Wow, I see from the comments that some people are really paying attention to my progress. First let me tell you that I am okay. The nights have been cold (darn cold) and it is costing more in fuel than I planned to stay warm but I am doing okay. I have been keeping myself occupied during the days trying to get my life back on track and deal with things and I thought a couple of days away from my whining wouldn't hurt! I haven't had the interview for the job I mentioned yet but I am fairly confident it is coming. I am feeling better thanks to my time in the gym and that helps a lot.
One disappointng and frustrating thing over the past week is trying to deal with Alberta (Chinook) victim services. Not having a phone line has made it impossible to call them (especially since Chinook division is long distance from work) and they have no email apparently. I contancted the main office of Victim services by email twice. The first time I received no response and the second time I was told the Chinook division would phone me at work. That was three days ago. I want to file a victim impact statement in the case against my ex but I have to go through Victim Services to do this and at this rate everything will be done before I have a chance to have any imput. I think its important a statement be filed so the courts understand the extent of the problem and where it has left me, an how it persists since it seems everyone I ever knew is being told I just up and abandoned the family. Kind of hard to go back to a small community when you are seen as a pariah there because of lies used to cover someone elses issues.
I thought victim services was fantastic in my first dealing with them. They handed me the paper work I needed, offered me some housing suggestions, and made sure I got a room for that night. After that it seems like I don't exist to them, even though they know where I can be reached during the day or a message left for me, and they have my email. The sad fact is all the information they gave me about potential housing help was wrong, at least according to the Income Support people. And I have not heard a thing about what is going on with the case and it seems am not going to get the assistance I need to even file a Victim Impact Statement. I have talked to women who have been through this and according to them they always had follow-up and before any case proceeded they were interviewed to see if this was a one time thing or just the first time they called the police. They also had follow-up to make sure they were safe and had a roof over their head and food. Seems like double standards, and I fear at this point my ex will probaly get nothing leaving none of the real issues dealt with. I am confused and depressed over the whole process.
As for the force a divorce and sell the horses thing, we weren't actually married (though it was on three months ago she said yes to marriage) and forcing the sale of the horses won't solve the problem. She will get more horses and it will start all over again. At this point I have better things to do with my meager funds than donate them to a lawyer.
Other than that things are okay. I am hoping the job interview call comes any day and in the meantime I will fill up my time with the gym, my part time job, and some writing on the side (other than this blog).
For those that asked, thanks for caring. It is much appreciated.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Thank You Gold's Gym!!!
Okay, I know it sounds like an advertisement, but it isn't. The simple fact is that I should done this a couple weeks ago because it is making all the difference in the world for me, both mentally and physically.
You may have read in my last post that I was putting some of my short funds into joining a gym. At first glance many would say why do that and I can understand that thought but being able to go into a gym eveyday gives me a place to shower every day (lord knows I need that) and a place to hang out and do something constructive other that sit in a coffee shop stretching out a coffee for hours to stay warm.
What I didn't realize at the time was just how cathartic and benficial joining the gym would be. Working out (something which I have not done in years) has helped to relieve some of the aches and pains from sleeping in the cramped cold car. Working out has also left me tired enough that I actually sleep through the night. Its amazing how much difference some good sleep can have on your overall mental state. Even more beneficial is the help the excellent staff at Gold's gym have given me in getting my shoulder released and moving again. The couple of guys I dealt with were knowledgeable and had some good advice and suggestions. I can't them enough for taking the time they did with me.
The atmosphere and people at Gold's are fantastic too. It's not so crowded that you are rushed through the equipment and you aren't in the way if you site and relax for a while. Even the front desk staff are friendly and chatty. The socialization away from work, especially during this extended break, has been great. As the cantankerous old fart I am I don't often throw out recommendations for places or things, but I would recommend Gold's gym to everyone.
You may have read in my last post that I was putting some of my short funds into joining a gym. At first glance many would say why do that and I can understand that thought but being able to go into a gym eveyday gives me a place to shower every day (lord knows I need that) and a place to hang out and do something constructive other that sit in a coffee shop stretching out a coffee for hours to stay warm.
What I didn't realize at the time was just how cathartic and benficial joining the gym would be. Working out (something which I have not done in years) has helped to relieve some of the aches and pains from sleeping in the cramped cold car. Working out has also left me tired enough that I actually sleep through the night. Its amazing how much difference some good sleep can have on your overall mental state. Even more beneficial is the help the excellent staff at Gold's gym have given me in getting my shoulder released and moving again. The couple of guys I dealt with were knowledgeable and had some good advice and suggestions. I can't them enough for taking the time they did with me.
The atmosphere and people at Gold's are fantastic too. It's not so crowded that you are rushed through the equipment and you aren't in the way if you site and relax for a while. Even the front desk staff are friendly and chatty. The socialization away from work, especially during this extended break, has been great. As the cantankerous old fart I am I don't often throw out recommendations for places or things, but I would recommend Gold's gym to everyone.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Positive Movement
You would think after yesterday I would be pretty down and depressed, and I was. On top of everything else I knew it was going to be another bloody cold night and I just wasn't looking forward to. But today - well today is payday which means I made it. I finished the week with $10 bucks in my pocket and the few pounds I lost, well I could afford to loose them.
One of the first things I did today was sign up for a monthly membership at a local gym. Not only does this give me something to do in those long, lonely evenings and days off, but it provides me with a spot to shower and clean up every day. That will be nice. I did workout today as well (for the first time in many years) and I am sore, but it's a good sore.
The second positive thing today is I gave the gentleman who offered some help in finding a job for me and it looks like he has really come through for me. At a time when I was loosing all faith in people this gentlemen went out of his way to find work for me that was a fit for me. The position he mentioned sounds like an excellent fit for me, not just a mcjob, and I am quite stoked about the opportunity. But if you want to know how small the world is, I actually did some work for this man many years ago (in my alter ego) and he is one of the few (it seems) that know of my fictional writing in my alter ego. (everybody sing it now - It's a small world afterall, It's..... Good luck in getting that earworm out of your head).
Number three on my list of positive things - I started a new page on my blog. I hope to use it to perhaps help and guide others who might find themselves in this unfortunate situation. I am excited enough about this whole blog project that I drafted up and sent out an email to local media about it. (If you are reading this drop the CBC, the Herald, The Sun, and whatever other media you can think of and tell them they should have a close look at this story.) I know its only a resource page or two but i can tell you even the little bit of information that is up there already would have made a world of difference for me to know going into the process. I really hope it helps others, and of course writing this blog and providing the information is very cathartic for me. That being said, I hope that I find myself working in that fantastic job soon and don't have the opportunity to update this blog so often.
One of the first things I did today was sign up for a monthly membership at a local gym. Not only does this give me something to do in those long, lonely evenings and days off, but it provides me with a spot to shower and clean up every day. That will be nice. I did workout today as well (for the first time in many years) and I am sore, but it's a good sore.
The second positive thing today is I gave the gentleman who offered some help in finding a job for me and it looks like he has really come through for me. At a time when I was loosing all faith in people this gentlemen went out of his way to find work for me that was a fit for me. The position he mentioned sounds like an excellent fit for me, not just a mcjob, and I am quite stoked about the opportunity. But if you want to know how small the world is, I actually did some work for this man many years ago (in my alter ego) and he is one of the few (it seems) that know of my fictional writing in my alter ego. (everybody sing it now - It's a small world afterall, It's..... Good luck in getting that earworm out of your head).
Number three on my list of positive things - I started a new page on my blog. I hope to use it to perhaps help and guide others who might find themselves in this unfortunate situation. I am excited enough about this whole blog project that I drafted up and sent out an email to local media about it. (If you are reading this drop the CBC, the Herald, The Sun, and whatever other media you can think of and tell them they should have a close look at this story.) I know its only a resource page or two but i can tell you even the little bit of information that is up there already would have made a world of difference for me to know going into the process. I really hope it helps others, and of course writing this blog and providing the information is very cathartic for me. That being said, I hope that I find myself working in that fantastic job soon and don't have the opportunity to update this blog so often.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
The Working Poor!!
There are an abundance of stories in the media that referring to the "working poor" and while I had a basic understanding of the concept, the reality of it didn't really hit me until today. It is a very small step to go from working and having a roof over your head to working and not having that roof over your head (whether cause of financial circustances or an animal hoarding wife or any of a variety of other reasons). Once you don't have that roof over your head setting aside the money for a deposit and first months payment can be difficult. Sure you don't have the costs you had before of your home but other things can impact your income, like higher food costs, other accomodations, or not being able to make it to work because of where you have to park your head for the night.
I got up today (quite early cause it was bloody cold last night) with a sense of hope that I would come up with a housing solution today. Victim services told me the night my wife was arrested that there was a program that would help with a damage deposit, first months rent, and some furniture to get on my feet. After almost three hours at the Income Support office what I came away with was there really is no help available for me unless I want to move to Calgary (which would mean abandoning the job I have). Even the cousellor thought that would be a silly idea. That money that victim services said would be available for me is actually targeted at women and children, just like interim housing. I could make use of the homeless shelters but again that would mean being in Calgary every night at which point I wouldn't be able to afford to go back and forth to work reasonably.
This isn't being between a rock and a hard place - it's standing between two rocks that are simutaneously slamming into the sides of my head. If you can't already tell I am pretty pissed, and even more depressed. I have not been able to stop shivering since last nights cold spell, I am exhausted cause I can't get a good nights sleep. I am ready just to walk away from it all.
I understand why there may be more support programs available for women and children but shouldn't there be something out there for men. And how do support programs help if all they do is take people out of their community and warehouse them in the big city. This province has a large rural population and a lot of that population works in their local rural area. Do they have to abandon these jobs and regions just to access safety net programs?
Some things to think about I guess, but I am not much up to thinking right now. In fact I am struggling just to hold myself together at this point. Its going to be a very long six days.
I got up today (quite early cause it was bloody cold last night) with a sense of hope that I would come up with a housing solution today. Victim services told me the night my wife was arrested that there was a program that would help with a damage deposit, first months rent, and some furniture to get on my feet. After almost three hours at the Income Support office what I came away with was there really is no help available for me unless I want to move to Calgary (which would mean abandoning the job I have). Even the cousellor thought that would be a silly idea. That money that victim services said would be available for me is actually targeted at women and children, just like interim housing. I could make use of the homeless shelters but again that would mean being in Calgary every night at which point I wouldn't be able to afford to go back and forth to work reasonably.
This isn't being between a rock and a hard place - it's standing between two rocks that are simutaneously slamming into the sides of my head. If you can't already tell I am pretty pissed, and even more depressed. I have not been able to stop shivering since last nights cold spell, I am exhausted cause I can't get a good nights sleep. I am ready just to walk away from it all.
I understand why there may be more support programs available for women and children but shouldn't there be something out there for men. And how do support programs help if all they do is take people out of their community and warehouse them in the big city. This province has a large rural population and a lot of that population works in their local rural area. Do they have to abandon these jobs and regions just to access safety net programs?
Some things to think about I guess, but I am not much up to thinking right now. In fact I am struggling just to hold myself together at this point. Its going to be a very long six days.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Two Steps Forward .....
I really thought I was moving ahead yesterday, mentally anyways. Probably would have been an excellent day except that Cupid decided to kick me in the ass.
I made the mistake of parking near a group of restaurants and every couple I saw walk in for Valentines cut me like a knife. To top it off someone I worked with brought out a chest that I had been working on for months to remind me to bring it home. I have been working on this chest for months, handcut dovetail joints throughout, inlaid doors and drawer, hidden compartment, walnut with mahogany, and maple highlights. I had been planning on giving this to my wife (my ex I guess) for Valentines day for months. Probably put close to 60 hours worth of work into it (those handcut dovetails are a pain in the neck). Anyway it didn't leave the shop and that didn't take long for the gossip to get around the staff, the jokes started in the staff room at lunch today, so I don't imagine it will take long for the whole staff to know all the sordid details.
It seems I also have a six day long weekend starting thursday. Not what I needed mentally or physically. I guess I can use the extra time off for a job search, and to Anonymous who said he could find me something please email me direct and I will send along a resume.
Think I am going to try and connect up with social services and see if they can help with housing at all. I know they have said there is nothing they can do before, but there has to be some assistance out there. There are stories everyday in the news about how they are doing new things to get people off the street. It's suppose to get bitter cold here again with more snow. I don't think my body can deal with that cold anymore. Wish me luck.
I made the mistake of parking near a group of restaurants and every couple I saw walk in for Valentines cut me like a knife. To top it off someone I worked with brought out a chest that I had been working on for months to remind me to bring it home. I have been working on this chest for months, handcut dovetail joints throughout, inlaid doors and drawer, hidden compartment, walnut with mahogany, and maple highlights. I had been planning on giving this to my wife (my ex I guess) for Valentines day for months. Probably put close to 60 hours worth of work into it (those handcut dovetails are a pain in the neck). Anyway it didn't leave the shop and that didn't take long for the gossip to get around the staff, the jokes started in the staff room at lunch today, so I don't imagine it will take long for the whole staff to know all the sordid details.
It seems I also have a six day long weekend starting thursday. Not what I needed mentally or physically. I guess I can use the extra time off for a job search, and to Anonymous who said he could find me something please email me direct and I will send along a resume.
Think I am going to try and connect up with social services and see if they can help with housing at all. I know they have said there is nothing they can do before, but there has to be some assistance out there. There are stories everyday in the news about how they are doing new things to get people off the street. It's suppose to get bitter cold here again with more snow. I don't think my body can deal with that cold anymore. Wish me luck.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Moving Forward
The week-end is over and I am off to work shortly. All-in-all it wasn't a bad week-end. The weather in Calgary was rather nice so my fuel reserves are holding out (which means I will probably make it the next four days without totally missing a day of food). I was also able to get my laundry done and get a shower (thank you Anonymous for the truck stop suggestion). Because it was so warm I was also able to get a couple full nights of sleep which is good, except for the fact that I literally can't stand up in the morning because I am so stiff from being scrunched up all night (how the heck do people do that?).
Got a few resume's out as well, which I hope someone bites on. Even had a couple of interviews, unfortunately in both cases they wanted me to quit my part-time job and come and work full-time for them - for half the hourly wage!! I may be a little desperate but I am not stupid. Why would I give up the same weekly wage earned in half the hours at a job I love to work full-time for the same total income at another job? I even asked one of the managers that specific question and his reponse to me was "it makes better fiscal sense to work full-time." My next question should have been "what cracker jack box did you get your math degree from?". Don't think I'll miss not having that job.
I am reading with interest the comments being made on my Blog. I do know that that no-one deserves to be beaten for having a different opinion, but I also know i could have just walked away those times and not said anything about the horses. This was one of those impossible choices - don't say anything, let the problem persist, and keep peace in the family - or try and point out the problem and fix it but sacrifice the peace. The real unfortunate part of this is that, at some point the SPCA and the police will be involved again, and like last time they will come in hard and agressive dealing with the animal problem but never taking time to assess or adress the underlying problem. Kind of like tossing a homeless person in jail for stealing a bun to fill their belly. You know its going to happen again, or even get worse unless you deal with the underlying problem.
There is, I think, no way to help my wife unless she chooses to seek help herself. As for me, life goes on and I need to keep moving forward. I meet with someone whose interested in the car after work tomorrow. I am not totally anxious for it to be gone right away (it's not tenting weather yet), but it will be a major debt off my shoulders and let me get things more separate from my Ex. If it doesn't sell, anyone interested in an 06 Prius. Backseat is great for sleeping in as long as you are three and a half feet tall ;-)
Got a few resume's out as well, which I hope someone bites on. Even had a couple of interviews, unfortunately in both cases they wanted me to quit my part-time job and come and work full-time for them - for half the hourly wage!! I may be a little desperate but I am not stupid. Why would I give up the same weekly wage earned in half the hours at a job I love to work full-time for the same total income at another job? I even asked one of the managers that specific question and his reponse to me was "it makes better fiscal sense to work full-time." My next question should have been "what cracker jack box did you get your math degree from?". Don't think I'll miss not having that job.
I am reading with interest the comments being made on my Blog. I do know that that no-one deserves to be beaten for having a different opinion, but I also know i could have just walked away those times and not said anything about the horses. This was one of those impossible choices - don't say anything, let the problem persist, and keep peace in the family - or try and point out the problem and fix it but sacrifice the peace. The real unfortunate part of this is that, at some point the SPCA and the police will be involved again, and like last time they will come in hard and agressive dealing with the animal problem but never taking time to assess or adress the underlying problem. Kind of like tossing a homeless person in jail for stealing a bun to fill their belly. You know its going to happen again, or even get worse unless you deal with the underlying problem.
There is, I think, no way to help my wife unless she chooses to seek help herself. As for me, life goes on and I need to keep moving forward. I meet with someone whose interested in the car after work tomorrow. I am not totally anxious for it to be gone right away (it's not tenting weather yet), but it will be a major debt off my shoulders and let me get things more separate from my Ex. If it doesn't sell, anyone interested in an 06 Prius. Backseat is great for sleeping in as long as you are three and a half feet tall ;-)
Saturday, February 12, 2011
She Is Not A Horrible Person
I am a little suprised by some of the comments and emails I have been receiving. Let me be clear - My wife is not a horrible person, not a bitch, not a harpie, or any of those other things I will not repeat here. She is a very loving person who will give until it hurts and help anybody who needs it. I don't even know if she has an animal hoarding problem (I am not a psychologist so I can't make this diagnosis), I only know that her behaviours seem consistent with what I have read and others pointed that out before I recognized it.
Yes, she did beat the crap out of me (on a few occasions), and yes she was arrested and charged by the police for assault. The fact is I should have known better than to ever mention selling horses, thinning the herd, or taking horses with me. I probably deserved the beating.
Yes, she has left me out on the street eeking by on a shoestring budget, though I am better off than some as I at least have a car to sleep in and job to go to. (I know I would be really messed up if I had to get in one of those homeless shelters.) I am not even sure she is aware of how I am getting by and since she has the no-contact order she can't really check up on me. I would like to think that if she was aware of this she wouldn't leave the situation as it is (though returning home is not an option for me any longer).
Yes she has had problems with the SPCA regarding her horses (and has been charged and had animals seized) but she really does love her horses and is the most capable and talented horse person I know. She loves her animals and unfortunately she loves them more than me or the family. That is a choice she has made and I have no choice but to live with it. Nothing I can do will change that.
Yes if it had been the other way around I probably would have been locked up and villified and she would have had support out the ying-yang. That is not a problem she created, that is a problem society has created.
Does she have a problem? Well there is an obvious anger issue or the violence would never have occured. An "Animal Hoarding" problem. I suppose only a trained proffessional can make that call and that is not likely to happen because she would not subject herself to that analysis and no-one can make her. I only worry that she gets violently angry with someone else who tries to stand between her and her horses, and that her and the children suffer because of her choices with the horses.
So she is not the devil. She is just a person who know what she wants and is willing to sacrafice other things to have that. A real person with some issues of her own. This could describe any one of us. I know I have issues and I make choices as well. My priorities are just different. If all you can do is send me an email calling her vile names and telling me how to get even STOP. I don't need to nor do I want to hear it.
As for me, I am trying desperately to move on with my life. The good news is I have a couple people interested in buying the car. That would remove a large debt of our backs and free up the lien on on my motorbike which I can then sell and pay off othe debts (though the bike is the last thing in the world I want to part with). All I need now is for her to respond to an email and okay the sale (quickly I hope). I know this will leave me without a roof over my head but it is getting warm enough soon enough that a tent will provide me shelter and hold the few items of clothes I have.
I think I have lost track of which day this is, 11 or 12 I think, but life keeps moving on. As soon as my body is loosened up enough that I can actually move without wincing I am off to try and find another part time job. Wish me luck.
TWZKKMTBV54P
Yes, she did beat the crap out of me (on a few occasions), and yes she was arrested and charged by the police for assault. The fact is I should have known better than to ever mention selling horses, thinning the herd, or taking horses with me. I probably deserved the beating.
Yes, she has left me out on the street eeking by on a shoestring budget, though I am better off than some as I at least have a car to sleep in and job to go to. (I know I would be really messed up if I had to get in one of those homeless shelters.) I am not even sure she is aware of how I am getting by and since she has the no-contact order she can't really check up on me. I would like to think that if she was aware of this she wouldn't leave the situation as it is (though returning home is not an option for me any longer).
Yes she has had problems with the SPCA regarding her horses (and has been charged and had animals seized) but she really does love her horses and is the most capable and talented horse person I know. She loves her animals and unfortunately she loves them more than me or the family. That is a choice she has made and I have no choice but to live with it. Nothing I can do will change that.
Yes if it had been the other way around I probably would have been locked up and villified and she would have had support out the ying-yang. That is not a problem she created, that is a problem society has created.
Does she have a problem? Well there is an obvious anger issue or the violence would never have occured. An "Animal Hoarding" problem. I suppose only a trained proffessional can make that call and that is not likely to happen because she would not subject herself to that analysis and no-one can make her. I only worry that she gets violently angry with someone else who tries to stand between her and her horses, and that her and the children suffer because of her choices with the horses.
So she is not the devil. She is just a person who know what she wants and is willing to sacrafice other things to have that. A real person with some issues of her own. This could describe any one of us. I know I have issues and I make choices as well. My priorities are just different. If all you can do is send me an email calling her vile names and telling me how to get even STOP. I don't need to nor do I want to hear it.
As for me, I am trying desperately to move on with my life. The good news is I have a couple people interested in buying the car. That would remove a large debt of our backs and free up the lien on on my motorbike which I can then sell and pay off othe debts (though the bike is the last thing in the world I want to part with). All I need now is for her to respond to an email and okay the sale (quickly I hope). I know this will leave me without a roof over my head but it is getting warm enough soon enough that a tent will provide me shelter and hold the few items of clothes I have.
I think I have lost track of which day this is, 11 or 12 I think, but life keeps moving on. As soon as my body is loosened up enough that I can actually move without wincing I am off to try and find another part time job. Wish me luck.
TWZKKMTBV54P
Friday, February 11, 2011
Upsell Everything!!
One of the tasks on my list today was to open a new bank account, one the wife (I guess ex-wife now) does not have access to and where I can get first crack at my pay check. Not a big deal, right? Well you wouldn't think so anyways. I did the prep work online, decided on which bank I wanted to deal with and which account would best suit my banking. I even filled out the online form thinking that perhaps I wouldn't have to go through a bunch of crap at the bank itself. Boy was I wrong.
Turns out that to open a bank account TD expects you to arrange a meeting with one of their managers and sit down with them in their little cubicle for 40 minutes. What ever happened to walking up to the teller and saying I would like to open a bank account, here is my id. this is what I would like. That is how it used to be. You could be in and out in 5 minutes (well except for the lineup). Now they want to upsell you on all their financial products, and encourage you to increase your debt, and sell you insurance for that debt, and on and on and on. What a pile of crap! Real customer service would have been letting the teller I originally spoke to print off the forms and letting me open the account I want.
I must say the manager I got to deal with did not put on a huge push but that could be in part to the fact that I practically broke down to tears when I said I needed an account because my wife and I were separating. (Funny how saying the words out loud opens that floodgate of emotions.) At any rate, the last thing a beautiful young woman wants is a crotchety old man sitting across from her at her desk blubbering away so things moved along pretty quick after that.
My message to TD and whatever other banks are following this policy - drop it. Its a pain in the rear. If customers want to learn about your other products let them ask and arrange a meeting with you instead of forcing it down their throat. And why in the world have an online account application form if that information never gets to the bank and you just have to provide everything all over again? What a waste of my time.
The other thing I did today was break down and see a doctor. The pain is getting a little much to handle and the numbness is starting to get in the way. The doctor confirmed what I already knew, blood pressure sky high, shoulder needs that surgery to get better and to try and not sleep on it or put excessive pressure on it, the teeth need to see a dental surgeon, etc. I left with perscriptions for pain killers, anti-inflamatories, blood pressure, and anti-biotics. At least I have lots of paper to fill my glove compartment now because there isn't a chance in the world I am affording any of that stuff. It is unfortunately becoming clearer and clearer to me just how easy it is for a person to go from working and having a home so sleeping in a cardboard box and begging for change. I only hope I can put the brakes on it before it gets that far for me.
Just as an aside, I am really struggling not to show up at my wifes door and say I love you, I will do anything, just take me back. Or even pick up the phone and talk to her and the kids and tell them how much I love them, all, and miss them. It is a constant mental and spiritual battle within myself because while I do feel that way that hatred, and distrust for my wife that builds up in me with every cold night, every ache and pain, every lonely moment is simply overwhelming me. I only hope that thoses people who say they know who she is and will email her have done so. Not only because I want her to know just how miserable she has made my life, but I pray (and I don't do that much) that somehow she is motivated to talk to someone, maybe get assesses, and get treated if necessary for the rage and the animal hoarding.
It is going to be a long lonely weekend.
Turns out that to open a bank account TD expects you to arrange a meeting with one of their managers and sit down with them in their little cubicle for 40 minutes. What ever happened to walking up to the teller and saying I would like to open a bank account, here is my id. this is what I would like. That is how it used to be. You could be in and out in 5 minutes (well except for the lineup). Now they want to upsell you on all their financial products, and encourage you to increase your debt, and sell you insurance for that debt, and on and on and on. What a pile of crap! Real customer service would have been letting the teller I originally spoke to print off the forms and letting me open the account I want.
I must say the manager I got to deal with did not put on a huge push but that could be in part to the fact that I practically broke down to tears when I said I needed an account because my wife and I were separating. (Funny how saying the words out loud opens that floodgate of emotions.) At any rate, the last thing a beautiful young woman wants is a crotchety old man sitting across from her at her desk blubbering away so things moved along pretty quick after that.
My message to TD and whatever other banks are following this policy - drop it. Its a pain in the rear. If customers want to learn about your other products let them ask and arrange a meeting with you instead of forcing it down their throat. And why in the world have an online account application form if that information never gets to the bank and you just have to provide everything all over again? What a waste of my time.
The other thing I did today was break down and see a doctor. The pain is getting a little much to handle and the numbness is starting to get in the way. The doctor confirmed what I already knew, blood pressure sky high, shoulder needs that surgery to get better and to try and not sleep on it or put excessive pressure on it, the teeth need to see a dental surgeon, etc. I left with perscriptions for pain killers, anti-inflamatories, blood pressure, and anti-biotics. At least I have lots of paper to fill my glove compartment now because there isn't a chance in the world I am affording any of that stuff. It is unfortunately becoming clearer and clearer to me just how easy it is for a person to go from working and having a home so sleeping in a cardboard box and begging for change. I only hope I can put the brakes on it before it gets that far for me.
Just as an aside, I am really struggling not to show up at my wifes door and say I love you, I will do anything, just take me back. Or even pick up the phone and talk to her and the kids and tell them how much I love them, all, and miss them. It is a constant mental and spiritual battle within myself because while I do feel that way that hatred, and distrust for my wife that builds up in me with every cold night, every ache and pain, every lonely moment is simply overwhelming me. I only hope that thoses people who say they know who she is and will email her have done so. Not only because I want her to know just how miserable she has made my life, but I pray (and I don't do that much) that somehow she is motivated to talk to someone, maybe get assesses, and get treated if necessary for the rage and the animal hoarding.
It is going to be a long lonely weekend.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Too Much is Too Much
What does it say about a town when a small laundromat can not be a viable business in the town?
One thing I have come to realize, spending extended time in coffee shops, stretching out a coffee or tea for hours, and listening to the conversations around me, is that there are far more people in financial difficulty than one would realize. I can not tell you how many people I have heard talking about where their next mortgage or car payment is coming from and how work is slowing down, and on and on. The funny thing is that more often then not these same individuals go on to brag about their latest purchase (Iphone, LED TV,...) or what they plan to buy next, and when they leave they hop into the newest car in the parking lot.
It's sad really. One would think with all the economic disasters that have hit us, and the dour proclomations of politicians and economists, that people would exercise a little financial restraint. That does not seem to be the case. In fact this town I work in is jam packed with homes big enough to house a small army, golf course view mansions, and the businesses to support this lifestyle. Excess is prevalent everyhwere I look.
On the other side of the coin, my time sitting around has allowed me to observe people and there are many who are definitely not part of that lifestyle but you would never know it. Hence, no businesses like a laundromat, which it is hard not to make money on.
I think many of us live under the concept that "more is better." Acquiring more though also demands more. More time. More Money. More work. More stress.... Because there is essentially a balance to all life that "more" is often balanced out by less family time, less real joy, less relaxation and who know what else. Personally I think that more for one person also means less for another person somewhere down the line but people in are society or so disconnected with the people and community around them they don't see the affects of their lifestyle.
My new mantra "More is not better. Less is more."
As for my own personal balance, well I still haven't found it yet. On the plus side, it was warm enough last night and will be again tonight that I won't have to run the car to stay warm, so that saves a few dollars. The negative side is that sleeping in the cramped space in the car has left my shoulder almost completely useless and the stress of this situation has my right side almo completely numb. Mentally though I seem to be in a better place, though my heart still feels like it's been crushed by a herd of horses. Now if only I can find a laundromat!
One thing I have come to realize, spending extended time in coffee shops, stretching out a coffee or tea for hours, and listening to the conversations around me, is that there are far more people in financial difficulty than one would realize. I can not tell you how many people I have heard talking about where their next mortgage or car payment is coming from and how work is slowing down, and on and on. The funny thing is that more often then not these same individuals go on to brag about their latest purchase (Iphone, LED TV,...) or what they plan to buy next, and when they leave they hop into the newest car in the parking lot.
It's sad really. One would think with all the economic disasters that have hit us, and the dour proclomations of politicians and economists, that people would exercise a little financial restraint. That does not seem to be the case. In fact this town I work in is jam packed with homes big enough to house a small army, golf course view mansions, and the businesses to support this lifestyle. Excess is prevalent everyhwere I look.
On the other side of the coin, my time sitting around has allowed me to observe people and there are many who are definitely not part of that lifestyle but you would never know it. Hence, no businesses like a laundromat, which it is hard not to make money on.
I think many of us live under the concept that "more is better." Acquiring more though also demands more. More time. More Money. More work. More stress.... Because there is essentially a balance to all life that "more" is often balanced out by less family time, less real joy, less relaxation and who know what else. Personally I think that more for one person also means less for another person somewhere down the line but people in are society or so disconnected with the people and community around them they don't see the affects of their lifestyle.
My new mantra "More is not better. Less is more."
As for my own personal balance, well I still haven't found it yet. On the plus side, it was warm enough last night and will be again tonight that I won't have to run the car to stay warm, so that saves a few dollars. The negative side is that sleeping in the cramped space in the car has left my shoulder almost completely useless and the stress of this situation has my right side almo completely numb. Mentally though I seem to be in a better place, though my heart still feels like it's been crushed by a herd of horses. Now if only I can find a laundromat!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Revelations & Realizations
Maybe it's because I am tired (exhausted really) and sore, but today was a day of realizations and revelations, many of them hitting close to home.
The first realization is that things are likely to get worse before they get better and I am not looking forward to that. Hopefully winter ends soon.
The second realization was that I probably shouldn't have broked down and got those extras this weekend like the sweater and sleeping bag and headset to phone from my computer because i am likely going to run out of cash before I run out of days before payday. Oh well, I could stand to loose a few more pounds.
Realization number three - not much use in going to the doctors when I can't even feed myself properly or get proper shelter. Pain is just going to have to be a companion for now, but then it has been for a while so what's new.
On the good side, I realize that people from my home area of Sundre are realizing who I am (Cantankerous, as appropriate as it is, is not my real name). At least one of them has emailed me to say they would contact my wife about the horse situation. Personally, at this point, I wouldn't care if everybody in the area sent her an email or talked to her. Maybe at some point it would hit that the horse thing is a problem that needs to be dealt with.
Unfortunately this leads me to my last realization, that I will probably never get to spend any quality time with my wife and children again (since I was only a step parent). I am alone.
The first realization is that things are likely to get worse before they get better and I am not looking forward to that. Hopefully winter ends soon.
The second realization was that I probably shouldn't have broked down and got those extras this weekend like the sweater and sleeping bag and headset to phone from my computer because i am likely going to run out of cash before I run out of days before payday. Oh well, I could stand to loose a few more pounds.
Realization number three - not much use in going to the doctors when I can't even feed myself properly or get proper shelter. Pain is just going to have to be a companion for now, but then it has been for a while so what's new.
On the good side, I realize that people from my home area of Sundre are realizing who I am (Cantankerous, as appropriate as it is, is not my real name). At least one of them has emailed me to say they would contact my wife about the horse situation. Personally, at this point, I wouldn't care if everybody in the area sent her an email or talked to her. Maybe at some point it would hit that the horse thing is a problem that needs to be dealt with.
Unfortunately this leads me to my last realization, that I will probably never get to spend any quality time with my wife and children again (since I was only a step parent). I am alone.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Damn It's Cold!
I don't think I have been able to get the chill off my body in days and unfortunatley the weather isn't helping. Last night was so bloody cold I'd be lucky if I got more than a couple hours of sleep. I am completely exhuaseted today but since I went into the office (even though its my day off) I haven't slept at all. Hopefully I am tired enough that I can sleep no matter how cold it is tonight. I can't leave the car running anymore or I will definitely run out of much needed cash.
This is day eight and I think it is a good one mentally, despite the cold. I am going to have to at least see a doctor soon though because physically I am a (almost) walking disaster. I was able to get a few resumes out and I hold hope that I get a quick call back on one of those
As I type this I am sitting in a MacDonalds having a coffee (which isn't half bad). It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the teenagers here. When did it become necessary for the whole world to hear your sordid conversations and foul language? When did it become acceptable to sit on the serving counter? When did it become appropriate behaviour to spend time gossiping with your friends when you are working behind the counter while there is a line-up in front of the counter? I put serious consideration into walking up to one of the kids and slapping them hard enough that their mother would feel it. Now that would get me a warm room for the night, wouldn't it?
Ahhh, now there's the cantankerous old fart I've been missing! It's good to have him back.
This is day eight and I think it is a good one mentally, despite the cold. I am going to have to at least see a doctor soon though because physically I am a (almost) walking disaster. I was able to get a few resumes out and I hold hope that I get a quick call back on one of those
As I type this I am sitting in a MacDonalds having a coffee (which isn't half bad). It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the teenagers here. When did it become necessary for the whole world to hear your sordid conversations and foul language? When did it become acceptable to sit on the serving counter? When did it become appropriate behaviour to spend time gossiping with your friends when you are working behind the counter while there is a line-up in front of the counter? I put serious consideration into walking up to one of the kids and slapping them hard enough that their mother would feel it. Now that would get me a warm room for the night, wouldn't it?
Ahhh, now there's the cantankerous old fart I've been missing! It's good to have him back.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Day 7 And Holding
I truly enjoy my job. Not just because it occupies my mind and keeps me from dwelling on how miserable things are right now, but it is among the top few things I have ever worked at. The work that I am really passionate about has dried up due to the economy so thank God this job opened up. The only thing that could make it better is if it was full time. Oh well - I got a couple resumes out today and put the money out for a Skype number and a headset so I can use my netbook as a phone. Now let's just hope I get some call backs because I have a dreadful feeling I should have saved that money for fuel to stay warm.
I am fighting the urge to drive out and see my wife and children just to tell them how much I love them. I must admit I did email to see if she wanted to chat, unfortunately the only response I got was that the police and her lawyer have told her she can't because of her no-contact order. Fair enough I guess.
It is going to be a long night. Trying to stretch a tea as long as I can at Timmies so I can stay warm inside without burning my scarce gas. Using the time to do some research and blogging. Added a page on Animal Hoarding to the blog. I don't know if my wife is a hoarder as such but to me she sure fits that description.
And in case you think that I think I am totally innocent in all of this I DON'T. I know I can be a real asshole when I am stressed. I know I can be difficult to be around. I know that I am as stubborn as can be. Truth is I should have worked harder and longer to try and relieve more of the financial stress in the home and I should never have brought up the horses. It is no doubt my fault that I am where I am today.
But I am being asked to stop loitering now so out to the car I go.
I am fighting the urge to drive out and see my wife and children just to tell them how much I love them. I must admit I did email to see if she wanted to chat, unfortunately the only response I got was that the police and her lawyer have told her she can't because of her no-contact order. Fair enough I guess.
It is going to be a long night. Trying to stretch a tea as long as I can at Timmies so I can stay warm inside without burning my scarce gas. Using the time to do some research and blogging. Added a page on Animal Hoarding to the blog. I don't know if my wife is a hoarder as such but to me she sure fits that description.
And in case you think that I think I am totally innocent in all of this I DON'T. I know I can be a real asshole when I am stressed. I know I can be difficult to be around. I know that I am as stubborn as can be. Truth is I should have worked harder and longer to try and relieve more of the financial stress in the home and I should never have brought up the horses. It is no doubt my fault that I am where I am today.
But I am being asked to stop loitering now so out to the car I go.
Animal Hoarding
Thank you Anonymous.
After receiving your comment that described my wife as a Animal Hoarder I laughed (because I have told her on occasion she is the cat lady of horses), and then I used my all to availalble time to do some research. While I am not a shrink I think you may unfortunately be right.
I found a list of animal hoarder characteristics at AnimalSheltering.org. They were the following;
In my own opinion, which is obviously biased, I think this describes her to a T. The unfortunate thing is she is absolutely incredible in her skills of communicating and working with horses (there are none better in my opionion). Even more unfortunate is that I don't think there is anyone on earth that could convince her to even consider she may have this problem (at least not ending up bruised and beaten). I wish I knew what I could do to help her. I don't expect (or even desire) that it would do something to save our relationship, I just want to make sure her and her kids don't suffer because of it.
After receiving your comment that described my wife as a Animal Hoarder I laughed (because I have told her on occasion she is the cat lady of horses), and then I used my all to availalble time to do some research. While I am not a shrink I think you may unfortunately be right.
I found a list of animal hoarder characteristics at AnimalSheltering.org. They were the following;
- An apparent need to have many animals, and usually many inanimate objects as well (an addiction to clutter).
- Intelligence and communication skills, combined with a shrewd ability to attract sympathy for themselves, no matter how abused their animals may be.
- A stubborn refusal to part with any of their animals, be it through adoption of relatively healthy ones or euthanasia of sick ones (sometimes they even keep the dead animals).
- A clandestine lifestyle—there is often a stark contrast between the hoarder's public persona and his/her private life.
- A tendency to deny reality—they insist that ill animals are healthy; that those confined for long periods in small cages or kennels are comfortable; that overcrowding does not subject animals to severe stress and related diseases; etc.
- Recidivism—unless expert psychiatric help is obtained, hoarders almost invariably return to old ways, even if convicted of cruelty to animals.
In my own opinion, which is obviously biased, I think this describes her to a T. The unfortunate thing is she is absolutely incredible in her skills of communicating and working with horses (there are none better in my opionion). Even more unfortunate is that I don't think there is anyone on earth that could convince her to even consider she may have this problem (at least not ending up bruised and beaten). I wish I knew what I could do to help her. I don't expect (or even desire) that it would do something to save our relationship, I just want to make sure her and her kids don't suffer because of it.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Emotional Roller Coaster - Health Slide
So I think I am in some trouble. The emotional roller coaster I am on is to be expected. The constant swing from loving her to hating her to hating myself (which is probably a valid emotion) and back is to be expected. Combined with reduction in food intake and the crappy food that I am eating (it really is ceaper to buy crap food than good food), my lack of sleep, and my underlying health problems I am a bit messed up.
Not only can I not get warm no matter what I do (I even broke down and bought a sweater), I am seeing stars when I stand or bend and running out of breath walking across a parking lot - a sure sign that my blood pressure is back through the roof. Add to that the twitch in my right hand and I think I know what is coming next. The last time this happened I landed in the hospital and literally lost years of my life from my memory.
So what do I do? Can't really go to hospital and say hey - something is going to happen, can I. Don't have anyone to let know what is going on. Do I plan on waking up in the morning trying to figure why the hell I am sleeping in a car in some strange parking lot? Let's hope not, although forgetting this past week would be nice. I never realized I had this much anger and hatred inside me.
Of course nothing at all may happen (which would be a good thing I think). Just physically a mess until I can get things under control.
I heard a Japanese proverb earlier today. "Fall down seven times, stand up eight" It's a great proverb but how the hell do you stand up when your legs have been cut out from under you.
Not only can I not get warm no matter what I do (I even broke down and bought a sweater), I am seeing stars when I stand or bend and running out of breath walking across a parking lot - a sure sign that my blood pressure is back through the roof. Add to that the twitch in my right hand and I think I know what is coming next. The last time this happened I landed in the hospital and literally lost years of my life from my memory.
So what do I do? Can't really go to hospital and say hey - something is going to happen, can I. Don't have anyone to let know what is going on. Do I plan on waking up in the morning trying to figure why the hell I am sleeping in a car in some strange parking lot? Let's hope not, although forgetting this past week would be nice. I never realized I had this much anger and hatred inside me.
Of course nothing at all may happen (which would be a good thing I think). Just physically a mess until I can get things under control.
I heard a Japanese proverb earlier today. "Fall down seven times, stand up eight" It's a great proverb but how the hell do you stand up when your legs have been cut out from under you.
Contemplation
Day 6 - 1/2 way through the weekend (Thank God!)
The library made a nice place to stary warm yesterday but I was a little surprised at just how many loud conversations take place there. Makes it a little difficult to read. Spent the evening in a Chapters until they closed and then retired to my car for contemplation and another night of cold, restless sleep. The sleeping bag helped but not enough. As a result I am down to half a tank of gas. Guess I am going to have to make a decision - food in my belly or gas in the car to stay warm - SHIT!!!
My shoulder is in so much pain right now that my arm is almost non-functional. I find myself typing with one hand just so I don't have to move the shoulder. I can't find a way to sleep in the car without putting pressure on it.
How did I get here? Just when I thought my life was heading towards the success and joy I always wanted - an incredibly gorgeous and loving wife who I love(d?) more than life itself, marvelous children (even if they weren't my own), work that I enjoy, and more - I find myself starting from ground zero. Sure there were financial problems but they can be worked through if everyone puts their mind to it, can't they? One thing I am sure about now, more than ever is that credit is little more than a binding contract with the devil itself. If you can't pay for it in cash or physical work (bartering) you don't need it and you shouldn't have it. There are enough stresses on families these days without wondering just how far into the next paycheck you can stretch things. A house - maybe. It is a true investment in your future in most cases but I can't think of anything else that should be financed.
Could it be that I have just been doing too much thinking with my heart and not enough with my head? My wife would often accuse me off over thinking things and being too logical (which I have a propensity to do) but the truth is the choices and decisions I made were often in stark contrast to what my logic was telling me, because it kept people happy and there was less "discussion". Well the good news is that I don't think I have much of a heart left anymore (I am pretty sure mine would make the Grinch's look big) so I don't need to worry about that getting in the way, do I? I suppose I owe her a thank you for crushing what was left of it!
I need to move forward - I know it - and I know I will be doing it without my wife and family. So be it. There are only a couple of things I want as we go our separate ways, my motorbike and the computers with my stories and books on them. That's all. I know I said I wanted half the horses (and got the crap beat out of me for saying so) but I don't. What am I going to do with them? I would just be recreating the problem we are already in. My only concern is that leaving all those horses there will result in her ruining not only her own life, but her children's as well because of her obsession (which wouldn't be so bad if she could afford it. She has marvelous ideas and plans). Hopefully someone can get through to her.
I have the car up for sale so I can remove the lien from my bike (anyone want to buy a great car?) I have a contract that will take me to the end of June for work (good money but only part time). So what is next?
Short term I need to get my feet under me and shelter over me. If I can hold out this month I can probably get a little tent so I will not need the car anymore. I will try and find another part time job.
Long Term? Well now that I am no longer locked into living in that little area near Sundre (which my wife could just not bring herself to let us move away from) I am free to go where I please. My work and skills easily find me work so I am not overyly concerned about that. I know that Cape Breton tops my list at the moment, but then I may try to stay around here and see if I can get into the vet program at the University.
Longer Term - A nice piece of land on which I can build a small (affordable) house and support a small herd of Shire horses. But you can be guaranteed I won't be running up bills doing it. If I don't have the cash it won't happen! I will build a true craftsman's house from scratch. I can take my time and maybe live in a trailer while I build. The house won't have to be large at all - you don't need much room for one cantankerous old man and I sure as hell am not going to impose my miserable self into some other woman's life. I can not understand why so many of today's houses are so large, often mostly void of its residents most of the time. I have been in homes thousands of square feet with only a couple of people living in it (when they weren't travelling) and I remember my great grandmother living in a house barely 800 square feet with my uncle. That was cosy and comfortable, easy to maintain inside and out, and left them with not only the financial ability to spend time enjoying things outside the house and the great outdoors, but the necessity to get up of their arses and go outside and do something. How many families couldn't benefit from that.
Well there is apparantly a heavy snowfall warning for tonight and it is going to get colder. I still can't seem to get warm at all. But I need to head back to small town Alberta so I can be near work and find a place to park for the night.
The library made a nice place to stary warm yesterday but I was a little surprised at just how many loud conversations take place there. Makes it a little difficult to read. Spent the evening in a Chapters until they closed and then retired to my car for contemplation and another night of cold, restless sleep. The sleeping bag helped but not enough. As a result I am down to half a tank of gas. Guess I am going to have to make a decision - food in my belly or gas in the car to stay warm - SHIT!!!
My shoulder is in so much pain right now that my arm is almost non-functional. I find myself typing with one hand just so I don't have to move the shoulder. I can't find a way to sleep in the car without putting pressure on it.
How did I get here? Just when I thought my life was heading towards the success and joy I always wanted - an incredibly gorgeous and loving wife who I love(d?) more than life itself, marvelous children (even if they weren't my own), work that I enjoy, and more - I find myself starting from ground zero. Sure there were financial problems but they can be worked through if everyone puts their mind to it, can't they? One thing I am sure about now, more than ever is that credit is little more than a binding contract with the devil itself. If you can't pay for it in cash or physical work (bartering) you don't need it and you shouldn't have it. There are enough stresses on families these days without wondering just how far into the next paycheck you can stretch things. A house - maybe. It is a true investment in your future in most cases but I can't think of anything else that should be financed.
Could it be that I have just been doing too much thinking with my heart and not enough with my head? My wife would often accuse me off over thinking things and being too logical (which I have a propensity to do) but the truth is the choices and decisions I made were often in stark contrast to what my logic was telling me, because it kept people happy and there was less "discussion". Well the good news is that I don't think I have much of a heart left anymore (I am pretty sure mine would make the Grinch's look big) so I don't need to worry about that getting in the way, do I? I suppose I owe her a thank you for crushing what was left of it!
I need to move forward - I know it - and I know I will be doing it without my wife and family. So be it. There are only a couple of things I want as we go our separate ways, my motorbike and the computers with my stories and books on them. That's all. I know I said I wanted half the horses (and got the crap beat out of me for saying so) but I don't. What am I going to do with them? I would just be recreating the problem we are already in. My only concern is that leaving all those horses there will result in her ruining not only her own life, but her children's as well because of her obsession (which wouldn't be so bad if she could afford it. She has marvelous ideas and plans). Hopefully someone can get through to her.
I have the car up for sale so I can remove the lien from my bike (anyone want to buy a great car?) I have a contract that will take me to the end of June for work (good money but only part time). So what is next?
Short term I need to get my feet under me and shelter over me. If I can hold out this month I can probably get a little tent so I will not need the car anymore. I will try and find another part time job.
Long Term? Well now that I am no longer locked into living in that little area near Sundre (which my wife could just not bring herself to let us move away from) I am free to go where I please. My work and skills easily find me work so I am not overyly concerned about that. I know that Cape Breton tops my list at the moment, but then I may try to stay around here and see if I can get into the vet program at the University.
Longer Term - A nice piece of land on which I can build a small (affordable) house and support a small herd of Shire horses. But you can be guaranteed I won't be running up bills doing it. If I don't have the cash it won't happen! I will build a true craftsman's house from scratch. I can take my time and maybe live in a trailer while I build. The house won't have to be large at all - you don't need much room for one cantankerous old man and I sure as hell am not going to impose my miserable self into some other woman's life. I can not understand why so many of today's houses are so large, often mostly void of its residents most of the time. I have been in homes thousands of square feet with only a couple of people living in it (when they weren't travelling) and I remember my great grandmother living in a house barely 800 square feet with my uncle. That was cosy and comfortable, easy to maintain inside and out, and left them with not only the financial ability to spend time enjoying things outside the house and the great outdoors, but the necessity to get up of their arses and go outside and do something. How many families couldn't benefit from that.
Well there is apparantly a heavy snowfall warning for tonight and it is going to get colder. I still can't seem to get warm at all. But I need to head back to small town Alberta so I can be near work and find a place to park for the night.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
The Cold Is Setting In Again.
Calgary was reasonably warm last night and today but I can't seem to get warm. Now the snow is falling and the temperature is dropping again. I did stop by Value Village and pick up a sleeping bag so hopefully I can stay a little warmer at night. I also picked up a headset for the computer so I can use skype as a phone. Not money I wanted to spend or could even afford but I need to stay warm and I can't call about jobs or anything else if I can't phone.
I never use to be this bad with the cold but last winter (or was it the winter before) I ended up with frostbite on my feet and hands and I have never been the same with cold since. I may not remember the date clearly but I do remember how it happened.
My wife and I were driving home from a friends and we were having a discussion (about horses). At some point she got so mad she pulled over because I would not argue with her any more. There was no safe alternative - argue my point and let her get violent or get out. I got out.
4 hours later, on the coldest winter night of the year with a light jacket and no hat or gloves I arrived home (we live in a rural area and there was no traffic). It was a long walk and I remember at one point just wanting to lie down in a snow bank and say to hell with it all. Maybe I should have.
When I got home I was told the frostbite was my own fault - that I shouldn't have got out of the vehicle. I suppose it was my own fault but I didn't want the violence. What should I have done?
I love this woman so much but seem to do nothing but tick her off. Why is it that I still desperately want to be with her? Why is it that everyday I don't hear her voice I feel like my soul has been yanked out just a little further? Why is it I just want to help her get through this and make sure she is safe and well?
I realize the relationship is probably over - there is little I can do about it now I assume. I asked the officer who arrested her whether or not other couples who had gone through this were able to work through this. He told me there is more and more occuring in these financially stressful times and some work through it and some don't. I am guessing since she won't or can't talk to me that we won't. How can we if we can't communicate? But then maybe we couldn't communicate anyways.
At this point it probably doesn't really matter does it. If I can get her the car so she can get around with the kids, then I can go and not be a concern to her anymore. I am thinking at this point that might be the best plan.
I know there are those that say I am grieving excessively, perhaps even dangerously for something that is not worth it - but it was worth it to me - every moment. The sad thing is, other than having the car she probably won't even realize I am gone.
I never use to be this bad with the cold but last winter (or was it the winter before) I ended up with frostbite on my feet and hands and I have never been the same with cold since. I may not remember the date clearly but I do remember how it happened.
My wife and I were driving home from a friends and we were having a discussion (about horses). At some point she got so mad she pulled over because I would not argue with her any more. There was no safe alternative - argue my point and let her get violent or get out. I got out.
4 hours later, on the coldest winter night of the year with a light jacket and no hat or gloves I arrived home (we live in a rural area and there was no traffic). It was a long walk and I remember at one point just wanting to lie down in a snow bank and say to hell with it all. Maybe I should have.
When I got home I was told the frostbite was my own fault - that I shouldn't have got out of the vehicle. I suppose it was my own fault but I didn't want the violence. What should I have done?
I love this woman so much but seem to do nothing but tick her off. Why is it that I still desperately want to be with her? Why is it that everyday I don't hear her voice I feel like my soul has been yanked out just a little further? Why is it I just want to help her get through this and make sure she is safe and well?
I realize the relationship is probably over - there is little I can do about it now I assume. I asked the officer who arrested her whether or not other couples who had gone through this were able to work through this. He told me there is more and more occuring in these financially stressful times and some work through it and some don't. I am guessing since she won't or can't talk to me that we won't. How can we if we can't communicate? But then maybe we couldn't communicate anyways.
At this point it probably doesn't really matter does it. If I can get her the car so she can get around with the kids, then I can go and not be a concern to her anymore. I am thinking at this point that might be the best plan.
I know there are those that say I am grieving excessively, perhaps even dangerously for something that is not worth it - but it was worth it to me - every moment. The sad thing is, other than having the car she probably won't even realize I am gone.
Why I Hate People!!!
As I mentioned in my last post, I talked with some total stranger in the coffee shop last night and pretty much completely broke down. Well it now seems that while I went to the washroom to collect my emotions this nosey bastard had a look at my computer and what I was doing and felt a need to inform the world that he was "worried about me." and now I am getting stupid emails from people I don't know saying "don't kill yourself." and "I love you" and crap like that.
What the hell!!! If he really thought I was a hazard to myself he should have called the cops intstead of surreptitiously sabotaging my life even more.
Of course it is my fault. i can't believe I actually left my computer at the table. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I am just lucky I still have it. Luckily I don't have contact information for anyone on this computer because I have no doubt the jerk would have tried to email everyone in my address book.
Well at least he justified my dislike of people.
What the hell!!! If he really thought I was a hazard to myself he should have called the cops intstead of surreptitiously sabotaging my life even more.
Of course it is my fault. i can't believe I actually left my computer at the table. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I am just lucky I still have it. Luckily I don't have contact information for anyone on this computer because I have no doubt the jerk would have tried to email everyone in my address book.
Well at least he justified my dislike of people.
Friends
Day 5 - God I hurt. A six foot body can not sleep comfortably in a four foot wide car. And the cold doesn't help. Not that it was really cold last night but I think I am going to have to invest some money in some blankets or sleeping bag.
Aside from the pain, being in the big city on a Friday night revealed something to me about my own life. Everyone one I saw last night seemed to be with someone else - with friends.
Now I have never been a socialite by any stretch of the imagaination. Everything I did was with people I work with or my wife and family. It is not that we have not had friends over the past six years but unfortunately almost every single one has been alienated because of our horses. If we don't owe them money for pasture than we have placed demands on them to help move horses.
It may sound like I hate horses - I don't. I absolutely love horses. My dream has always been to have a sprawling horse ranch. That has not changed but it has to be done right. What I do hate - what I am bitter about is being placed second to a bunch of horses.
I did send off an email yesterday to my wife just checking in to make sure she was okay. I know she has a no-contact order but I was worried about her and the kids. She never did respond.
No work to go to today, no workplace to go to today (I hung out there on my days off this week). That leaves me alone with nothing to do. Just me and my thoughts. Not to sure that's a good thing as my thoughts are not good. I actually broke down talking to some stranger in a coffee shop yesterday. Just can't seem to hold it together. Probably better that I don't have friends because I am sure they would just get tired of hearning all my problems right now. Besides if nobody knows you than nobody misses you.
Aside from the pain, being in the big city on a Friday night revealed something to me about my own life. Everyone one I saw last night seemed to be with someone else - with friends.
Now I have never been a socialite by any stretch of the imagaination. Everything I did was with people I work with or my wife and family. It is not that we have not had friends over the past six years but unfortunately almost every single one has been alienated because of our horses. If we don't owe them money for pasture than we have placed demands on them to help move horses.
It may sound like I hate horses - I don't. I absolutely love horses. My dream has always been to have a sprawling horse ranch. That has not changed but it has to be done right. What I do hate - what I am bitter about is being placed second to a bunch of horses.
I did send off an email yesterday to my wife just checking in to make sure she was okay. I know she has a no-contact order but I was worried about her and the kids. She never did respond.
No work to go to today, no workplace to go to today (I hung out there on my days off this week). That leaves me alone with nothing to do. Just me and my thoughts. Not to sure that's a good thing as my thoughts are not good. I actually broke down talking to some stranger in a coffee shop yesterday. Just can't seem to hold it together. Probably better that I don't have friends because I am sure they would just get tired of hearning all my problems right now. Besides if nobody knows you than nobody misses you.
Friday, February 4, 2011
The Pain Sets In
The work day is over and for the first time in years I went out for a couple of drinks with other staff members. It was nice, distracting, but when they left I returned to my car, sat down, and cried. The week end is here and I find myself with nowhere to go, nothing to occupy my time, and no-one to be with. The lonliness is utterly overwhelming and to top it off all the stress and all the pain is setting in. At this point I am not so sure I even want to make it through this weekend. I find myself now with no family, no friends, no real purpose, and no love. I truly think that if I were to just disappear no-one would know the difference or really care.
Anger however is overwhelming my thoughts at this moment - mostly at myself for setting aside my own health and welfare over the past couple of years in an effort to save the family money and keep income coming in. It is probably the lack of food, and sleeping in the cold, cramped car that is aggravating pre-existing problems but I find myself in unbearable pain.
Over a year ago I had an accident that caused major problems with my shoulder, problems that require surgery to repair. Adding to this I have a breathing and blood pressure problem that complicates other aspects of my life. I was scheduled for the surgery but in order to get the surgery done I first needed to be on the CPAP machine I was perscribed. I could not afford the CPAP machine with out adversely affecting the family finances so I did not get the surgery. Add to this pain the fact that my teeth are litteraly falling out in pieces and I can't eat without being in pain - well I am not a happy man. I am an angry, bitter man. I denied myself my health (so surgery, no CPAP machine, no meds, no dentist) so my family could have more. I got up and worked every day in pain so my family did not have to suffer. All for nothing because in the end I don't have a wife and family that give a shit as I sit in this car contemplating another freezing night and trying to plan out how my money will carry me through the next couple of weeks, or if I should even try to get through the next couple of weeks. What really pisses me off is that a herd of horses has put me where I am now and that I rank lower in my lover's heart and mind than those horses.
I think I might be loosing it at the moment.
I am off to Calgary at the moment (the closest big city). It should be easier to sleep in my car less conspicously than in the small town I have been hanging out in. Maybe I can find a way to get a shower as well. Or maybe I can just head west and drive off the side of a mountain and disappear.
Anger however is overwhelming my thoughts at this moment - mostly at myself for setting aside my own health and welfare over the past couple of years in an effort to save the family money and keep income coming in. It is probably the lack of food, and sleeping in the cold, cramped car that is aggravating pre-existing problems but I find myself in unbearable pain.
Over a year ago I had an accident that caused major problems with my shoulder, problems that require surgery to repair. Adding to this I have a breathing and blood pressure problem that complicates other aspects of my life. I was scheduled for the surgery but in order to get the surgery done I first needed to be on the CPAP machine I was perscribed. I could not afford the CPAP machine with out adversely affecting the family finances so I did not get the surgery. Add to this pain the fact that my teeth are litteraly falling out in pieces and I can't eat without being in pain - well I am not a happy man. I am an angry, bitter man. I denied myself my health (so surgery, no CPAP machine, no meds, no dentist) so my family could have more. I got up and worked every day in pain so my family did not have to suffer. All for nothing because in the end I don't have a wife and family that give a shit as I sit in this car contemplating another freezing night and trying to plan out how my money will carry me through the next couple of weeks, or if I should even try to get through the next couple of weeks. What really pisses me off is that a herd of horses has put me where I am now and that I rank lower in my lover's heart and mind than those horses.
I think I might be loosing it at the moment.
I am off to Calgary at the moment (the closest big city). It should be easier to sleep in my car less conspicously than in the small town I have been hanging out in. Maybe I can find a way to get a shower as well. Or maybe I can just head west and drive off the side of a mountain and disappear.
What to do? What to do?
Day 4 - It is just after 6 in the morning and I finally have some food in my belly. I had to wait until just after 5 for my paycheck to be available through the bank machine and unfortunately the bank did take out their payments first (which ticks me right off btw. I pay to do my banking with them, and yes I have a loan that must be paid back to them but why does the fact that they have my money give them the right to decide they should get paid first - before anyone or anything else. I should have the ability to decide when to release money to them just like I would for any other bill. I know for the future I will have my paycheck deposited into a separate bank from one I get any loans or business through.)
So I am heading into the next couple of weeks with a couple hundred dollars in my pocket. Better than some but it is not going to get a roof over my head. I filled the gas tank so I can continue to work (there are no busses where I am) and so I can keep warm at night. I am thinking about putting some money on a prepaid credit card so I can get a Skype account. I need to be able to phone somehow. I can't even call the help line number I was given because I have no phone and the number is restricted from my work phone (unless I make the call from the main office at which point my life and problems will become everyones business).
It is easy to see just how easy a person can become homeless. For whatever reason a person looses the roof over their head, by choice or not, even with a job if they have no savings than their income is spent eating and trying to just stay warm and sheltered somehow. There is no chance to even save some money to put aside to get into a new home of any sort. I am blessed that I have the car (for now) but I fear it is a quick downhill trip. I have alreaedy had to put the car up for sale (thank you Kijiji) because it is one of those debts we are going to have to split or eliminate as we separate.
About that separation, it became obvious to me this morning that, despite how much I love that woman, that love is quickly being buried as an overwhelming hatred builds in me. Everytime my stomach growls it grows. Everytime I find myself freezing with no place warm to go it grows. Every time I stop to examine and analyze my situation it grows. I fear that this hatred may just consume me, if the grief and sadness doesn't do it first.
So I am heading into the next couple of weeks with a couple hundred dollars in my pocket. Better than some but it is not going to get a roof over my head. I filled the gas tank so I can continue to work (there are no busses where I am) and so I can keep warm at night. I am thinking about putting some money on a prepaid credit card so I can get a Skype account. I need to be able to phone somehow. I can't even call the help line number I was given because I have no phone and the number is restricted from my work phone (unless I make the call from the main office at which point my life and problems will become everyones business).
It is easy to see just how easy a person can become homeless. For whatever reason a person looses the roof over their head, by choice or not, even with a job if they have no savings than their income is spent eating and trying to just stay warm and sheltered somehow. There is no chance to even save some money to put aside to get into a new home of any sort. I am blessed that I have the car (for now) but I fear it is a quick downhill trip. I have alreaedy had to put the car up for sale (thank you Kijiji) because it is one of those debts we are going to have to split or eliminate as we separate.
About that separation, it became obvious to me this morning that, despite how much I love that woman, that love is quickly being buried as an overwhelming hatred builds in me. Everytime my stomach growls it grows. Everytime I find myself freezing with no place warm to go it grows. Every time I stop to examine and analyze my situation it grows. I fear that this hatred may just consume me, if the grief and sadness doesn't do it first.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The First Day.
''Today is the first day of the rest of your life."
How often have you heard that tripe, usually from some bubbly optimist trying to randomly toss a little bit of positive energy into others lives. I heard it today and all it served to do was add to that that energy within me, the negative energy, which took even greater energy to contain within me, created an even greater negative affect.
Sure, today is the first day of the rest of your life, but the rest of your life might only be 5 minutes, or it might be 50 years of hell. Yahoo!
I am, without a doubt, in a foul mood. You see the first day of the rest of my life was a few days ago, and it came totally unexpected, and it sure as hell wasn't the start I would have chosen. As I come up on day 4 I sit in my car, in which I have been living for three days, freezing my ass off because I need to conserve every last bit of fuel, with a completely empty stomach (well two days empty anyways), and not a cent to my name at this moment.
Perhaps I should back up a little.
I have been living with the most incredible woman and her three children for almost 6 years now. I loved her deeply, more than any other from my past. I was confident that this was going to be the woman I was going to be with until my dying day. Sure we had our problems, but then what couple does not. These problems were more often than not complicated, if not triggered by financial stresses (which came first the empty bank account or the problem you are currently arguing about?) but I was sure we would make it through the tough times - unfortunately she was not. The result was the inevitable "I think I need to be alone for a while."
I was hurt, shattered really, and tried everything to convince her we could make it through, and offered to do whatever I needed to make things work (pretty pitiful, eh). As we talked it became evident that her biggest problem was that she could not talk talk to me about her horses and that she didn't have my full support with them. She was right. We (or she) has more than 30 horses. Perhaps not so bad if you have a place to keep them, the finances to support them, the equipment to care for them, and the time to enjoy them. WE DID NOT! Over the past six years we have run up bills for pasture and feed and vets as she desperately tries to find pastures to rent and move the horses to since our rented 3 acres will not support the herd. We have alienated virtually all our friends and family because of problems with the horses. All this why we are struggling to pay for the roof over our family's head, and keep food on the table and the lights on.
Doesn't make much sense, does it? Well it doesn't to me anyways. I can understanding keeping some of the horses, but all of them? Unfortunately bringing up this concept to my wife has resulted in blind raging violence in the past. The last time I saw the rage coming I stopped and said "fine, you won't discuss this than don't discuss the horses at all with me and do not ask for my help with the horses." (I had come to the personal conclusion that continueing to support her with the horses was like handing a drink to an alcholic).
Unfortunately that did not avert the violent rage. I almost left at that point but she agreed to get some anger management counselling. I think she did. But you can see now why she felt that there was a part of her life she could not share with me and did not have my support in.
While we were discussing an impending separation a few nights ago I made the mistake of saying that I was taking my half of the horses with me. NOT SMART! The result was me stumbling out the front door bloodied and bruised, shirtless and shoeless, trying to make it to the car so I could get away. I made it and headed for the police station (probably what I should have done the first time she was like this). When I got to the police station she had already called them to tell them she had beat me and I was probably on my way to the hospital. (A bit of a shock to the police that the person who did the beating in a domestic violence situation called to say so before they heard from the victim. She really is not a bad person.)
After being treated at the hospital for a broken nose and scratches and bruises, victim services put me up in hotel for the night (at least what was left of it) and we have now begun our separation, enforced by the police no contact order given to my wife.
I left the hotel with $20 in my pocket, a few clothes retrieved for me from the house, and my netbook (which I am using to put these thoughts online) nothing else. No cell phone. No money I can access anywhere. No place to go to. And no friends or family that I can look to for help. I put most of the money into fuel so I could get to work (which was in another town an hour away) and so began my new reality. That fuel in the car is still holding out (as I eek it out trying to warm up the car now and then during the night), I have not had any food in two days. And you really don't get much sleep in a car parked in Tim Horton's parking lot.
As I type this I am waiting for the date to change at the bank so I can access my paycheck. There probably won't be much left was the bank takes out their payments, but every little bit counts right now. It's not going to get a roof over my head but it will put some food in my belly and gas in the tank while I try and figure out the next step.
Before I end this for today let me be clear. My wife is not a monster and I am not without fault in this. I am afterall the cantankerous, crotchety old fart I claim to be.
There is something else. There is nothing in my mind that can be more demeaning than being a man having to go to the police saying "my wife beat the crap out of me." The professionals in the RCMP and victims services get nothing but kudos from me for the way they handled this. Thank you.
How often have you heard that tripe, usually from some bubbly optimist trying to randomly toss a little bit of positive energy into others lives. I heard it today and all it served to do was add to that that energy within me, the negative energy, which took even greater energy to contain within me, created an even greater negative affect.
Sure, today is the first day of the rest of your life, but the rest of your life might only be 5 minutes, or it might be 50 years of hell. Yahoo!
I am, without a doubt, in a foul mood. You see the first day of the rest of my life was a few days ago, and it came totally unexpected, and it sure as hell wasn't the start I would have chosen. As I come up on day 4 I sit in my car, in which I have been living for three days, freezing my ass off because I need to conserve every last bit of fuel, with a completely empty stomach (well two days empty anyways), and not a cent to my name at this moment.
Perhaps I should back up a little.
I have been living with the most incredible woman and her three children for almost 6 years now. I loved her deeply, more than any other from my past. I was confident that this was going to be the woman I was going to be with until my dying day. Sure we had our problems, but then what couple does not. These problems were more often than not complicated, if not triggered by financial stresses (which came first the empty bank account or the problem you are currently arguing about?) but I was sure we would make it through the tough times - unfortunately she was not. The result was the inevitable "I think I need to be alone for a while."
I was hurt, shattered really, and tried everything to convince her we could make it through, and offered to do whatever I needed to make things work (pretty pitiful, eh). As we talked it became evident that her biggest problem was that she could not talk talk to me about her horses and that she didn't have my full support with them. She was right. We (or she) has more than 30 horses. Perhaps not so bad if you have a place to keep them, the finances to support them, the equipment to care for them, and the time to enjoy them. WE DID NOT! Over the past six years we have run up bills for pasture and feed and vets as she desperately tries to find pastures to rent and move the horses to since our rented 3 acres will not support the herd. We have alienated virtually all our friends and family because of problems with the horses. All this why we are struggling to pay for the roof over our family's head, and keep food on the table and the lights on.
Doesn't make much sense, does it? Well it doesn't to me anyways. I can understanding keeping some of the horses, but all of them? Unfortunately bringing up this concept to my wife has resulted in blind raging violence in the past. The last time I saw the rage coming I stopped and said "fine, you won't discuss this than don't discuss the horses at all with me and do not ask for my help with the horses." (I had come to the personal conclusion that continueing to support her with the horses was like handing a drink to an alcholic).
Unfortunately that did not avert the violent rage. I almost left at that point but she agreed to get some anger management counselling. I think she did. But you can see now why she felt that there was a part of her life she could not share with me and did not have my support in.
While we were discussing an impending separation a few nights ago I made the mistake of saying that I was taking my half of the horses with me. NOT SMART! The result was me stumbling out the front door bloodied and bruised, shirtless and shoeless, trying to make it to the car so I could get away. I made it and headed for the police station (probably what I should have done the first time she was like this). When I got to the police station she had already called them to tell them she had beat me and I was probably on my way to the hospital. (A bit of a shock to the police that the person who did the beating in a domestic violence situation called to say so before they heard from the victim. She really is not a bad person.)
After being treated at the hospital for a broken nose and scratches and bruises, victim services put me up in hotel for the night (at least what was left of it) and we have now begun our separation, enforced by the police no contact order given to my wife.
I left the hotel with $20 in my pocket, a few clothes retrieved for me from the house, and my netbook (which I am using to put these thoughts online) nothing else. No cell phone. No money I can access anywhere. No place to go to. And no friends or family that I can look to for help. I put most of the money into fuel so I could get to work (which was in another town an hour away) and so began my new reality. That fuel in the car is still holding out (as I eek it out trying to warm up the car now and then during the night), I have not had any food in two days. And you really don't get much sleep in a car parked in Tim Horton's parking lot.
As I type this I am waiting for the date to change at the bank so I can access my paycheck. There probably won't be much left was the bank takes out their payments, but every little bit counts right now. It's not going to get a roof over my head but it will put some food in my belly and gas in the tank while I try and figure out the next step.
Before I end this for today let me be clear. My wife is not a monster and I am not without fault in this. I am afterall the cantankerous, crotchety old fart I claim to be.
There is something else. There is nothing in my mind that can be more demeaning than being a man having to go to the police saying "my wife beat the crap out of me." The professionals in the RCMP and victims services get nothing but kudos from me for the way they handled this. Thank you.
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