seeing them the same time tomorrow. I could see the concern in the waitresses eyes when she said they wouldn't be open because of Easter and I am pretty sure I heard the thud of the man's heart hitting the floor. The waitress, and several others offered invitations to the man to join them for Easter but he politely declined. Loneliness? I think I can relate to that one. From the conversations overheard his wife passed away at Christmas, his children are far away, and that restaurant had been his daily hangout since. There were tears in that small town restaurant. This man was not alone, but I am sure few he felt an emptiness that none of us can really understand tearing at his soul.

I was going to wait until my weekend was finished before I posted this blog but I felt compelled to let my readers know what I am seeing because they can help. Holidays are the times of the highest suicide rates, and loneliness is attributed as a leading factor in that. While you are spending time with your families and friends take some time to reach out and look around at others in your circle of life. You will not be able to eliminate that loneliness but you can help someone over the rough times just by being a friend and being there. Take my work on that one. Even the simplest gesture can make a world of difference in someones life.

I am heading off on my hog again in search of that "enlightenment".  Think I have a long way to go to find it.

Moving On

  I am giving up the battle and declaring defeat. According to Sallust ([86 BC - 34 BC], 'Jugurthine War,' 41 B.C. ) “A good man would prefer to be defeated than to defeat injustice by evil means.” This is very much how I feel. Every lawyer I talk to insists on going after my ex for everything she has or has had and everything she she owns. I don't want to to do this. I don't want to destroy her or have her facing the situation I found myself in. All I want are a few of the things that were personal to me or important to my work, not destroy a person just because I can or for the game of it.

  I did retrieve one important item, my motorcycle which is dear to me, and there are other things I can apparently retrieve from the old house, but I have to pay the unpaid bills run up since I have been out of the house to get them. I can't to do this. I have advised the landlord to sell what she can and apply it to my exes bills.

  I am not giving up on my complaint against my exes lawyer. I do think that Mr. Forestell acted in an unethical way in delaying his response to my letters until my stuff was gone or abandoned, and continues to do so by now refusing to accept any communications for his client which means the only way I can legally communicate with her without her violating her non-contact order is to pay for a lawyer to do so. In other words support a system with money I don't have, and support people who only want to go after everything even if that is not what I want. The L aw Society of Alberta is looking at my complaint, so they say, but I have serious doubts that anything will ever come from it.

  I have started from nothing before and I will do it again. I do have a roof over my head now, and a new job, and friends who I believe are true and really do care about me so the rest should be easy. I am better off than many so if you see me whining here about how I lost everything and how the system fails the victims, feel free to reach out and slap me or give me kick in the rear.

  That being said, to all my readers, if any of you have or know where I can find copies of any of the books I have wrote and had published, any of the magazine articles I have wrote, any of the short stories I have had published, or pictures of any of the blacksmith work I have done, please let me know. I would love to have copies of this stuff.