Lonliness

I have always fancied myself a bit of a hermit (hence the pen name Mountain Hermit) but I am discovering that perhaps I am not. As we headed into the Easter holidays I have come to realize that there is a big empty space within me. This is the first holiday like this in a very, very long time that I have spent without having a partner in my life who I love and who returns that love. It has been that partnership, that intimacy, in the past that has been the stabilizing factor in my life. We have all heard the saying that people can be in the middle of a crowded room and still be lonely. It is hard to understand that until you are there.

My feelings are not unusual. In fact you can find entire scientific studies dedicated to what they term as “intimate isolation” or “emotional isolation.” This type of loneliness is apparently very different from other types, and apparently its effects far more profound. I find myself a very lucky man in that, despite my shyness (what I like to refer to as my anti-social behaviour) I have been able to find friends easily, and while I have been relatively estranged from my brother and sisters (by my own choices), they are always there for me (Something I realized as I took part in the first family gathering I have attended in many, many years). The intimate isolation does seem to affect me deeply though.


Memories shared over Easter dinner



I had stylin' clothes when I was young!

There is a Buddhist saying “To be without a reference point is the ultimate loneliness. It is also called enlightenment.” My partners have always been my reference point and I am obviously having a hard time finding the “enlightenment” so with the fair weather and a few days off work I decided to set off on my hog and search for that enlightenment. As one of the commentors on this blog said, “many great stories have started with a man who had nothing but his hog”. By the time I park the bike and return to the work world I will have put on more than three thousand kilometres through mountains, plains, hoodoos, cites, towns, and small communities, and thankfully have made a stop at the family Easter dinner.

My stops also included many small coffee shops as I wrapped my hands around a hot coffee cup to warm my fingers (it was perhaps not the finest weather for hitting the road on a hog), and small restaurants. Now I have spoke in the past of my tendency to eavesdrop in these places. Within one small coffee shop there can be found an entire world of stories and I was amazed to discover that on this long weekend there were many stories that reflected my reality. Perhaps it is because that is the place my head and heart were in that I picked these conversations out, but the stories were there to be heard.

Take for instance the student, sitting with their large group of friends and talking about the party they were at the night before and the party they were going to that night. Their phone rang and he answered it loudly (which I have a big problem with but that is a topic for another day). It was obvious from the side of the conversation I heard that this call was from family or friends he was not going to be able to be with during the holidays. The cheer went out of his voice, his body slumped like a half filled air bed, and he was quiet as he said good-bye. Even his friends noticed the change and asked about it. His response, “enough beer tonight will make it go away.” Loneliness? On some level I think so.

Then there was the old man sitting at the counter eating his supper. From his conversation with the staff behind the counter and others coming in and leaving the restaurant it was obvious he was a regular. When he was leaving he waved and cheerily commented on seeing them the same time tomorrow. I could see the concern in the waitresses eyes when she said they wouldn't be open because of Easter and I am pretty sure I heard the thud of the man's heart hitting the floor. The waitress, and several others offered invitations to the man to join them for Easter but he politely declined. Loneliness? I think I can relate to that one. From the conversations overheard his wife passed away at Christmas, his children are far away, and that restaurant had been his daily hangout since. There were tears in that small town restaurant. This man was not alone, but I am sure few he felt an emptiness that none of us can really understand tearing at his soul.

I was going to wait until my weekend was finished before I posted this blog but I felt compelled to let my readers know what I am seeing because they can help. Holidays are the times of the highest suicide rates, and loneliness is attributed as a leading factor in that. While you are spending time with your families and friends take some time to reach out and look around at others in your circle of life. You will not be able to eliminate that loneliness but you can help someone over the rough times just by being a friend and being there. Take my work on that one. Even the simplest gesture can make a world of difference in someones life.

I am heading off on my hog again in search of that "enlightenment".  Think I have a long way to go to find it.

Moving On

  I am giving up the battle and declaring defeat. According to Sallust ([86 BC - 34 BC], 'Jugurthine War,' 41 B.C. ) “A good man would prefer to be defeated than to defeat injustice by evil means.” This is very much how I feel. Every lawyer I talk to insists on going after my ex for everything she has or has had and everything she she owns. I don't want to to do this. I don't want to destroy her or have her facing the situation I found myself in. All I want are a few of the things that were personal to me or important to my work, not destroy a person just because I can or for the game of it.

  I did retrieve one important item, my motorcycle which is dear to me, and there are other things I can apparently retrieve from the old house, but I have to pay the unpaid bills run up since I have been out of the house to get them. I can't to do this. I have advised the landlord to sell what she can and apply it to my exes bills.

  I am not giving up on my complaint against my exes lawyer. I do think that Mr. Forestell acted in an unethical way in delaying his response to my letters until my stuff was gone or abandoned, and continues to do so by now refusing to accept any communications for his client which means the only way I can legally communicate with her without her violating her non-contact order is to pay for a lawyer to do so. In other words support a system with money I don't have, and support people who only want to go after everything even if that is not what I want. The L aw Society of Alberta is looking at my complaint, so they say, but I have serious doubts that anything will ever come from it.

  I have started from nothing before and I will do it again. I do have a roof over my head now, and a new job, and friends who I believe are true and really do care about me so the rest should be easy. I am better off than many so if you see me whining here about how I lost everything and how the system fails the victims, feel free to reach out and slap me or give me kick in the rear.

  That being said, to all my readers, if any of you have or know where I can find copies of any of the books I have wrote and had published, any of the magazine articles I have wrote, any of the short stories I have had published, or pictures of any of the blacksmith work I have done, please let me know. I would love to have copies of this stuff.