The Deceit of Lawyers and the Legal System.

I have railed in the past about the lack of morals I perceive in lawyers. It is unfortunately still sad and disturbing when another lawyer only reinforces my opinion. Let me walk you through this real life scenario.

1. A victim of spousal assault contacts the accused's lawyer regarding assets to be divided since the accused is under a no-contact order and direct instructions from this lawyer not to contact her victim.
2. No response is received so further communication is sent to this lawyer.
3. Still no response received so the victim contacts police to assist him to safely recover one major asset (a vehicle).
4. The accused informs police that any of the victim's assets are going to be abandoned and left for the landlord of the property.
5. The victim contacts the accused's lawyer copying it to complaints at the Law Society.
6. An immediate response is received from the accused's lawyer immediately stating that “I have not been retained by Ms. XXXXXX to assist her in property issues arsing out of you and her living together. I had forwarded to her your initial correspondance to me. I had "assumed" that she was dealing with this “ This despite the fact that as the accused's lawyer for the assault he was fully aware that the accused could not legally contact the victim and that he had issued specific instructions for her not to contact the victim. In addition the accused had stated previously that this lawyer had counselled her regarding on at least one major jointly owned asset, a car.
7. The lawyer also states that “ She tells me that the only asset of value that she considers yours to be your motorcycle and that you took your assets when you separated.” This despite the fact that the police report indicates that the victim left with only a bag of clothes and that there was no “separation” only a victim of violence being removed from a volatile environment.
8. The victim now has no legal method to contact the accused to discuss distribution of assets without either forcing the accused to violate her no-contact agreement and lawyers instructions, or revealing contact information that may put him at risk, or paying costly lawyers fees. Given the difference in statements to the police and from the lawyer, if the victim removes any asset from the house that the accused chooses to question he faces the possibility of being charged with theft. Even if legal actions were pursued the obfuscation by the lawyer and accused have delayed sufficiently that there is insufficient time to take actions.

Does this type of action meet the “standards” and code of conduct of the Law Society of Alberta? We will soon find out as the following letter has been sent to the complaints department at the society. As always I welcome your input and feedback and even your stories.

Copy of Letter Sent To Complaints at the Law Society of Alberta

Further to the complaint submitted yesterday regarding xxlawyerxx's handling of Ms. xxxxxxxx's file, I must point out that the response received from xxlawyerxx can not be accurate.

First of all, xxlawyerxx is the legal counsel for Ms. xxxxxxxx in her assault charge and other charges is fully aware that Ms. xxxxxxxx is under a no-contact order with regards to me and has specifically instructed her to have no contact with me. Therefore his statement that “I had forwarded to her your initial correspondance to me. I had "assumed" that she was dealing with this “ can not be accurate as this would be encouraging her to violate her no-contact order and his specific advice.

In addition the statement that “I have not been retained by Ms. xxxxxx to assist her in property issues arsing out of you and her living together” is also misleading as Ms. xxxxxxxx specifically stated that Mr. xxlawyerxx counselled her to acquire the jointly owned car, which I was living in at the time, back (which she did).

In addition the statement that “ She tells me that the only asset of value that she considers yours to be your motorcycle and that you took your assets when you separated” is also misleading as Ms. xxxxxxxx made a different statement to the Police about assets to be picked up and Mr. xxlawyerxx is no doubt aware that when I was removed from the house it was with a few clothes only. The difference in the description of assets made to police and Mr. xxlawyerxx leaves me unable to remove any assets from the house other than the motorcycle as any item Ms. xxxxxxxx chooses to question can result in theft charges being pressed against me.

Further to this matter, Ms. xxxxxxxx has advised other individuals that Mr. xxlawyerxx has counselled Ms. xxxxxxxx to pursue a restraining order against me. If I attempt to contact Ms. xxxxxxxx regarding asset distribution or to acquire any asset Ms. xxxxxxxx chooses to question this may provide grounds for that legal action. These latter two situations have the distinct appearance of entrapment.

The process of delaying my knowledge of whom to contact regarding assets arriving out Ms. xxxxxxxx's and my living together until the items are “abandoned to the landlord”, and with the knowledge that as a result of the assault I have been left homeless and without sufficient resources to pay for legal counsel on this matter, is in fact assisting the accused spousal assaulter in continuing the abuse of their victim. These actions can not possibly fall within the code of conduct of the Law Society of Alberta

Change of Direction

This blog, until this point, has dealt largely with the challenges I have faced during a transition period in my life. It has been a reach out for help, for myself, and for others I care about. In the process it has apparently helped others in similar situations. I hope it continues to do that, and for that reason it is time to change direction.
For those of you who think I am abandoning my fight, you are probably right. But it really isn't my fight anymore. We have reached a point where everybody is responsible for their own choices. Me, I choose to move on and not let lawyers waste away my time or money. The past is the past and there is nothing I can do to change that. Did I get my tools and personal assets back? I think that they will come to me in time but I am not going to waste away time or money on lawyers. I hope cooler heads prevail.
One of the benefits of being single is the time it affords me for writing, which has always been a passion of mine. Whether it is writing a rant about something that I have taken issue with, or a story, or novel, or just a poem, I love to write. I look forward to this opportunity to indulge myself in this passion.
As for rants about things that tick me off, Lord knows there are a million of them, but topping my list today are because lawyers. When people go to lawyers it is usually because they are in some kind of trouble already. My experience is that rather than really offer help, lawyers see every case as an opportunity to one-up their competitor, a game of brinksmanship, and its the clients that end up paying for it, and the non-lawyers suffering. Is there not another way to deal with this stuff rather than spending thousands of dollars fighting over nothing.
I will admit I got sucked into this game. It was apparently a great lawyer that was recommended to me. That great lawyers plan - litigate until people couldn't afford to litigate anymore. Sure there may be no winners in the end after all the bills are paid but everybody would at least be starting in the same position when it was all over.
What kind of crap is that? Are there no morals in law and litigation? If there are I haven't seen them. I am not going to play that game. It's not worth it. If I never do business with another lawyer it will be too soon.
I have blogged about how it is the people that are important in life, not the things. Time for me to start living what I preach.
I do know that there are about a billion lawyer jokes out there but this one hit home for me today.

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!

Victimizing The Victim

Dread - Concern - Confusion - Frustration - Loss

It has been a quiet weekend with a lot of time for thinking and I find myself with a menagerie of feelings and emotions. You see, Monday is supposed to be the day my ex goes to court for her assault on me. I don't quite know how to feel about that. I have a deep sense of dread, not for myself, but for my ex. I am concerned that rather than provide her with the help she needs, that will choose punishment instead – assuming anything happens by the time the lawyers are through with it.
How I even know about the court date is is the source of confusion, and disappointment. You would think that as the victim of the assault I might have been kept informed about the case, maybe even asked a few more questions beyond what the police asked the night of the assault. That is unfortunately not the case. Just to submit a victim impact statement, something every victim of crime has a right to submit, I had to jump through hoops to try and get the forms and the information required to submit the statement. Now I know others who have been through a similar situation. After the police interview the first night, police usually followed up to make sure they got all the details and they weren't missing any vital information – victim services followed up with them to make sure they had what they needed – and they were informed of court dates and more. They were part of the process. The difference? I hate to even think it but these were women – I am not. Talk about victimizing the victim! That is exactly how I feel.
That being said, for those of you that are believers, pray for my wife that in this case and the SPCA charges which I think also comes up this month, that the court finds the wisdom of Solomon and comes up with a solution that will help her, and ensure the future success of her and the children.
I also find myself facing a deep sense of loss, because I know at this point it is no longer my family, and that I will likely never get to speak to the children or my ex again. I held some hope that the children's father would see that I had some involvement in the children's lives but I suspect that is not to be the case. Even though I was a father to these children for most of their lives, the fact that my ex and I were common-law only means I unfortunately have no say in this situation. Men be forewarned!!
The feeling of loss is also the result of giving up on the horses, which I really do love and care for. If I didn't I wouldn't care about the situation they are in. Unfortunately because it is obvious that my ex would rather run up thousands of dollars in legal bills rather than part with any horses (despite the fact there is already 10's of thousands of dollars of bills relating to the horses already there) the only option I had was to offer her claim to all the animals in return for my work related tools and some items that have been passed down through inheritance in my family. It leaves her with all the horse bills, but there is far more value in horses there than bills if she is willing to do what is needed. Personally I feel victimized again, having to give up my claim to pretty much everything just to get what I need to move forward with my life, but it would only hurt the kids forcing her to put more money into lawyers fees. Truth is, but the time her and her lawyer delay everything the horses will probably be seized by the SPCA, or hidden somewhere. My life will go on, even starting from the ground up again. It is just unfortunate that a legal system that is suppose to protect is such a part of victimizing the victims itself.

Keep Your Friends Close and Family Closer

In my time spent living in my car, and now has a single man starting over from scratch, I have found myself spending an exorbitant amount of time in coffee shops. Sitting alone in these coffee shops I often find myself overhearing (or as some may call it, eavesdropping) the conversations around me. These days of course a lot of the conversations center around the ongoing disaster in Japan. The speed at which the disaster occurred, the sudden and massive loss of life, the impact of the nuclear plant meltdown, and then, more often then not, the comment that we are so lucky it is not us.

These conversations do hit close to my heart as I have a friend who was hours away from being in the area destroyed by the tsunami, and who lost family members – there one moment and gone the next. While she is working in China I spent some time with her father here, and it was hard to listen to just how overwhelming the impact has been entire communities around the world.

What does this have to do with my ongoing rants about animal hoarding, spousal assault on men, and many of the other things I have been ranting about? Nothing.... and everything. I am obviously taking the steps to move forward with my life, get my feet back under me, and growing again, and my blog will follow. But here is how it has everything to do with the things I have been experiencing in life.

So many of us live in pursuit of the finer things in life. We live in a a culture of privilege and plenty. We are not satisfied with a small starter home, instead we finance our lives away to get the perfect home. We fill that home with toys and goodies, much of which has been financed, and each of the family members hangs out in their separate rooms, seeing each other when they meet at the refrigerator and fight for the last can of coke. We have two, or three, or more vehicles, because we can't cooperate enough with other family members to get places together, or we live such separate lives that we just go in separate directions. I am, unfortunately, just as guilty as many in living my life like this.

I find myself writing about this because of the numerous times I have heard people follow their conversations about the Japan disaster with conversations about separation and divorce, often with finances at the root of the problem. Others talk about moving on with their lives because they want to do something new or different, and the friends and family they will be leaving behind really play no bearing in their decisions. I have been guilty of this to.

The sad thing is that when it gets down to the nitty gritty, you can own a mansion, you can have 5 cars, you can have your ranch and dozens of animals, but none of this, absolutely none of this is worth giving up friends and family for. People should be our priority – plain and simple. When there is nothing else, no cash in the bank, no roof over our head, no food on the table, the only thing there for us is friends and family, and we owe it to them to be there for them. Our priorities are screwed up when we choose things over people, when we work our lives away paying for things financed that we don't really need, just want.

My friend who lost several family members in the Japan disaster recently posted the following on Facebook;
“As I mourn over my recent loss of family I find myself thinking of others who have family, friends, and loved ones that we allow to be estranged or put out of our lives. Keep them close, love them everyday irregardless, care for them as if they are part of you, for they may be gone in a moment.”

I couldn't agree more.

Keep your friends close – Keep you family closer – and get your priorities straight.

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

The Good

It is amazing how things can seem to be at a standstill, even going in reverse until some little rocket comes along and gives you a kick in the pants. My kick in the pants came from a very wise woman. Her statement to me - "You whine and complain that your wife would not seek out or listen to the opinion of others, yet you – while you seek out the opinion of thousands of readers, yet refuse to listen to the advice you are being given. Do yo want to be her?”

Speechless is what I was. This complete stranger tracked me down somehow to where I was parking my car during the nights – rapped on the window – insisted on buying me a coffee, and gave me hell. You know what – I deserved it.

How a stranger tracked me down based on my blogging, I am not sure, perhaps even concerned a little, but the fact is, as i write this I have had more than 3000 hits on this blog. From those hits I have received numerous emails, some good, some bad, some just cruel, but among them have been emails saying “Thank you – I thought I was alone in my battle but I see now I am not. Your words have given me strength.” and “I showed my husband your blog – he read it all – our horses have gone to auction except for the couple we ride. He asked me to do with him to counselling Your words and your story has saved our marriage and our family. May God intercede and help you with yours.”

That is good!! That is beyond good, and they are only a couple of many. I have said it before and I will say it again – If this blog has succeeded in helping only one person it has accomplished more than I could ask for. As the Mountain Hermit, my storytelling persona, I often said that the point of a story can pierce the heart far deeper than the point of a bullet. My words almost stopped here. Hell I almost stopped. But the words will continue, my story will continue, and I hope it is there to help others.

Other good things are happening as well. Things like reuniting with family members who I was estranged from, and friends who were so far in the past that have reached out. Strangers, all of them, who have joined complete strangers in my growing list of friends and support network. This network has made sure that I now have a vehicle to get around in and a roof over my head. Tell me that isn't good!!! In addition to that I have a job interview coming up for a position I was specifically referred for, which I optimistic will translate into that second income I could use.

Other potentially good things include the comment from Sara, a researcher for the Animal Hoarding show. I can only hope that my wife sees that comment and looks into taking advantage of the potential help. It is in my wife's hand now as I know there is nothing I can do for her. Some of the recent comments about me not being a part of the family are a good thing as well. A couple were wrote in a mean spirited way, but they made me think and realize a couple of things. I was not her “sugar daddy”. I believe that at some level she loved me. But I think that the horses are such an overwhelming factor in her heart and mind that she could never really accept all the love I had for her and the children. That is why I am not a part of anything and nothing is mine. Not because she is vicious, heartless and cruel, just not open to anything but her horses.

My wife did completely surprise me by showing up at my place of work on Monday to drop off some blacksmithed furniture that I had made. I had asked her to do that but I didn't expect it to happen. The sad thing about this is that as soon as I got the call that she was there fear took hold of me. Fear that she was there to give me hell, that if I got close enough I would get hit or punched again. Fear that she would do something that would cause me to loose my job. I did not realize just how frightened I am of her, how worried that if she finds me alone I will be beat again. It didn't happen. She was reasonable and I honestly didn't say two words to her. I couldn't even bring myself to look at her because in my heart I want nothing more than to hold her and tell her I love her, despite the fear. I don't know if I told her at the moment but I really appreciate her dropping that stuff off.

That being said, I have a beautiful handmade mahagony table with a hand blacksmithed pedastal base and two blacksmithed, one-of-a kind dog beds which I can not store or do anything with so I have donated them to the school I work at. They will be auctioned off by silent auction. There is probably $4000 to $5000 worth of items there if I had the time to market them properly, and I am sure the silent auction will not get anywhere near that value, but the school will put the money to good use. If anyone is interested in bidding on them contact me at cantankerousoldfart@gmail.com.

The Bad

As so many have recommended I have started seeing a mental health professional. Many can not understand the difficulty this presented to me. With a family member who was deeply affected by mental health issues and so adversely affected by the medications and treatments I live in fear of becoming that person. But I am going. And it isn't horrible. In fact my confidence was gained the minute I was told I didn't need the drugs the doctor wanted to prescribe to me. That alone has created a level of trust that I didn't think I could ever give to a mental health professional.

The sordid details – what I am feeling is exactly what I should be feeling. I have have my life and my family suddenly ripped out of my life, just as sure as if a car accident took them all. Grieving is normal. Anger, hatred, loathing at the person who ripped my loved ones from my life and took my life as I knew it from me – normal. In the counsellor's words he “would be concerned if I didn't feel this way.”

Choosing to keep animals irregardless of costs and effects on the family – not normal thinking – but nothing I can do about it.

Staying with a physically abusive spouse for years, thinking things wouldn't happen again, that they would get better – normal. I am out now and that is a good thing, but the mindset that kept me there was just the same as all those women who stay in the same situations. Sad to say I was one of those men who often asked the question “why didn't they just get out?” I asked that question of my own mother whose alcoholic husband would get violently abusive. I didn't realize until now why. I didn't realize just how strong she had to be to finally get out. My mother is no longer with us for me to apologize to her so I can only hope she is with me on some level and knows just how sorry I am.

I have included some links here about family violence, and why they stay. Yes the articles are primarily directed at women, but it happens to men to, and everyone must realize this. Men if you are in this situation these articles are about you to. I would tell you to get out but I know how meaningless those words can be when you have a family you are responsible for and love, when your finances are tied to the abuser and you can't find the resources to get free, when other men will look down their nose at you and you loose all pride and confidence because as a man you could not deal with this on your own. All I can ask is that you read, and learn, and talk, and pray that you get strong enough to take the actions you need to.

The Ugly

And this is really ugly. The image of my three children staring at me covered in blood, shirt torn to shreds, their mother throwing me to the floor so I can't get to the phones, is so deeply burned into my mind that I see it every time I close my eyes. This is the first time they have seen this bad of a result but not the first time they have been present when my wife went off like this. And according to my mental health workers this is mental abuse to the children. They are right of course, I know it and it tears at me so deeply that every time I think of my children I find myself in tears.

According to the workers I am seeing mental health professionals, my wife should be seeing mental health professionals, but more important than all that, the children should be seeing mental health professionals. At the very least childcare’s services should be called in and checking on them regularly. These counsellors are as frustrated as I am with the situation because as a common-law partner and stepfather there is nothing I can do to make sure this happens. What happens with the children is completely out of my hands now. I don't know if their father reads this blog but I hope he does and gets them the counselling they need. I will gladly give up every last penny I have to see they get the care and counselling they need, whether I get to see them again or not.

The other really ugly. I have taken the advice of many and secured legal counsel. I hate it. I hate having to do it because I know my wife can be a reasonable person. She has been through this herself and wasn't happy with how her partners lawyers screwed her around so I would hope she wouldn't do that to me, but in the heat of the moment sometimes cooler heads do not prevail. Almost universally I have been told to lawyer up. They can't all be wrong. I have taken the advice.

Please take some time to visit these links. They may not apply to you directly but there isn't a doubt in my mind that you will meet someone in your life who the information may help.



Domestic Violence – An Overview of Spousal Abuse


Domestic Violence – An Overview of Spousal Abuse
Domestic violence
Why do women stay? Why don't they leave?

Facts About Spousal Abuse and Men

Domestic Violence and Abuse
Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

If there are more links you think should be here please let me know.

The Mindset of An Animal Hoarder

In a recent conversation with my wife she told me I wasn't supporting her with the horses and that “if i am going to lose everything that really was mine, its going to be by me and no one else.”

She is not wrong. Several months ago I had told her not to talk to me about the horses anymore to me and not to ask for help. I quite simply couldn't take the stress. What did that get me? At the moment a rock solid punch in the chest while I was sitting back in the chair with my eyes closed. It was at that point I insisted she get anger management counselling. She did. I think she went twice to a counsellor.

Six years of time, thousands of dollars, hours or work, countless hours of stress, and nothing to do with horses is mine apparently. (see the costs breakdown in the previous post). Six years of love, joy, pain, anger, stress, fun, and apparently the family was not mine. Education, study, work, and my farrier service, which apparently she is working under the name now is not mine. A blacksmithing business, that although struggling due to economic times, was moving ahead, operated out of my home and gone now due to no access to the home and equipment and even if I did too many family debts built up over the years to start over somewhere else – was that not mine? Sure I came into the relationship with nothing. I was starting over. Does that mean after six years I should still have nothing? That nothing I invested time, love, and money in is mine, because I came with nothing? I just don't understand.
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Am I wrong? Is the mindset not sick and twisted? In making sure that if she looses everything that really was hers, its going to be by her and no one else has she not removed that option from me, removing everything that was in part mine and that I was a part of by force and not giving me an option in matter?

Was I wrong to say I wasn't going to continue to help or support with the horses? To try and force her to see the impact they were having on our lives financially and mentally?

I know I am wasting my breath hear when it comes to changing her thinking. I have asked her on numerous occasions to take these thoughts and concepts to others, independent people, friends, family to ask if I was wrong. She steadfastly refused. She didn't and doesn't want to hear the opinion of someone who doesn't support her completely. Alcoholics surround themselves with other alcoholics. Drug attics keep company with other drug attics. I have trouble not thinking that this isn't the same thing my wife is doing.

I know that she views this blog as an assault on her. It is not and never was intended to be. I don't care about the horses, the businesses, the car, the house or any of that stuff. I care about the woman I love and my children. Their ongoing welfare is my priority. This blog, at this point, is my way to fight for the people I love and care about.

The Myth Persists

An open letter to my daughter and others.

I sent a friend request to my oldest daughter on Face book. It was not accepted. My wife informs me that it was not accepted because my daughter has read this blog and thinks I am lying. They came to me with thirty horses, they are their horses, the horses shouldn't go anywhere. I am lying. She wants nothing to do with me

This of course breaks my heart. I can't expect that she is aware of all the impact, and cost, and problems with the horse, though she is quite capable of understanding it. I unfortunately will never get the option to explain it to her so I will explain it hear and hope that she reads it, and that others read it so they can understand.

First let me state flat out. My wife is not a monster, not a horrible person, not evil. She is incredible with horses but that attachment also blinds her to some things I believe. I have no wish to harm her, ruin her life, or involve lawyers to aggravate matters.

So here are the facts as I see them -

1. Yes my wife and children came with 30 horses
2. Yes had my wife been able to financially support and physically care fore those animals on her own I would have no right to say or think anything about the situation.
3. Yes, if the horses were the 30 original and given condition two above I would have no right to inject my opinion or any claim to the animals

The unfortunate reality of the situation.

1. We have lost many animals to age, illness, and injury over the years.
2. We have had horses taken off pasture and sold to cover pasture rental that wasn't paid (and still has not).
3. We have bought back horses from the auction to recover animals sold in 2.
4. We have had to bear the extra costs of moving because more horses than were agreed to in our lease were kept on the property.
5. We have had to pay for repairs to fences and buildings caused by the horses.
6. We have incurred vet fees for the horses over the last six years (much of which still has not been paid).
7. While grass may be free, it is only free if you own the property it is on. We have incurred expenses for pasture rental over the years – again with much of the amount still owing.
8. Horses, no matter how many, need hay and food over the winter and much of the year in our area. Hay is expensive – very expensive. Some of it has been paid for but several suppliers are still owed a great deal of money.
9. We have had close to sixty horses at one time, prior to the seizure by the SPCA because the animals were in such poor condition with little or not food on site.
10. We paid out money to buy several of those horses back.
11. It costs money and time to move horses and hay around the country side.
12. Our horse herd expanded through unplanned breeding
13. We lost our major source of income – farrier work – due to the reputation given us as a result of the SPCA seizure. (not a direct cost but no income means costs don't get covered..
The point is, the horse herd is not the same 30 horses we started with as a family. Neither my wife or I made enough income to support the herd individually, or together. If we had none of these bills would pile up. Even if we had made enough to cover the considerable expenses of the horses, there are still the considerable expenses of maintaining a family – housing – food – vehicles, fuel – phone – electricity, etc.

Whether a business or family or a single person, continually running more expenses than income creates major stress for every involved. And problems between family and friends that money has been borrowed from or owed to. Yes we did sell some horses over the years, but nowhere near enough to cover the costs of keeping, raising, and maintaining so many animals. That is why we often ended up selling new things just to cover expenses like the brand new paid for quad which we sold at a fraction of its value to stave off creditors, or the sleigh I got for Christmas and had to be sold soon after.

The fact is something has to give. We as adults and parents are responsible first to ensure the basic needs of the family are met. Any expenses beyond that, such as buying and maintaining horses are fine, as long as your basic expenses are covered and you can provide properly for the animals in your care.

I am not saying my wife was negligent or wrong for not seeing this reality of life. She was blinded by love – love for her horses. Not having the horses near, or even in possession was and is unthinkable to her. That is why she can not see the whole financial picture.

I was just as guilty. Love blinded me as well. That love made me stay the first time she beat me because I raised the issue of expenses and the horses. It made me stay the second time. It made me stay the third time. Had it not been for my wife reporting her assault on me to the police I would probably still be there. That is my mental problem to deal with and why I am seeking help.

If my daughter, or any of my children are reading this, please consider it as my point of view. There are two sides to every story and usually the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Read it with your Dad. Read it with your friends or school councillor. Get another, independent person's point of view so you can have all the information and make an informed decision. I can't ask you to do anymore. Just remember that I love you, all four of you, your mom, my two girls and my little boy. I miss you like crazy.

If this is someone else reading this, I sincerely hope it can help you as well. Help you to understand just how quickly you can be drawn into someone else s problem. Help you to understand how sometimes space is needed to get a clear view of things. Understand just how quickly things can go wrong.

Utterly Completely Unbelievable.

This is most definitely a rant, but I am upset. Beyond upset. I just received a jpg in my email from an anonymous person showing my wifes facebook page and that she has signed up for the Pequinox Equine Dentistry course.

I am out freezing my A#@# off with no home because she assaulted me and I stupidly told the police she needed the house cause of the kids so I would find an alternative, she demands the return of my car (my only housing) and to top it off she signs up for a $10,000 equine dentistry course.

Don't get me wrong. The course is among the best in the world and well worth the money. I have been trying to attend for years but we could never find the funds or the ability for me to be away from work long enough (cause bills had to be paid). I had even spent a significant amount of time working with the owner of Pequinox developing a business plan but I still couldn't swing the costs of the course. So how does she afford it while I budget for my next meal? Why does she when she swore up and down she never wanted to do that work because it was too physical? What the heck happens with the thousands of dollars in bills for feed and pasture and lawyers that have been racked up cause of the horses and remain unpaid?

Better question yet. How does someone who is up on animal cruelty charges and causing suffering to animals even qualify to participate in that program? I had to shut down my farrier practice because I lost most of my clients due to the SPCA seizure and condition of her horses last spring. Now I find she is not only doing farrier work, but taking a course which I have wanted to for years and somehow miraculously come up with the $10,000 fee (which had to be paid up front I was told when I tried to negtiate a payment plan) while I can't even get a roof over my head.

This sounds angry and frustrating because it is There are some things wrong in this world and this is one of them.

"Theres a fire softly burnin, suppers on the stove".....

It is one thing to write about my situation and experiences myself. It is something completely different to see someone elses words interpret your story. Reality kind of slams you in the face. Please have a look at this article. Irricana Citizens Voice

The Car Has Got To Go

Well I knew it was coming, just hoped it would wait a few more weeks, but the car has to go back to the wife. I can't make the payments on it and continue to keep living in it with my current income. Truth is I had wanted to leave it at the house to start with because I didn't want to leave my wife and children without the car (though she does have a truck she had just convinced me to by before all this crap went down). It was only by the grace of God that I couldn't drop the car back off that first night. Had I, I would have found myself completely on the streets. Don't know how she intends to pay for it either with all the horse expenses, lawyers bills, SPCA fines, and feed and pasture bills run up, but I guess that is not my problem anymore. I would say sell some horses but just typing it I can feel a beating coming on. That was meant to sound amusing but it really is the feeling I have.

Anyway I did a little car shopping yesterday. I can afford a car payment, just not this particular car payment. I found a few options yesterday. Options that seemed like they would be dependable (which seems even more important when you are living in your car) and amusingly enough, looked like they may be more comfortable to sleep in. Never expected that to be one of my shopping guidelines for a car!

Now is where the catch 22 comes in. I have wrote about the first part of the catch 22 - make enough money for food and warmth in the car, but not enough to set any aside for damage deposit and first months rent which would lower my expenses long term (there is no such thing as inexpensive food if you can't cook it yourself).

That is challenging enough. Having to send the car back to the ex at this point only makes it more complicated.

1. Need car for shelter, to continue current job, and travel for additional job (which I hope comes soon).
2. Sufficient income for car payment - no fixed address or phone, don't qualify for loan. (BTW I have asked others to ask my wife for my phone to be mailed to me - let's hope she does).
3. Need to get a more permanent housing solution - need additional income to set money aside.
4. Return to step 1.

Am I missing something hear? I don't want to borrow money from friends or family because at this point I don't know when or if I can pay them back. Friendship is more important to me at this point then money (I suppose it always should be) and I am not prepared to sacrifice friends over bad debts. Besides that, the situation I am coming out of was caused partially by the stresses of the huge debt being run up for things we couldn't afford. I don't want to go there again. Starting over is one thing. Starting over by having to dig myself out of a deep hole to start with just doesn't seem smart or healthy.

Is my thinking wrong ? Am I missing something? Is there another solution that isn't going to take me away from a good job I really enjoy?

It has never been so clear for me just how easily and how quickly things can spiral out of control for a person, anybody, to go from a comfortable home life to be jobless and on the street. It is like a whirlpool sucking down to the bottom of the ocean and collapsing in over top of you.

At this point I really am looking for constructive input from my readers. Please comment with your input. I really do need some help thinking this through. I look forward to hearing from all of you.

Why

I know there were a great many that were bothered when I stopped writing here, even for a brief period, but I also often get the question of why do I write here. I can answer that last question in three simple words - hope - assistance - therapy.

Hope - Hope that my wife and children are doing well and that maybe someone who recognizes me on this blog will let me know how my children are. I miss the three kids so much it tears me apart to see young children and familys out together. I would give the world to be able to sit down and have a chat with them, hug them, but apparantly my wife has been told that she can't have any contact with me now until the assault charges against her have gone through the courts and of course this means I don't get to see my kids because they aren't really mine, just step children.

Hope that my wife gets the help she needs, not just for the anger and violence, but for the obvious problem she has with animal hoarding. That she addresses the problem before the SPCA comes in and seizes more horses. Before it has an even more adverse affect on her and the children. Before other people get drawn in and taken down.

Hope that I can find the strength to continue on day to day. There have been days that has been questionable but I will get strong again, get my health back under me, and start over. Perhaps even someday have enough faith to trust someone enough to love again.

Assistance - Assistance to others going through similar challenges. Whether it is dealing with an animal hoarder, bwing among the working poor and between homes, or just struggling in general. If even one person can find some assistance within the words on this blog, a simple sense of "I am not alone", then writing this has been more than worth it. I know that one person who reached out through the comments on this blog, a person who has faced the same challenges himself, gave me a lift when I desparately needed one just from the mere fact that I realized I was not the only one going through this. You always know that somewhere in the back of your mind but sometimes you just have to see it or be told straight out just to put things in perspective.

Therapy - I do not have a circle of friends to sit down and talk with, though I will admit I am discovering I have more friends than I ever thought I had. Even if I did though I am a very closed and private person so sharing my thoughts, and feelings, and problems just isn't something that is going to happen. Writing is therapy for me. Before these blogs I have wrote children's books, novels, articles, text books, and more. Writing is my talking, my sharing, the keyboard is my couch, the computer my therapist.

Things are no doubt challenging for me. I go through my highs and my lows. Sleeping in the car, as concerned as many are about it, is not horrible. I could be on the street and I am not taking up limited shelter space from those who need it. I realized the other night just how quickly things can go wrong when you have no shelter. I stupidly ran out of gas during a very cold night while I was sleeping. Had someone not checked on me in the car I would have been sleeping forever. Landed my stupid butt in the hospital with mild hypothermia and mild frost bite. Stupid, but it does illustrate how quickly things can go horribly wrong.

That being said, there are people in far worse situations then I am. My wife and children among them (although I am sure their father will make sure they are well - he is a good man and I suspect probably went through much of the same stuff with my wife when he was with her). People stuck in abusive relationships and can't get out. People that have no resources and no-one there at all for them. No, my situation is rough, but survivable. There is always someone who needs more than you do.

And that is why I write as Cantankerous Old Fart in this blog and my other one.

I Don't Exist

I'm Back

Well it has been a taken a few days for me to gather my emotions and thoughts after that fraudulent email I received. It was a true emotional crash for me and the unfortunate thing is whoever fraudulently wrote that email was not just screwing with me, but my ex as well.

In hindsight, this person did me a favour as they revealed some truths to me that I wasn't aware of, or hadn't wanted to see.

Truth #1 – there is no chance for reconciliation between my ex and I. She is using her no contact order to live her life like I never existed and don't exist. No regrets about what she did or how she did it. In fact she has found solace in the arms of others already while she eliminates me from the her life and my children's.

Truth #2 – She is selling horses, or at least a horse – my horse so she can feed her other 30 or so horses.

Truth #3 – She would welcome me falling of the face of the earth so she didn't have to deal with me ever again.

Now this may seem like rumour being spread and just anger and bitterness talking, and it is indeed anger and bitterness, but it is unfortunately not rumour. I wish it was but it was put to me quite directly so I could not be confused about it. I can't help but think that I was living a life of delusion thinking that she ever cared about me, or about anybody but herself.

That being said, I have had a multitude of email from readers and those that know me asking me to not stop with my blog and offering their support. I appreciated all the support and encouragement and I will continue this blog, though I am going to change it up some. I will continue advocating for help for people with animal hoarding issues and for help for homeless people stuck in a loop as I am. I will keep readers updated about my life and situations I encounter, and about the results of the charges against my ex and her horse situation, at least the part I am made aware of. I won't keep whining here about my ex because it is useless to waste energy on someone who doesn't even acknowledge your existence.

I have also added a new blog. It's nothing like this blog. Free form poetry and writing about me feelings. Nothing educational, Nothing that is going to help anyone but me as I write it but I hope you get some pleasure out of reading it http://whitheringheart.blogspot.com/ Please add your comments and feedback to that blog as well.

Thanks again for all your support. I look forward to a long relationship with all my readers to who I do exist.

Some People Are Cruel Sadistic Idiots

Got an email tonight from someone who obviously knows me by my real name because they faked the from address as my wife's email address. It was an aboslutely marevelous email and it made it seem like we were goingto be able to get passed this, get things fixed up, and have a life together afterall. I haven't felt so great in weeks.

Then the harsh reality - it was bullshit - faked - a complete fraud. I found out the hard way and when I looked into the header of the email I saw the cold, cruel truth.

Congratuations you idiot. You took a heart that was crushed and a sole that was trampled already and just ground them into nothing. You know who you are. Just remember that it is because of you that there won't be another post here.