The Year Ahead

  As this Christmas moves into our rear view mirrors it becomes a time of reflection and planning for many, the preparations to enter the new year with a plan of action. I find myself with a lot to reflect after a whirlwind (or perhaps tornado would be the more appropriate descriptor) year, and some exciting plans. It was almost a year ago that this blog started as my thought process after finding myself on the streets, with virtually nothing. The blog was a bitter, sad, angry compilation when it started. It has progressed over the year to something more, which thankfully many seem to enjoy.
I hope that this blog always encourages its readers to think about others, and helps those in tough places to find some small bit of hope. I hope it encourages some comtemplation and deliberation. I hope it reveals some perspectives on life and the people around us that may not be so obvious to everyone. There are those individuals who take from others and take no concern in destroying the lives of others in pursuit of their own goals. Whatever their reasons or motivations, I can't help but feel a little sorry for these people because I don't think they can ever really be happy.

One of the things I would like to do with this blog is introduce you to others who have come from tough places and situations and are working to overcome their challenges. I am looking for suggestions from my readers on individuals whose stories would be of interest to others. In keeping with the theme of this website, if these individuals ride a motorbike it would be fantastic. I am looking for people who live within a days bike ride from Calgary so I can ride out on the motorbike, sit down and have a coffee and conversation, maybe go for a ride, then head back home and share this person's stories with my readers here and at Motorbike Zen.

In the next year I will be returning to some of the work that I truly love. My blacksmithing and horseshoeing. After the year long hiatus Steppin' On the FrogFarrier Service will be starting back up. I will be starting to take on new clients in late February and March and am pretty excited about returning to horses in this capacity. I will also be retooling my shop and taking on more blacksmithing projects as Akasha Forge &Foundry.

Of course I will be eagerly awaiting the arrival of bike riding weather so I can return to the open roads and enjoy the wind rushing past me, my partner holding on tight to my waist as we lean into the corners.

I look forward to a good year ahead and I hope all of you have a good year as well.

The Spirit of Christmas

“It's the most wonderful time of the year” or so the song tells us. Unfortunately for many that is not the reality of Christmas. Christmas time is in fact one of the most depressing and stressful times of the year.

Now if you are a biker like me it is a depressing and stressful time of year because are rides are closed up and covered up in some garage or shed just waiting for the sun to shed enough warmth on our part of the world to allow us to ride the blacktop again. It is not just bikers that don't like this time of year though, but individuals from all walks of life.

Personally I find Christmas a challenging, difficult, and frustrating time of year. Frustrating because, unlike the song says, I find Christmas to be the most hypocritical time of the year. Everyone get's into the “Christmas spirit” as Christmas approaches, loving and giving and helping other people and a variety of causes. They give, and help and support – until Christmas is over – and then they forget that joy and peace, the people and causes, and retreat into their own selfish little worlds for another 11 1/2 months. Of course many retreat into those worlds because they are busy dealing with the excesses of the Christmas season. After-all it is no longer the thought behind the gift that counts, but the value and size and whether or not it keeps up with the neighbours.

Hard times can fall on any of us at any time. Many fail to realize that. I failed to the true reality of that up until the last year, and were it not for the loving and caring of people who truly carry the spirit of Christmas in their hearts year round I could easily be having my Christmas at least alone, if not worse. My best Christmas gifts this year are the ability to spend it with people I love and care for, and who feel the same about me; time I get to spend with family (though there are family and friends I wish I could just reach out and tell them how much I love them); the fact I have a roof over my head; and a job I truly love.

The fact that this Christmas season in Calgary is warm enough to get my bike out for a ride is a bonus.

I truly hesitate to wish anyone a merry Christmas – but I will wish for all that they keep the spirit of Christmas in their hearts year round and with everyone you deal with. May the spirit of Christmas haunt you through each and every day of your life.

Perfect . . . .

   Perfect storm. Perfect day. Perfect ride. They are all different but the same, a situation created by a rare combination or concurrence of factors the alter a situation dramatically. In the case of a perfect storm that combination of factors that all too often results in devastation and destruction. That combinations of factors can result in a hurricane, a tornado, or in our own personal realities, the destruction of our lives and personal realities.

    A perfect day is very similar to a perfect ride, something every biker seeks on each ride out. It is the combination or weather, road conditions, traffic levels, scenery, companions and friends, starting and ending locations, food, drink, and so much more. It is a unique combination that you know you could never have planned, or even dreamed up on your own. A concurrence that you will never be able to duplicate no matter how hard you try, and if even if you could, it will not be perfect the next time because timing is everything.

   The nice thing about a perfect ride is that you can have more than one. It is never the same ride, but given time and patience another perfect ride will inevitably come your way.

   Life does not often throw a perfect situation your way. Life is in fact all about imperfections and the challenges in dealing with them. It is hard to imagine people, who in their very nature are about as imperfect as you can get, getting together to create a perfect situation. Even if they could you just know that someone involved is going to rethink that perfect process - and spoil it.

   We are often encouraged to “go with the flow” as we live out our daily lives, to not push against prevailing behaviour, norms and attitudes. While going with the flow can be a key part of that perfect experience we often fail to realize that truly being part of that perfect experience may mean stepping outside of those accepted norms. It takes real courage to do this. Jim Hightower said that “The opposite for courage is not cowardice, it is conformity. Even a dead fish can go with the flow.”

   I recently came across one of those situations. Had I gone with the flow I would have missed out on a “perfect storm” that would change my personal reality. A confluence of factors that, if I let my logical mind get in the way, would have passed before I knew it. Instead I chose to experience and encourage this confluence of factors – the result – a ride (through life) that may not be perfect (because I am unfortunately not perfect (but don't tell anyone else please)) will no doubt be enjoyable.

Fall has gripped us firmly now, softening us up for winter's blow, which unfortunately means there aren't a lot of great riding days left but I wish all my readers a perfect ride, on their bike and in their life.

Contemplating the Uncontemplatable - Lawyers Again!!

  Well after much thought, and the input of friends and family, I am going to meet with a law firm that has contacted me through this blog and offered to help me pro bono get back “what is mine.” (their words not mine.) I trust lawyers less than I trust my ex, which is unfortunately pretty bad, but I would love to have all my trade tools and equipment, my family heirlooms, and my writing back.

  I am very torn over this decision at the moment because the last thing I want to do is make my ex's life more difficult than it probably already is, nor do I want to run up more bills for her because in the end it is only that animals and the children that suffer. Getting the missing pieces of my life back only to destroy hers in the process is not the right thing to do but maybe these guys have a better plan, though I have never known a lawyer that didn't want to start by going for the heart and settling for nothing less than ripping out the groin.

  I will keep my faithful readers updated.

Bonds

  There is something that draws bikers together as a group, a community of sorts. Riding that motorbike automatically enters you into a group that has a comraderie that I have seldom seen among other groups. Now I know the first thing jumping into the minds of most cagers is the nefarious motorbike gangs that they hear about in the news all the time, but that is not what I am referring to. What I am referring to is that simple little, at times almost invisible, wave that is exchanged between bikers as they pass each other.
   If you have been driving behind a person on a motorbike you may have noticed this action as two bikes pass each other in opposite directions. The left hand lifts off the grip and drops down to below the grip or lower and forms a sign, unique to every rider, as the rider coming in the other direction does exactly the same thing. If you blink you will miss it, it is so subtle in most cases, but between bikers it is enough to recognize that common mindset.
  They don't know each each other. They may never see each other again. But they know they have something in common between each other. A unique bond.
  It is always amusing as a rider when you come across someone new to the community. These are the riders who are driving down the highway at 60 miles an hour and joyfully raise their hand high in the air to greet the oncoming biker. We have all experienced the sensation as a kid of sticking our arms out the window and feeling the wind push your arm backwards. Well picture this happening to a hand that is quickly raised in acknowledgement to an oncoming rider. The picture the other riders laughter as he watches that hand counter rotate around the shoulder of the newbie rider, flinging it back behind them flailing in the wind. It doesn't take a new rider long to avoid that from happening again.
  Bonds are fragile things though. Temporary. Fleeting. If you don't work at keeping those bonds together they soon fracture and tear apart, sometimes never to be repaired. Even if you try to repair them they are never the same, and sometimes you do more damage than just leaving them be. Think of those repair jobs that you have seen where someone tried to repair something and when they were done all you had left was a piece of junk with extra glue out the seams, extra nails sticking out, doors or drawers not lining up, and just a general mess that would have been better off left alone. The person's doing the repair may have been motivated just to try and bring a thing a beauty back to original lustre or some semblance thereof – the best of intentions gone awry.
  Those are the thoughts going through my mind as I enjoyed a ride on one of the warmest days of summer, which is nearing an end all too soon. A couple of quotes come to mind as I contemplate this.    The first is from Emily Dickinson:

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune - - without the words,

And never stops at all.

  The second is from Christian Nevell Bovee:

“No man is happy without a delusion of some kind. Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities.”

  As an aside, while doing some research for a website I am developing for a client I came across some interesting images. I thought I would share these with you.

Riding The Curves With A Friend

  “Hold tight in the turns.”

  That, I believe was the closing line in a recent email from one of this blogs readers. (I don't know for sure because I was unfortunately a little quick with the delete key. I do apologize to this reader. I like to take the time to personally respond to all emails.) Now this may not mean much to those to don't ride a bike, but to those who do corners are an entirely different concept. Why? Counter steering!
  What is counter steering? Don't worry that you don't know because the fact is, even many motor bikers, though they do it every day, don't know what counter steering is. It is probably the most difficult concept for those who teach motorbike drivers courses to explain. The basic concept is this. You steer into the the turn but as you continue the turn, you counter steer, or steer out of the turn as you lean into the turn. This is counter-intuitive to those that don't ride a motorbike but the fact is the more you turn into a corner, the more upright a motorcycle stays. Combine staying upright with the concept of g-force which wants to pull you out of the corner and you find yourself either driving into the other lane of traffic, the ditch, or worse.
  Now add to this formula the loose gravel, pot holes, oil slicks and variety of obstacles that suddenly appear on the ground beneath your wheels as you lean deep into your turn, just encouraging your tires to loose traction and slip out from under you. Of course if you ride that turn truly fearlessly (or like a crazy lunatic depending on your point of view) you can find yourself leaning so far that your foot peg is scraping the ground just seeking out an opportunity to grab hold so your rubber completely removes itself from the road and your leathers (if you are smart) and skin embed into the rough pavement.
  Riding the curves on a motorbike can be exciting, enthralling, exhilarating, exasperating, scary, frightening, bone chilling, and death defying – all at the same time. Riding the curves in life is very much the same experience. You live your life with a final destination in mind (other than death), a goal of sorts. As you head towards your destination every once in a while you find yourself facing a curve in the road that you just have to ride out. You turn it to it, knowing it is taking you off track, so you counter steer, in an effort to get back on path. You might ride that curve a little fast. You might lean into it a little hard. The choice is always up to you on how you ride that curve, and in the end you are either going to find yourself pulling out, or crashing and burning. If you do find yourself pulling out you may find yourself heading in an entirely new direction.
  I recently had one of those curves thrown in my path. I had pretty much decided that I wanted nothing to do with animals anymore. Just as I put that down on paper I received a phone call from someone saying they had got one of my basset hounds from a rescue that had found it wandering the back country a couple hours north of Edmonton. Leaves me wondering what has happened with all the other animals. Anyway, to make a long story short, I have my old friend back and I love it. I won't be rushing out to add more animals to my life but having my old friend back in my life has raised my spirits and given me hope. This is a curve I had to lean hard into but as I pull out of it I am still heading in the same direction, only now I have a friend to accompany me.

Skill

A bit of a step out from my usual blog but I came across a video of a police officer in a motorbike rodeo that demonstrates some incredible skill. I would love to just attempt this course - as long as it wasn't on a bike I would have to repair when it dropped!! Check it out.
Incredible Riding Skill

Motorbike Zen - A New Website

Since starting this blog I have received a lot of email, much of it from perfect strangers. The writers offer words or encouragement, support, and understanding, but much of what I have received lately are from people who have used their motorbikes in their healing process as well. There have been some great stories and it occurred to me that I should not be the only person to hear them so I have created a new website called Motorbike Zen.
If you have a story of motorcycles and healing I encourage you to add it to the website.

Introspection - Two Steps Forward One Step Back

With my birthday imminent I find myself quite introspective. Not that the birthday is any milestone, but at 45 did expect to be at a much different point in my life, and definitely not a mere six months from starting every over again.
One of the most enjoyable experiences for me is hopping on my motorbike, strapping a tent and sleeping bag to the back, and heading out in a direction. Any direction. Choosing roads and turns because they look interesting or fun, or because someone you have met on your journey recommended a certain path. You may not get far fast, but the sites, the people, and the experience make it all worthwhile. Not that the journey is totally random. I always leave with a direction in mind, and usually an intended destination, and unfortunately a time line that returns me to the “responsibilities” of daily living.

Travelling this way does at time have its challenges, as you may expect. Not every road is as smooth as racing down the highway. Some of the roads you choose may have more winds and twists in than you expect, and while they may make the ride more exciting, slow down the trip significantly. Some roads, while providing a beautiful sideline to your journey, are dead ends and leave you backtracking for part of your trip before being able to resume direction to your ultimate destination. As long as you keep the rubber on the road and the shiny side up it's always a good journey, and the rough patches that make for part of the story.
I suppose, in retrospect, the way I enjoy riding my motor bike is a a metaphor for how I have lived my life. I remember as a young boy in North Bay, Ont., writing down my planned destination for my life in my journal. I was going to be a writer, a musician, and a craftsman living on a sprawling ranch with my own roaming herd of horses. I believe at the time my idea of the ranch was something about the size of the Ponderosa from Bonanza (which according to the internet would have been a mere 600,000 acres), but if you are going to dream, dream big! The route I was taking to get to that final destination was anything but direct, with plenty of side trips, but I was well on my way. Just didn't plan on a raging cager (in biker terminology) running me down before I could reach my destination.
I am six months out from that major life crash and that combined with the pending birthday finds me not only introspective, but confused, and pensive, and perhaps even bewildered and befuddled. The deeper I look the more confused I seem to get.
Writing has always been an intrinsic part of my life. Whether it has just been in my journals, or in letters and reports, in technical documents and text books and business plans, on the web, and in books and magazine articles, writing has been the one constant on my journey. Much of that writing sadly disappeared with my last partner (the raging cager I referred to earlier) and I fear is gone forever. Gratefully some of it has been found again in the forms of copies of my published books contained in the archives of the Canadian National Library. Writing did in fact save my life. Had I not used it to think out loud and communicate through this blog I am not sure (in fact I am very confident) that I would have made it through a very trying time.

Writing has always been, and will always be, the keystone in the bridge to the rest of my journey. Music on the other hand has sadly been waylaid somewhere along the roads I have taken. I am not sure at what point it was waylaid, or if it just simply faded into the background as other priorities in the moment took its place. If I had to pinpoint the time that music began to fade I think it faded away as certain friendships of my youth faded away. That road I took away from the music is one of those that I think I need to follow back to its source and head down a different route. There was a time when I would quickly learn any instrument I had the pleasure of touching (though drums simply eluded me). It was often a bit of a competition between my closest friend and I at who could master what instrument the best. I believe it is time to bring some of that music back. My guitars also disappeared with my writing but I think I am going to spend some time in the wood shop and build my own. An interesting challenge to my craftsman skills and, I hope, a motivator to play again.
The craftsman is well on its way. Through great teachers and coworkers I believe my skills as a blacksmith do qualify me as a craftsman and I truly love working with metal and wood. It is work but it is also very therapeutic at the same time. Of course all of my tools need to be replaced. This is one of those things that remains a source of confusion for me. How can someone who once proclaimed they loved you more than anything take everything that is you, everything you needed to continue your work and career, all of your family inheritances and history, and disappear with it leaving you literally sleeping in the streets in the middle of an ice cold winter? I just can't make sense of it or understand it, and while I know that holds me back there is a need within me to find an answer.
That being said, I have been given opportunities to continue with my blacksmithing, moving forward a step at a time, building my shop up again one tool at a time. I did it once before and I will do it again.

As for my dream of the Ponderosa, there is no room in my heart for that anymore. While I miss the work of being a farrier, and helping horses that needed help, the part they played in destroying a family makes them difficult to even look at for me. I realize that it was absolutely no fault of the horses, and that the obsession, and compulsion my partner had for horses was not healthy for her, me, or our family. I suppose that my guilt for allowing that problem to cause suffering for the horses and the family plays a big part in not having room in my heart for them anymore. The dogs I loved, my Saint Bernards and Basset Hounds disappeared as well and, while I enjoy being around my friend's dogs, I am still heart broke at the thought of Fritter and Glory not being in my life anymore. When I see a Basset or Saint my heart hits the floor and it is difficult to hold the tears back.
I think the dream of the Ranch has been crushed and I don't know what will fill that empty space yet. That is part of the search I am on I suppose. But the deep truth is there is another space that I struggle to fill. The space that was filled by a friend and partner that I could share my life was so brutally torn open that the jagged edges left behind don't really allow anyone else to fit into that hole. It is not that there haven't been beautiful, wonderful people who have cared about me and tried to fit into that space, but the truth is the most damaged thing in this entire experience has been my faith and trust in people. I am a loving and caring individual, and it cuts deep when I can't find it in myself to trust, care, and love others.
I know there is much more healing to take place. I don't know that there ever really be an opening for that friend and partner that I desire but just can't let in.
My birthday is a milestone to me. The beginning of beginning my life's journey over. Setting out on a new road with new directions and new choices, though this time with no destination really in site. It is the destination that I am searching for.
The journey begins as I climb onto my bike and head off into the sunset!

Cages & Cagers - Continued

Coffee with a close friend made me realize that my Cagers and Cages blog could use a little expanding. Her situation reminded me of another cage, one not of our own creation, that often closes in our lives, sickness.

This beautiful young woman recently found herself diagnosed with stage 3 cancer involving her kidney, liver, and lymph nodes. The options are simple – cut her open and remove what they can or leave it, because chemo apparently won't touch this cancer. This free spirit had this escape proof cage dropped over her from nowhere and she feels much like any animal would as a cage trapped them and closed around them. Scared. Angry. Bitter. Sad. Worried. All feelings which are cages of their own.
I know it it no real comparison for what my friend is currently facing, but I recently abandoned my motorbike for a couple of days, tired of riding in the rain, and used my van for my daily commute. The feeling of being enclosed in that shell as I drove to work was claustrophobic and smothering. I imagine this is only a small sample of how my friend and others feel when their lives are suddenly closed in by sickness and illness.
Shakespeare wrote “Now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by this sun of York”. As a biker every winter is my winter of discontent as snow and ice keep me off my ride and and in my cage, but I get through it knowing the summer sun will free me once again. For my friend and others like her I wish that a summer sun comes for them, releasing them from their cages.

Cages & Cagers

Cager – according to the Urban Dictionary a popular word among motorcyclists and bicyclists for four wheeled motor vehicle drivers. The term is often used in a derogative sense, because the car body effectively forms a cage, isolating the said driver from having to interact with other road users.  Recent Harley Davidson commercials feautred this concept as a rider cruised through the city streets while everyone around him are locked in their cages.
I recently had the pleasure of an interaction with one of these cagers, driving down the road directly beside me in their hot little sportscar, music blaring so loud the car was bouncing with the base beats, mindlessly switching lanes directly into my side while on my other side a tractor trailer unit blocked my escape options. Behind us cars honked loudly seeing the impending accident but the sportscar driver was oblivious to sounds outside his cage. It wasn't until the sound of my boot against his passenger door echoed in his car that this driver even realized I was there.
My experience isn't unique among bikers unfortunately. It illustrates not only the hazards for bikers, but the way many of us live our lives. In a cage. Often of our own creation. Isolating us from others and from really interacting with the world around us.
These cages can take many forms and we all have one of some sort. Limiting our interactions to individuals of a certain social class, religious belief, or political belief is a cage. Living your life and making decisions based on certain books and theories is a cage. Dressing and decorating based on trends is a cage. If it's not a Harley it's not a real bike is a cage! If it is not a Dodge it is not a real truck is a cage!
All of these cages limit our interactions with others, and limit the way we enjoy and experience life. These cages though, are cages of our own creation that we can easily break out of. There are other cages though that while we may create them or innocently put ourselves in them, they are not so easily broken out of.
How many of us have the bars of our cages formed by debt, and find that cage getting smaller and smaller every day. We enter that debt innocently and with the best of intentions, though more often than not for things we want, rather than need, and regardless of your ability to pay that debt back, it still creates limits on your life, bars on your cage.
Then there are other cages even more severe and limiting. People find themselves in situations of abuse and violence, the bars on their cage created by their desire to appear happy, or preserve their family. Bars so strong that what it takes to break them often destroys the person trapped in that cage.

Age and Beauty!!

  I leaned against the soft leather seat of my Roadstar today at the gas pump, eating a chocolate bar before hitting the road again. The sun glistened of my new wax job and I idly rubbed a smudge on the fuel tank. I watch with interest as an old Ural with a sidecar pulled up to the other side of the pump. The bike was strapped down with gear and and older couple, as well weathered as their ride, climbed of the bike and out of the sidecar and stretched. I couldn't help but admire the old bike and this of course got me talking with its riders.

   The gentleman, a man I think was well into his 70's, happily volunteered every last detail about the Ural and its sidecar. Amazingly he could tell me where every scratch and ding came from and he did so with pride. “That machine is just like me,” he said. “I ain't so pretty myself but every line tells a tale and we earned every one of them.” And those lines, on the bike and the man, did have some amazing tales to tell as I found out when I took the opportunity to join the couple for a coffee.

A WWII Ural and Side Car

   This couple had been on the road since May, taking a ride they took 30 years ago on the same bike to Alaska where they planned to stay for a while. They had been forced to sell their farm in the early spring after a lifetime of farming. The woman, told me how the bankers got most of it and what they didn't get, the neighbours bought up at cents on a dollar at auction. “Never forgive those vultures,” she said quite vehemently.

   The good nature of some people shone through in their story as well. One of their neighbours had purchased that Ural bike and sidecar at the auction. A week later this couple stepped out the door of the house they were renting to find that bike pulling into their driveway, cleaned up and obviously tuned up. The rider climbed off the bike, handed over the helmet and said “she's got a lot of romantic rides left in her and you guys should be taking them.” He was their neighbour for as long as they could remember and he wouldn't take a cent for the bike. He just hopped into the truck his son had followed him in and left.

   “I just hated that man when he got that bike for next to nothing at the auction,” the woman said. “I knew it broke my husbands heart more than loosing the farm. That act though restored our faith in people. It was that day we decided to make this trip again and set our roots somewhere else.”

   The old guy laughed and added “We ain't got much time left in us to set roots, but we're like those funny little Japanese trees that roots are exposed and they are all bent out of shape and all. All that stress and hardship makes those things beautiful.”

   I couldn't agree with him more and watched longingly as they climbed onto their bike and headed North, wishing I could join them on the trip instead of just continuing on my daily commute.  As I continued by my ride home a passage came to mind from a book I had read called Cold Mountain.
I looked up the passage I had bookmarked when I got home.

   You could grieve endlessly for the loss of time and for the damage done therein. For the dead, and for your own lost self. But what the wisdom of the ages says is that we do well not to grieve on and on. And those old ones knew a thing or two and had some truth to tell, Inman said, for you can grieve your heart out and in the end you are still where you were. All your grief hasn't changed a thing. What you have lost will not be returned to you. It will always be lost. You're left with only your scars to mark the void. All you can choose to do is go on or not. But if you go on, it's knowing you carry your scars with you.

   I know I have added more than a few scars to my collection recently and I can only hope that as I carry them with me that they look as good on me as they did on that couple I just enjoyed coffee with. May their ride be safe and fun, and I hope they can bring some joy and wisdom to to others as they have to me.

Impromptu Phone Experiment

   Here is my motorcycle advice for the day. If you are going to carry your cell phone in your pocket do one of three things; make sure it is off, or make sure the keyboard lock is on, or make sure it is in a pocket in which keys are not going to get randomly pushed without your knowledge!!!

   If you haven't figured out where this is going, let me tell you. I for some strange reason placed my blackberry in my front pocket as I hopped on my bike for a quick hop of to the gas station. Now my phone rarely rings, but by the time I pulled into the service station it was vibrating away like crazy. I pulled it out to find multiple messages from people asking if everything was okay in one way or another. Many of the messages came from people I rarely talk to. This had me totally baffled. What did they know that I didn't?

   A little digging revealed that while I was cruising down the highway my phone had somehow had the right set of keys pushed to send out a text message consisting of a sad face and an angry face to many of the people on my contact list. For those on my list I do apologize for this, but it did turn out to be an interesting experiment of sorts. Of the numerous text messages my pocket sent out I got responses from only a few who were concerned about me and the contents of the text they just received. A couple of the responses came from people clear across the country and a couple from people I may have only spoken to a time or two. What was more telling was the ones who did not respond. Curious results to this impromptu experiment and I am still not quite sure how to interpret the results but I would like to say a deep thanks to those who responded with concern.

On a different subject, part of moving forward in my life is developing some new, healthy habits.  In the process of researching this I came across Zen Habits Blog .  It is worth taking a look at as you tour the internet.

Putting A Shine On It.

   I took the opportunity today to give my bike some TLC. My many rides have resulted in much road grime and bugs forming a thick layer over the thing of beauty that lies underneath. For those of you that think a motorcycle is a 10 minute cleaning job, think again.

   First you have to remove that thick layer of bug debris that has become a hardened crust on the front of the bike. Then you need to wash and rinse the bike to remove all the other dirt. Then, if you are perhaps a little bit anal about the shine on your bike to do another round of cleaning using clay and lubricant to get that last layer of dirt and bring out the natural shine in your paint. After that comes the chrome polish and the wax. None of this is quick and easy as the many nooks and crannys are difficult to get at. And I haven't even touched the leather yet. Patience is indeed a virtue when it comes to cleaning and polishing a motorcycle but it is a virtue that I need much training in anyways.

   As I spent this time I noticed every little scratch in the paint, every spot the chrome has pitted and rust is taking its death grip, every dent the hail has left, every flaw. To anyone else that looks at my bike, especially after it has been cleaned up, it is a truly beautiful machine. All that polish and wax gives it an appearance of near perfection. But the truth is underneath that polish is something that needs a lot more TLC.

   What does the condition of my bike have to with anything other than my obvious anal fixation on the condition of my bike. Probably nothing, but it occurred to me as I caressed the wax into the curves of my bike just how similar this was to how I presented my life to others. I put on a polish of sorts, covering up the scratches and damage that lied underneath, eating away at the foundation. What others saw was what I wanted them to see, not the reality of the situation. Of course it makes it all the more easy to conceal the problems you are living through when most of society prefers to look at the world through rose coloured stain glass windows, never wanting to see the “bad” stuff.

   As I try to understand this journey I am on it leads me to stories of others in similar situations. Family and friends of people who are hoarding horses, cats, or any of a variety of animals. Men and women who are being assaulted by their spouses and are in deep in domestic abuse situations. In all these cases the people involved step out into the world with a polish on them that covers the sad, disturbing realities they are trying to live through. Unfortunately this only allows the problems to persist, and often even become worse because of its concealment, but when you are on the inside you don't always see this.

   But how many of do this same thing in our daily lives. We find ourselves with a choice to make that involves accepting something we don't really like to get something we really do like and rather than acknowledging there are problems we put a polish on them, a shine that covers the reality of the situation. Sure, life is about compromises, but a compromise isn't really a compromise if you just pretend everything is okay. No amount of spit & shine can erase the reality of a situation and acknowledging that reality is often the only real path to success.

   As for my motorbike, I do acknowledge the scratches and dings that the wax conceals, but she has earned everyone of those "worry lines" as she carries me through this journey.

Healing & Motivation

"We quiet our babies with cyclic movement, and we quiet ourselves by going."
Melissa Holbrook Pierson understood the not only the romance of riding a motorcycle, but the healing affects the motion of riding one of these incredible machines has on the human body and the human soul. She wrote about this in her book The Perfect Vehicle, another excellent book for motorcycle enthusiasts, and for those just curious about what it is all about.
My time in the seat of my bike has been personally healing and restorative in many ways. The time with myself, within myself, while interacting and observing the world around me is something I missed and and think we all miss in our daily lives (which is why I object to radios on motorcycles and blue tooth devices in helmets. Drive a car if you want to close yourself off from the world and from your own thoughts.) That being said, healing takes time, and the weather hasn't exactly co-operated with time in the saddle, nor have the requirements of everyday living, but of course part of the reason to work on that healing is to gain back the joys that can be found in everyday living.
I am finding that I can see myself in some of the words of Neil Peart in Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road when he states “What I really lack is some of my former power of enthusiasm, of getting fired up about doing a particular thing, or learning about it, so that it became more important than anything else in the whole world.” There was a time when I had an interest in something I would dedicate myself to learning every last aspect of that particular subject. This was not always conducive to my relationships as I could easily loose myself in my interests, but it always kept me moving forward instead of just being along for the ride.
That enthusiasm is returning though. I find myself studying my crafts again. My blacksmithing. My writing. My art. My wood working. I am really looking forward to finalizing the designs of some blacksmithing work I will soon be starting for one of the big churches in downtown Calgary. When I ride my bike I follow the front wheel, and for a while that direction was rather aimless, without any real destination in mind, often in big circles. As my mindset changed the direction of that front wheel changed. There still may have been no specific destination in mind but there was a direction, and as I have often been told, it it not the destination that matters, but the journey to get there. This is how I am finding life these days. I may not have a specific destination in mind, but I am choosing the direction now, and experiencing the journey on the way.
I find there is something else grabbing my interest, and that is the possibility of restoring an old bike or building one from scratch. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love my current ride, an 04 Yamaha Roadstar, and I won't give this bike up for anything. There is an art and craft in some of the old bikes that isn't reflected in most of today's all electronic monstrosities. There are personal touches that can go in a creation of your own that you just can't expect others to take the time to add in something they are not building for themselves. I often find myself dropping in on the Helmet Hair Motorcycle Blog and in a couple or recent posts like the one about Shinya Kimura and the dying craft of restoring motorcycles I see that I am not the only person who feels like this.
Just how creative can someone get with a motorcycle. Well check out this bike created from scrap by Bangkok-based artist Roongronjna Sangwonprisarn.

If you are out riding your bike on this long week-end stay safe. Keep the shiny side up. Highways are deadly places on long weekends and all too often our brothers on wheels are the victims.

Documenting Homelessness

More rain is translating into more reading for me. Among my reading is the Calgary Herald and I found an article entitled “Blogger on tour to document homelessness” interesting. According to this article the Canadian leg of a tour by Mark Horvath, a blogger and vieographer who is trying to raise awareness about homelessness, is being co-ordinated by the  Calgary Homeless Foundation   Calgary Homeless Foundation in partnership with the Community Action Committee.

This article was interesting to me because, however short it was, I did spend some time homeless in the middle of a Calgary winter, which is documented in the early versions of this blog. I looked at Mark Horvath's website, invisiblepeople.tv and found some interesting pieces. It is unfortunately not surprising to me just how little it takes for good people to go from having a roof over their head to living in the streets or in their car, with no place to call home.

As I looked more into this newspaper story I ended up at the Calgary Homeless Foundation website and the websites of other groups and organizations who are working on Homelessness in Calgary and other areas. All of these groups do go work I am sure, but I can't help but wonder if on some level the cart isn't being put before the horse. Why do I have this criticism? Well it just seems to me that if someone like me, who is quite skilled in finding information and had access to the resources to find this information, was not able to find programs that would help get someone of the street in the middle of winter (see my early blog posts), than how are others finding that information and help. Does there need to be more effort put into getting the information out to the right people rather than documenting the plight of the homeless?

There are many homeless people that are homeless, not because of drug, alcohol, addictions, or mental problems, but simply because some situation resulted in them being out of their home and, despite currently working, they just can not get ahead enough to get another roof over their head for themselves, and in some cases their family as well. I have heard many question how someone who is working without the expenses of housing can't set aside money. The simple fact is that living on the streets, especially during the winter months, can be just as expensive if not more so than living in a home. Without the ability to store and prepare food meals cost more. In foul and inclement weather, when shelters are filled, finding a place to keep dry and warm costs money. A daily income becomes a daily support structure, which means setting aside the money needed to get back into a home is next to impossible.

I don't know if there is a program like this in Calgary, or Alberta, but a simple, easily accessible loan program (low interest or no interest) that can provide the damage deposit and first months rent, to working homeless would probably go a long way to help many get off the streets.

Equine Hoarding Update - What The Courts Had To Say

Someone kindly passed on a newspaper article to me that let me know what happened with the charges Tammy Thompson faced for causing animals to be in distress. The article from the Mountain View Gazette on June 28^th stated Ms. Thompson pleaded guilty and was fined $1000 and prohibited from owning more than 10 horses during the next five years.

To some that may seem like a solution, but in reality it is little more than a speeding ticket on the road to more disaster. The sad fact is “owning” horses just means they can't be directly owned by her. There is nothing stopping her from transferring ownership of the horses to a family or friend, but still keeping the horses. At the time of her assault charges she disappeared with close to 30 horses which means now there are at least 20 in limbo somewhere. Nor does this judgement prevent her from taking in other horses into her care.

What the newspaper article doesn't reveal is that, despite the financial problems which she admitted to in court, she continued to add horses to her herd and refused to sell or get rid of any despite the obvious problems for both her family and the horses.

I know that are court system is overloaded and they try in most cases to come up with an appropriate solution, but I believe in animal cases such as this I believe there should at minimum, be counselling programs involved in the sentence and specific monitoring procedures in place to ensure the problem is not reoccurring. Tammy Thompson got charged with assaulting her spouse and they sent her to counselling and anger management programs as part of her sentence. Why could they not do the same thing for her problem with animals?

Sadly Ms. Thompson's case is not the only case like this. All to often we are seeing people back in courts on charges because they have repeated the same behaviour that put their animals in distress the first time. We, as a society, need to come up with a better solution to dealing with these animal hoarding and abuse problems and encourage our politicians and courts to put these solutions in place for the benefit of the animals and the people involved.

Into Each Life A Little Rain Must Fall.

They say that into each life a little rain must fall, but come on now!!!! I am ready to trade in my bike for a canoe. Not that I am a fair weather biker by any stretch of the imagination. I have ridden in just about all extremes, rain, heavy rain, heavy, heavy rain, hail, snow, high winds. I have enjoyed them all with the exception of the hail. Ouch!!! For me and my bike. I have also canoed in all of this weather and enjoyed it as well. Riding a motorbike and canoeing are remarkably similar. The solitude, the freedom, the unique exposure and interaction with the elements and world around you.

One thing this weather has done for me has provided a chance for me to read a little more. In one of those random meetings with people you wouldn't otherwise ever meet unless you ride a bike I was told about a book by Neil Peart, the drummer from the Rush (an absolutely fantastic band). The book is called Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road, and tells the story of how Neil, after the death of his daughter in an accident and loosing his wife to cancer shortly thereafter, heads out on his motorbike on a journey of self healing. When I was told about the book I knew this was something I could relate to and thanks to Amazon.com the book was in my hands in two short days and it is fantastic. Even if you are not a biker you will love this book.

After the death of his daughter Neil relates the story of a television documentary on the Mormon trek west in 1847, the ordeals they went through and the hardships they faced. The words of one of the women in the documentary struck home to Neil Pert. “The only reason I am alive is that I could not die.” This is where this author found himself at that period of his life. This is exactly where I found myself after loosing my family and everything that had real meaning to me. After reading these words I knew I was going to enjoy this book and haven't put it down since.

In Neil’s own journal he wrote these words:

“Notice in the 'watches of the night' or while riding (or anytime), pattern of torment. Not only have to relive and examine every episode of life with Jackie and Selena, but every single episode of my own life.  embarrassment, act of foolishness, wrong-headedness, error, idiocy etc. Going back to childhood and all the way forward to now.

I physically flinch, say 'ow' out loud, or 'fuck,' as the case may be, and can hardly bear it. Such stupid things sometimes, but it seems my confidence, or belief in myself, or something, is so shaken, so undermined, so tenuous, that I have no tolerance, no understanding, no forgiveness: for myself or any one else.

No forgiveness...”

I still find myself in this mindset. I know exactly how those thoughts go. The physical flinches. The curses, silently and out loud. The destruction of my foundation that has left me so lacking in confidence and belief in myself that I can not find any tolerance, understanding, or forgiveness for anyone, myself included. I can only hope that this journey allows me to rebuild that foundation.

Animal Hoarding Rears Its Ugly Head Again.

I have stayed away from this subject for a while, mostly because rehashing it is a painful experience for me, but recent news stories about the return of animals that were seized because of poor care and poor conditions has brought the subject to the forefront of my thoughts again.

Granted I do not know all of the details of this specific situation. What I do know is limited to what has been released in the media, and I do not delude myself that this coverage is even close to being balanced. That being said, there is not a doubt in my mind that the people that owned these animals that were seized never intended anything but the best for these animals. I know that there are many readers who will rail against this statement, asking how it is someone could care so much for animals yet let them die, starve, get sick, and live in horrible conditions. If you are relatively new to this blog please understand that I don't support this behaviour, but I do have a perspective that many individuals do not.

People, for the most part, do not own livestock because they want to be cruel to it. They own livestock because they have a love for the animals. It is easy to justify building up a large herd of animals justifying not reducing the herd size because prices aren't right or they are good for breeding stock, or any of dozens of other reasons. I herd all of these excuses from my partner as our horse herd grew out of control.

It is also easy for these people to draw friends and family into their beliefs, not because these people are so influential, but because they so strongly believe their l line of thought that they find ways to convince those around them of the same. Those they can't convince they simply erase from their lives. In my situation friends, family, and neighbours were all alienated.

Despite the good intentions towards the animals in their care problems inevitably arise. The animals reproduce creating more mouths to feed. Feed costs money. Lot's of money. Health care costs money. Shelter costs money. Unless they win the lottery something has to give. The unfortunate thing is these individuals believe so strongly they are doing the right thing that they will beg, borrow, and steal to just hold on a little while longer. They would rather take a chance on loosing their car, or their home, or more just to hang on to their animals. Meanwhile they justify in their own minds the decreasing level of care their animals are receiving and the decreasing condition of their animals.

In some of these cases, but not all of them, the SPCA steps in and seizes animals. I don't always agree with the methods used by the SPCA but the fact is they have a miserable, and often impossible job to do and you can be guaranteed that the people on the receiving end of their actions are usually far from cooperative. When it happened to us I was sure that had I not been there my spouse would have assaulted the officer. The sad fact is, when I tried to rectify the situation at a later date I was the one violently assaulted.

The part of these cases that is even more difficult to understand is that the individuals the animals are seized from have a chance to get these animals back. Yes there are conditions that they need to meet, and in the short term most do meet those conditions and somehow come up with the funds required to get their animals back. This is my understanding of what is happening in the cause currently going on in Alberta, and I think this is why I find this topic occupying my thoughts again.

The unfortunate part of this is that all too often things get bad again, often sooner than later, but the people involved find ways to conceal it from everyone. In my case my spouse found ways to split up her herd and locations where the animals could not be found. She had told me before assaulting me and leaving me living in the streets that her own lawyer had told her she could transfer ownership of the horses to a friend for a buck so the SPCA could not go after her for having the animals (though how she could sell or transfer horses branded with a co-owned brand without my permission is beyond me.) In the end all of the horses “disappeared” and where the SPCA's court case against ended up I have no idea.

Is this what will happen with the animals being returned to the ranch near Drumheller? I do not know. I would only be guessing at the answer to that question. I do think that if you look at the stories and histories of people who hoard animals the story is often the same as mine. Animals lives are destroyed. Families are destroyed. People are devastated. All this horror and sorrow based on good intentions.

What can we do about it? Sadly nothing.

Trust me. Unless an animal hoarder makes the decision to seek help themselves there is absolutely nothing we can do to help them. My horses disappeared with my spouse after she was charged with assault. I expect she is somewhere with her herd of curly horses to(and whatever other horses she has acquired) and most likely in the same situation she was in before, animals suffering, bills piling up, lives falling apart. The difference now is she just knows how to hide it better.

We need to find a way to empower those charged with the responsibility to take the actions needed in these situations. We need to find a way to help those who need the help. We need to be a real friend and point out the problem to people creating these situations, not find ways to support them or justify what they are doing.

I sincerely hope that my reality (and the reality of many others who have found themselves in similar circumstances) does not become the reality of the animals being returned to Drumheller. I wish the ranch owners nothing but luck with their enterprise, but please, please, encourage and listen to advice from others around you and don't let lives, animals and yours, be destroyed by your love for your animals.

Who Can You Depend On?

I tend to leave my motorbike parked on long weekends. You would think that a long weekend would be a perfect time to pickup and go but the volume of traffic on the roads as everyone heads to their great escape is just an accident waiting to happen. I have heard at least one report of a motorcyclist dieing on the highway, the driver of the car apparently never saw them. News reports say that more than 3000 tickets were issued this weekend, 2200 of them for speeding. In total there were 2 fatalities. Now even one fatality is too much but only 2 over a July 1^st long weekend is not bad. Still, I am not disappointed that I didn't hit the highways, though even if I had wanted to I couldn't thanks to some teen rebels who enjoyed July 1^st a little too much, but that is a topic for another day (and I needed some new skins for the bike anyway).

As motorcyclists it is ( or it should have been) drummed into us from day 1 that the only person we can depend on on that road is ourselves. Car drivers don't look for us, and therefore don't see us. Pedestrians think we are all Evil Knievel (okay, my age is showing), and that we can manoeuvre our bikes around their stupid actions no matter what. Barely a day of riding goes by for me that this is not re-enforced and I think may explain on some level why many bikers have a somewhat limited, but expressive vocabulary.

I only wish that I had applied my motorbike driver training to my life because when it gets right down to it, the only person we can depend on in life, just as in motorbike riding, is ourselves. We can not count on those around us to know what we are doing and where we are going, or even how fast we want to get there. Even if they do know our path there is absolutely nothing stopping them from throwing themselves in your way. We quite simply have no control over the choices of others or how they choose to influence our lives. All we have control of is our own choices. We can plan ahead, be vigilante in watching for those that will throw obstacles in our paths and try and anticipate their actions, and prepare as best we can, but inevitably the accident will come.

Those are my thoughts from the road today. Keep the shiny side up and don't depend on anyone but yourself - on the highway or in life.

Take a moment and check out our new link to Akasha Forge & Foundry.

Motorcycles and The Laws of Physics

Alright everyone. Let me introduce you one of the most basic physics lessons that every motorbike rider knows.

• the distance between point a and point b is 100 km
• a car travelling between point a and point b has 4 tires on the road and each tire must travel that 100 km, therefore the car travels a true distance of 400km
• a motorcycle has only two tires on the road and therefore only travels a true distance of 200 km.
• Logically, if the car is travelling a true distance of 400km and the motorcycle is only travelling a true distance of 200 km, the motorcycle will arrive at point b in 1/2 the time of the car
• therefore if the 200km per hour on the motorcycle is the equivalent of 100 m per hour on the motorcycle.

Find me a real motorcycle enthusiast who doesn't agree with this physics lesson!!

So what is my point, you may ask, other than the fact that my wrist may occasionally lock up holding the throttle open while I am travelling slightly over the posted speed limit? My points are these:

•  Given all options people will tend to listen to and believe what they want to believe what they want to believe, regardless of whether or not it is the truth.
• People tend to take their information from other like minded individuals and groups because it works for them, closing themselves off from other ideas and concepts.
• People tend to offer advice based on their own perspective of the world rather than an objective perspective.

There is no shortage of people, groups, and books out there willing to tell each of us how we should live our lives, what our decision making processes should be, and even what our choices should be. More often then not it is friends and family offering this advice (and all too often unsolicited) and our natural tendency is to follow that advice. None of them mean to do any harm when they are providing you with the wisdom of their years (or lack of). They do have your well-being in consideration (or in the case of groups and books – their bank accounts). What they all fail to realize is the best advice is often no advice.
I have had the pleasure of working with many good counsellors, and even had one help me, and the one thing in common among all of them is they never tell a person what to do, what choice to make, or what they are doing right and wrong. In fact they are the most annoying people in the world because all they ever do is ask you questions. Some are easy questions. Some are difficult questions. Some are deeply probing and painful questions. But all of these questions are based on you getting advice from the person most likely to have the best, most accurate, most appropriate advice you need – YOURSELF.
No one knows the choices you need to make better than you, so seek out advice from others, but in the end, seek out the questions you need to answer, no matter how painful, and look to yourself for the answer. It's there.
Those are my thoughts as I cruise the highways on my ride letting the wind blow through my helmet (bloody helmet laws). Got to go. Think those are flashing lights behind me!!!

Contemplation, Consternation, & Confusion

I have found myself with extra time on my hands recently. That may seem odd for a person who works two jobs, but those hours in between seem to be very long hours when you don't have people or activities to fill it with. The weather has definitely not made on of my favourite activities, riding my motorbike, very enjoyable. As for people, I do have friends but it is difficult to fit their time in with my strange hours between jobs. I would love to fill my time blacksmithing but that joy has been taken from me for now. There was a time that I would have spent those empty moments writing but with the loss of all my writing I find it difficult to be motivated. I know those last comments sound bitter but I just can't understand how someone can steal someones life and livelihood just so that can have what they want. If nothing else this whole situation has taught me to hate.

That being said, I do spend much of my time thinking these days. In particular my thoughts seem to be focused on a few subjects, which on some level are all intertwined together; fear, love, and the future.

Fear is a big one. It is not a subject that would normally occupy my mind but recent events have highlighted the affects it can have on a person's life. I realize now that it wasn't simply love that kept me in an abusive relationship, but fear as well. Fear of change. Fear of loss. Fear of harm and injury. Now that I have separated myself from that situation I find myself facing a new fear – one that I have never faced before – fear of not being able to open myself to loving again.

Which brings us to the second thing on my mind – love. Those of you who have followed this blog have probably came to realize that I am not a big, tough, take on the world, kind of kind. In reality I am much more of a lover than a fighter. But each of us defines love differently.

There are a host of books out there that will try and tell you what love is, how to find it, how to develop it, and how to hold on to it. What many fail to realize is that love can only be defined by each of us individually. It doesn't affect any two individuals the way. It doesn't develop along a set time line defined by some guru. It is at times an emotion so deep it can not be defined by the person feeling it let alone by someone else. It can also be painful and torturing when it is not understood, not acknowledged or appreciated, or outright rejected and abused. This is why many have closed their lives to others. This, I fear, is where I am at. I know that without love no man can be whole, but there comes a point where it is easier, less painful, to not feel and not be whole. This is how I see my future.

Speaking of the future, how can you plan for that? I have done all that short-term, mid-term, and long-term planning stuff. I was on the path to my goals until one monkey wrench was thrown in (literally in my case). A lot of good all those plans did me – look where I am now.

Plans are just something to allow you to define what went wrong when it inevitably does. I planned to take a friend on a motorbike ride with some of my co-workers, weeks ahead, and then their plans didn't match mine. I planned on having a lovely evening out at Cavalia with a good friend – their plans changed. Plans inevitably go awry. Not always a bad thing. The young mother and her daughter who used my Cavalia tickets benefited from my plans screwing up. I know by the chocolate muffins with “thank you” in nice thick yellow icing that I received today.

I know there is a quote somewhere that refers to the “best laid plans of mice and men” that would fit here, but I am sure you get the point.

That being said, I am a creature of habit, and I can not just wing it. So what are my plans? First of all I am going to get my blacksmithing set back up. I have avoided it up to now despite being offered some smithing jobs. I have let the fear of going into debt again to re-tool hold me back. It is time for me to be moving in one direction again.

My other plans. I suppose they center around the input of a friend right now. Sometime someone elses input is need to figure things out and get you on the right track.

Speed Boats & Super Tankers

 I remember reading that a sea-tanker, after its engines have been turned off, can take 5 or six miles to come to a complete stop, and another two miles to turn around. It occurs to me that people are much like boats of various sizes and shapes.

There are the super tankers who carry a heavy burden emotionally. It takes a strong will for them to change direction and even when they do it takes them 5 miles to slow down and even more to turn around.

Then there are the speed boats. These guys race ahead, sometimes pulling a load or two behind them, but when the driver decides to change direction it can happen with neck wrenching speed. Problem with this is if the driver doesn't know what he's doing he can just as quickly find himself in shallow water trying to avoid the jutting rocks.

What happens when a speed boat decides to join up with a super tanker? That super tanker sure as heck isn't going to speed up or suddenly change direction just to join the speed boat, even though it may want to. But if that speed boat can adjust to travel with the super tanker, it will find itself able to travel deeper waters, shelter from the storms, and able to cross waters it could never cross on its own. Sounds like a perfect partnership, assuming of course that speed boat driver can practice a little patience.

Now for those of you that think this Old Fart has gone off his rocker again and is speaking in riddles, well you are probably right. Those that know this Old Fart might actually understand this analogy, and perhaps even some that don't, but this is the concept that fills my mind these days, though I must say I am more prone to being the speed boat in this analogy. Patience is a virtue they say.

I could go on with this analogy. I know may tug boats, and yachts, a few cruise ships, and even a row boat or two. Oh, and I can't forget the canoes!!! This post is however starting to sound like a children's television show so I will stop here.

Optimistic

It has been a while since I have made a post here. Life has a strange way of getting in the way of living! When you look at where and why this blog initially started and where I am now it is quite amazing to see the transformation. The simple fact is that when this blog started I was really sure I was going to continue on with life. I was in a dark, ugly place and couldn't see a way out of it at that time. This blog, however, saved my sanity and my life according to those who know me, and even the mental health professional who encouraged this outlet for me rather than putting me on medications. I can't argue with them.

Have all my problems resolved now? Not really, but my life moves forward anyways. There are those who have pointed out that my “victim” mindset was completely in my control. Those people are not entirely wrong, though I suspect many of them have never been on my side of that statement. Have I fought back? I think this blog was partially my way of fighting back. I did pursue my complaint against a lawyer who chose to abuse the system (though as expected it seems nothing has come of this complaint). I have filed reports with the police when my ex continued to threaten me with bodily harm after her initial charges went through the courts. This is not something I would have done in the past but the fact that I have to move again so she or the people she is encouraging to help her do harm to me can not find me and I don't have to look over my shoulder or be afraid of going home has ticked me off enough that I refuse to be the victim again.

No, I am not throwing away my hard earned money on a lawyer to fight to get my tools, equipment, and family inheritances back. I hope that someday common sense may take over her rage and she does the right thing and returns this stuff. If not, the fact is what I would pay a lawyer for this fight will probably refurbish my shop and things are just that, things. There are far more important things in life than owning things. I wish her the best of luck as she continues with her horses, and equine dentistry, and hoof care work. I only pray that she finds the ability to maintain her animals and horses as they should be cared for in the future.

I set out in a new direction on the Easter week-end and despite the crappy weather which has kept me off my motorbike for the most part, that direction is taking me in strange and wonderful places. It is bringing new friends into my life, and renewing friendship with friends from long ago. I find myself opening up my heart, which a short time ago I wasn't sure I could put the pieces back together again, and that fact alone is opening up a whole new life for me, and opportunities I would not have seen otherwise.

In my spare time (of which there has not been a whole lot lately) I love to read and I have been keeping track of some quotes that I have found to be relevant to my life. Here are a few.

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift that is why they call it the present."

• Eleanor Roosevelt

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."

• Alexander Graham Bell

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans,"

• John Lennon

"Life is full of spontaneous surprises, so get ready.”

Why are these quotes relevant? They are relevant because the fact is, things really did start to get better as I looked forward rather than backward. They are relevant because, plan as I would, it is those things that you don't plan for, like moving suddenly or new people coming into your life, that are a part of life. They are relevant because seizing the opportunities of the present time, even those that are spontaneously thrown your way, are what make life enjoyable.

For me these opportunities include new friends, jobs I love, and most recently an incredible person that, despite my flaws (of which there are no doubt many), and despite having read through my rants and rages on this blog, has accepted me for what I am and let me be a part of her life. She found that last little pathway into that hardened shell around my heart and let herself in.

People at my age all come with some sort of baggage, and often those bags are loaded with piles of crap we have waded through and shovelled out of the way to get where we are now. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. The optimist in me (which has found its way back out after a long period in remission) says we can take those piles of crap, compost them, and use them to create a foundation for a wonderful rose garden.

Thanks to all who continue to write with their words of support and friendship.

Lonliness

I have always fancied myself a bit of a hermit (hence the pen name Mountain Hermit) but I am discovering that perhaps I am not. As we headed into the Easter holidays I have come to realize that there is a big empty space within me. This is the first holiday like this in a very, very long time that I have spent without having a partner in my life who I love and who returns that love. It has been that partnership, that intimacy, in the past that has been the stabilizing factor in my life. We have all heard the saying that people can be in the middle of a crowded room and still be lonely. It is hard to understand that until you are there.

My feelings are not unusual. In fact you can find entire scientific studies dedicated to what they term as “intimate isolation” or “emotional isolation.” This type of loneliness is apparently very different from other types, and apparently its effects far more profound. I find myself a very lucky man in that, despite my shyness (what I like to refer to as my anti-social behaviour) I have been able to find friends easily, and while I have been relatively estranged from my brother and sisters (by my own choices), they are always there for me (Something I realized as I took part in the first family gathering I have attended in many, many years). The intimate isolation does seem to affect me deeply though.


Memories shared over Easter dinner



I had stylin' clothes when I was young!

There is a Buddhist saying “To be without a reference point is the ultimate loneliness. It is also called enlightenment.” My partners have always been my reference point and I am obviously having a hard time finding the “enlightenment” so with the fair weather and a few days off work I decided to set off on my hog and search for that enlightenment. As one of the commentors on this blog said, “many great stories have started with a man who had nothing but his hog”. By the time I park the bike and return to the work world I will have put on more than three thousand kilometres through mountains, plains, hoodoos, cites, towns, and small communities, and thankfully have made a stop at the family Easter dinner.

My stops also included many small coffee shops as I wrapped my hands around a hot coffee cup to warm my fingers (it was perhaps not the finest weather for hitting the road on a hog), and small restaurants. Now I have spoke in the past of my tendency to eavesdrop in these places. Within one small coffee shop there can be found an entire world of stories and I was amazed to discover that on this long weekend there were many stories that reflected my reality. Perhaps it is because that is the place my head and heart were in that I picked these conversations out, but the stories were there to be heard.

Take for instance the student, sitting with their large group of friends and talking about the party they were at the night before and the party they were going to that night. Their phone rang and he answered it loudly (which I have a big problem with but that is a topic for another day). It was obvious from the side of the conversation I heard that this call was from family or friends he was not going to be able to be with during the holidays. The cheer went out of his voice, his body slumped like a half filled air bed, and he was quiet as he said good-bye. Even his friends noticed the change and asked about it. His response, “enough beer tonight will make it go away.” Loneliness? On some level I think so.

Then there was the old man sitting at the counter eating his supper. From his conversation with the staff behind the counter and others coming in and leaving the restaurant it was obvious he was a regular. When he was leaving he waved and cheerily commented on seeing them the same time tomorrow. I could see the concern in the waitresses eyes when she said they wouldn't be open because of Easter and I am pretty sure I heard the thud of the man's heart hitting the floor. The waitress, and several others offered invitations to the man to join them for Easter but he politely declined. Loneliness? I think I can relate to that one. From the conversations overheard his wife passed away at Christmas, his children are far away, and that restaurant had been his daily hangout since. There were tears in that small town restaurant. This man was not alone, but I am sure few he felt an emptiness that none of us can really understand tearing at his soul.

I was going to wait until my weekend was finished before I posted this blog but I felt compelled to let my readers know what I am seeing because they can help. Holidays are the times of the highest suicide rates, and loneliness is attributed as a leading factor in that. While you are spending time with your families and friends take some time to reach out and look around at others in your circle of life. You will not be able to eliminate that loneliness but you can help someone over the rough times just by being a friend and being there. Take my work on that one. Even the simplest gesture can make a world of difference in someones life.

I am heading off on my hog again in search of that "enlightenment".  Think I have a long way to go to find it.