Cantankerous Old Fart

Pulchraphilia

2012-02-07T03:27:00.000-07:00

Pulchraphilia

Before you run to get a bar of soap towash my mouth out with you should know that pulchraphilia is not abad word. If you try looking it up in the dictionary you are notlikely to find the word there since the word itself is a rather newcreation coined by a Jason McLennan sometime in 2010. I triedGoogling it and as near as I can tell the exact definition is stillsomewhat fluid so I will go with the definition provided by abrilliant man and long time friend.

Pulchraphilia (noun): The innate needto be surrounded by beautiful and well-designed environments with aparticular connection to nature.

It was this definition posted onFacebook by my friend that got me to thinking how those who designmotorbikes and ride them are probably pulchraphiliacs at heart. (Heyif someone else can create a word, Why can't I?) . Now given thatthe word “pulchraphilia” has it roots in the latin with‘pulchra’, meaning ‘beauty’, and ‘philia’, meaning ‘loveof’, pulchraphilia would be a love of beauty. This would of coursebe in direct opposition to those who design enclosed environmentsthat seal us of from the world around us, which based on my minimalcommand of latin would be coerceophilia, and those who lean towardsthose environments would by extension be coerceophiliacs, or asbikers know them, cagers.

With my little aside on the entomologyand creation of words aside, there is a point to this blog post thatdoes have to do with one of my favourite things, motorbikes.

There isn't much I haven't driven orrode in from a horse to a horse and buggy, to bikes (manual andmotorized), to cars, to trucks, to big rigs and tractors. The equinemodes of transportation provide you with a real connection to natureof course but the next best thing to me are motorbikes. As soon asyou close yourself in a car, or truck similar modes of transportationyou loose that connection with nature and the environment around you. These vehicles are designed to surround and enclose you (coerceo)and “protect” you from what is outside. They close you off fromthe sounds as radios blast while you are driving down the road. Theyclose you off from the scents as closed windows and dangling airfresheners lock you in a private world of odours. They close you offfrom sights as your vision is obscured by both the size of thevehicle and the structure surrounding you.

There is of course a trend among somebike designers towards coerceophilia as they create shrouds tosurround and enclose you on your motorbike, add stereos that blast soloud the biker and every vehicle within 100 yards can hear the music,and embed ipods and phones into helmets. Perhaps I am a purest, butthat feeling of the wind blowing by me, the sound of it rushing byand the sounds of the environment around me, the smells of the fieldsand forests as I pass through (the smell of smog and exhaust perhapsnot so pleasurable), and the unobstructed sight of everything aroundme – these are the things that make riding my motorbike a trulyspiritual experience.

The realization that I am notsurrounded by a wall of protection encourages me, perhaps even forcesme to be aware or my environment and engage it and interact withit. When a passenger joins me on my bike I have to react and respondto their small movements, creating communication and interaction on alevel totally different from everyday communication. As I cruisedown the road I am forced to analyze and assess the possible actionsof those around me in their mobile cages, a level of thought andconcentration as we normally move through our environment.

Could motorbike designers have anythingbut pulchraphilia in mind, even though their creations were launchedlong before the word? Pulchraphiliacs of the world unite – letthose coerceophiliacs of the world know what they are missing. Orperhaps not. Maybe we should just keep the secret to ourselves.

Our Homeless Are The Log In Our Eye

2012-01-19T04:04:00.000-07:00

Asour temperatures reach -30 celcius with windchills into the -40's Ifind my heart heavy. Not because I can't be out enjoying mymotorbike, but because there are those out, on the streets, with noplace to go and stay warm. It was close to a year ago that I hadfound myself in a very similar situation, although I did have theshelter of a car. Despite having that car when that car shut offwhile I was sleeping I was closer to freezing to death than I care toadmit.

Ihave kept a close eye on programs and services available to thosewithout homes since that time and not much has changed. There aregood people still trying to help, but so many still fall through thecracks. New programs have been announced but what I don't see areprograms being developed with the input of those that are homeless. Sure some of those being consulted were homeless at some point intheir lives, but much of what is being done is being decided bypeople who “know what's best” and are telling the homeless whatthey need. Programs like this have failure written all over them.

Thereis something else that really bothers me, and though it may offendmany, the fact that it happens offends me enough that I will risk theire of some of my readers. In this city, and citys throughout thecountry there are churches – massive structures designed to holdnumerous people with the heat running and, sadly, the doors locked! I personally don't know that God, any god, says leave your poor andsuffering out in the streets, hungry, cold, and with no shelter.

Iunderstand that in times such as these there are dangers, bothhealth and physical, in bringing strangers into your own home. I amalso aware that governments, local, municipal, and on up, have put inplace limitations and restrictions on what and were these individualswithout homes can be gathered and housed, so the fault does not liewithin the churches or the people of the churches alone. It is thegeneral malaise of society that has us directing our leaders to herdand house the homeless away from everyone else as though they arelepers and the dregs of society that need to be separated andisolated.

Anyone of us could find ourselves among this group. Many of us live onepaycheck away from being on the street. Disasters can hit anyone ofus at any moment leaving individuals and communities without shelteror food. And none of us can control the actions and behaviours ofother individuals that can leave us reeling and without resources.

Whilethis may sound like a rant against the churches and society it isnot. It is merely the observations of an individual who has been onboth sides of this picture. My observations also tell me though thatthere are many good people out there to. People on both sides of thepicture. Individuals who know that actions speak louder than words. Whether motivated by their religious beliefs, or merely by theirsense of responsibility for their fellow man, there are those who areopen, and understanding, and non-judgemental who will help where theycan, when they can. People who realize that while we are trying tocure the ills of the world in other societies, we leave others tofalter out our own back doors.

Thereis a quote in the Bible that says something to the effect of “Whydo you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not noticethe log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother,`Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log inyour own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye,and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother'seye.” Our homeless are the log in our eye (at least they are oneof the many logs in our eye).

Yes,I am fully aware that I am voicing a judgement when I probably have afew huge logs of my own stuck in my eye. But if one person readsthis and takes an action that helps someone else in even the smallestway I have accomplished what I wanted to. As you head into the coffeeshop, the restaurant, or the grocery store keep in mind that personsitting out on the street. In this deathly cold weather invite themin with you and buy them a coffee or a meal. Take a few minutes toget to know them. You may be surprised what you find out and evenlearn. And as you make donations to help individuals in othercountries keep in mind that we ourselves are doing the same to ourown people.

Self Portraits

2012-01-10T03:38:00.002-07:00

There are artists that have recordedtheir lives in a series of self portraits painted or drawn over manyyears. It is interesting to examine these portraits. As you comparethe portraits from a person's youth to those of the older artist itoften appears as though the images of the more senior artist reflectmore of an internal insight than just the simple external appearance. Of course, this may simply be the result of the skills of the artistimproving over time, enabling them to transfer that inner person tothe canvas.

All of us though, artists or not,have a self portrait that we try and present to the world each andevery day. As children that self portrait is a true reflection ofour inner selves, concealing nothing. As we age though we developthis image of ourselves (in a sense a self portrait) and to make thatimage reality it is what we present to others around us.

It is just my personal opinion, but Ithink that for most of us that self portrait we present doesn'treally reflect our true selves until much later in our lives, afterexperiencing life and its many twists and turns and gaining thewisdom that comes with that experience.

Don't misunderstand me. I am by nomeans saying that I am wise, though I do hope I have gained somewisdom over the years. There is a school of thought though thatstates that true wisdom lies in knowing what you don't know, not whatyou do know. In my case there is a hole lot I don't know which wouldmake me truly wise.

Eckhart Tolle said “On a deeper levelyou are already complete. When you realize that, there is a playful,joyous energy behind what you do.” Maybe that is why as a childour self portraits are such a true reflection of our inner self. Aschildren we let that playful, joyous energy shine through ineverything we do, though it doesn't take long for the world to startmuzzling that. It isn't until much later in life that many of us letthe world do what it wants and we return to that childlike state.

If I tried to remember all the selfportraits I would have painted of myself over the years they would bemany an varied but in many ways I think I have come full circle. Asa child there were a few things that I truly enjoyed. Writing wasone of them, and that has stuck with me in some form or anotherthroughout my entire life. Riding my bike was another, though atthat time my bike was a CCM pedal bike (just a few less horsepowerthen my current bike). I travelled the world on that bike – wellat least the world of North Bay, for hours on end with my friends,exploring and discovering everything there was to discover.

What would my self portraits look likeif I had to describe them? I think if I was to use motorbikes atmetaphors for my life I probably started my life as a classic IndianChief motorbike, basic, typical for the time, good looking, and fun. I went from there to a custom chopper (after-all everyone wants to becool in their teenage years).

From there I would have been a crotchrocket, racing ahead in life trying to get the prize.

At some pointI became an old Ural, rode hard, beat up, barely hanging together,but still an inner strength to me for someone to discover.

Now, Ipicture myself as that Indian Chief again, with the classic softlines (and getting softer by the day) but easy going, laid back, andenjoying life.

Full circle! I no doubt missed a fewversions of myself in there which my friends will remind me about butthis is a self portrait.

So what do your self portraits looklike?

Calgary Motorcycle Show

2012-01-08T13:23:00.000-07:00

We attended the Calgary Motorcycle Showyesterday and as always it was impressive, but lacking a little bit over past years. Other than the throngs of people moving through theRound-Up Center (am I the only person who gets totally annoyed whentwo people stop to talk in the middle of a narrow aisle forcingeveryone to try and navigate around them) there was some interestingthings to see.

While the new models are impressive Ijust don't seem to like the lines of most of them. Perhaps I am oldschool but I prefer the softer lines of many of the old bikes withoutall the adornments and gadgets. There were several “custom” bikeshops there who all seem to do nice work, but most of the bikes theyhad were just rehashes of the usual custom rides, nice but nothingthat stood out to me.

Calgary Motorcycle Show

Sadly missing from the show this yearwas the extensive display of vintage rides. They did have a fewout, but nowhere near what has been at the show in the past. Theusual display of truly unique and quality custom rides wasn't thereeither. It is great that so many new people are getting intomotorbikes and I understand it is a business so dedicating the spaceto new bikes makes sense but I think we are missing something by nothaving the opportunity to appreciate the vintage rides and the uniquecustom work.

Of course the new Indian bikes werethere, and while they maintained some of their classic lines theyjust aren't the same with all the electronics and modern amenities onthem. I want an Indian but what I want is the 1945 Indian Chief. That's not asking too much, is it? I'll take it in parts and piecesif I have to but some day . . .

5 Simple Rules To Live By

2012-01-04T16:52:00.003-07:00

As we were cleaning out a room to setup a new office space and a new home for my desk my partner cameacross a well worn little slip of paper. On this paper were “5Simple Rules To Be Happy”. It was given to her many years ago byone of her friends when she was going through a rough time and itstayed on her desk at work for a long time, and with her for a muchlonger time. Theses rules kind of hit home when I read through them.

Free you heart from hatred.
Free your mind from worries.
Live Simply
Give More
Expect Less

Pretty simple when you look at them,and pretty effective when you put them into practice. The first onereally resonates with me because it is so easy for many of us tohate, but we fail to recognize that our hearts are much like the gastank on a motorcycle (or any other vehicle for that matter).

Okay, okay, I can hear the eyes rollingback as many of my readers try and figure out just how I am going toequate a motorcycle's gas tank and a heart. It is pretty simplereally!

Your gas tank has a limited capacity. Now you can put anything you want into that gas tank from high octanefuel, to regular fuel (I shudder at the thought), to sugar. As youfly down the open road you get that sense of thrill and joy, using upsome of that fuel. The wider you open the throttle, the faster youfly, the greater the sense of thrill and joy. All the time, whileyou are burning off that fuel you are making room for more fuel to gointo that tank. If you fill that tank with crap fuel or anythingelse, you are not going to get anywhere fast as your system plugs upand possibly shuts down altogether which means there is no room toput in new fuel.

Our hearts are much the same. If wefill them with love it will take us flying through life and the morelove we give, the more we receive. If you fill your heart withhatred it will stop you dead in your tracks. It will sit and rot andfester and leave no room for anything good to enter your heart.

So clean out the crud and fill yourheart with some high octane fuel. You will be amazed at theresults!!

The Year Ahead

2011-12-28T17:13:00.000-07:00

As this Christmas moves into our rearview mirrors it becomes a time of reflection and planning for many,the preparations to enter the new year with a plan of action. I findmyself with a lot to reflect after a whirlwind (or perhaps tornadowould be the more appropriate descriptor) year, and some excitingplans. It was almost a year ago that this blog started as my thoughtprocess after finding myself on the streets, with virtually nothing. The blog was a bitter, sad, angry compilation when it started. Ithas progressed over the year to something more, which thankfully manyseem to enjoy.
I hope that this blog always encouragesits readers to think about others, and helps those in tough places tofind some small bit of hope. I hope it encourages some comtemplationand deliberation. I hope it reveals some perspectives on life andthe people around us that may not be so obvious to everyone. Thereare those individuals who take from others and take no concern indestroying the lives of others in pursuit of their own goals. Whatever their reasons or motivations, I can't help but feel a littlesorry for these people because I don't think they can ever really behappy.

One of the things I would like to dowith this blog is introduce you to others who have come from toughplaces and situations and are working to overcome their challenges. I am looking for suggestions from my readers on individuals whosestories would be of interest to others. In keeping with the theme ofthis website, if these individuals ride a motorbike it would befantastic. I am looking for people who live within a days bike ridefrom Calgary so I can ride out on the motorbike, sit down and have acoffee and conversation, maybe go for a ride, then head back home andshare this person's stories with my readers here and at Motorbike Zen.

In the next year I will be returning tosome of the work that I truly love. My blacksmithing andhorseshoeing. After the year long hiatus Steppin' On the FrogFarrier Service will be starting back up. I will be starting to takeon new clients in late February and March and am pretty excited aboutreturning to horses in this capacity. I will also be retooling myshop and taking on more blacksmithing projects as Akasha Forge &Foundry.

Of course I will be eagerly awaitingthe arrival of bike riding weather so I can return to the open roadsand enjoy the wind rushing past me, my partner holding on tight to mywaist as we lean into the corners.

I look forward to a good year ahead andI hope all of you have a good year as well.

The Spirit of Christmas

2011-12-26T10:23:00.002-07:00

“It's the most wonderful time of theyear” or so the song tells us. Unfortunately for many that is notthe reality of Christmas. Christmas time is in fact one of the mostdepressing and stressful times of the year.

Now if you are a biker like me it is adepressing and stressful time of year because are rides are closed upand covered up in some garage or shed just waiting for the sun toshed enough warmth on our part of the world to allow us to ride theblacktop again. It is not just bikers that don't like this time ofyear though, but individuals from all walks of life.

Personally I find Christmas achallenging, difficult, and frustrating time of year. Frustratingbecause, unlike the song says, I find Christmas to be the mosthypocritical time of the year. Everyone get's into the “Christmasspirit” as Christmas approaches, loving and giving and helpingother people and a variety of causes. They give, and help andsupport – until Christmas is over – and then they forget that joyand peace, the people and causes, and retreat into their own selfishlittle worlds for another 11 1/2 months. Of course many retreat intothose worlds because they are busy dealing with the excesses of theChristmas season. After-all it is no longer the thought behind thegift that counts, but the value and size and whether or not it keepsup with the neighbours.

Hard times can fall on any of us at anytime. Many fail to realize that. I failed to the true reality ofthat up until the last year, and were it not for the loving andcaring of people who truly carry the spirit of Christmas in theirhearts year round I could easily be having my Christmas at leastalone, if not worse. My best Christmas gifts this year are theability to spend it with people I love and care for, and who feel thesame about me; time I get to spend with family (though there arefamily and friends I wish I could just reach out and tell them howmuch I love them); the fact I have a roof over my head; and a job Itruly love.

The fact that this Christmas season inCalgary is warm enough to get my bike out for a ride is a bonus.

I truly hesitate to wish anyone a merryChristmas – but I will wish for all that they keep the spirit ofChristmas in their hearts year round and with everyone you deal with.May the spirit of Christmas haunt you through each and every day ofyour life.

Perfect . . . .

2011-10-01T12:14:00.000-06:00

Perfect storm. Perfect day. Perfectride. They are all different but the same, a situation created by arare combination or concurrence of factors the alter a situationdramatically. In the case of a perfect storm that combination offactors that all too often results in devastation and destruction. That combinations of factors can result in a hurricane, a tornado, orin our own personal realities, the destruction of our lives andpersonal realities.

A perfect day is very similar to aperfect ride, something every biker seeks on each ride out. It isthe combination or weather, road conditions, traffic levels, scenery,companions and friends, starting and ending locations, food, drink,and so much more. It is a unique combination that you know you couldnever have planned, or even dreamed up on your own. A concurrencethat you will never be able to duplicate no matter how hard you try,and if even if you could, it will not be perfect the next timebecause timing is everything.

The nice thing about a perfect ride isthat you can have more than one. It is never the same ride, butgiven time and patience another perfect ride will inevitably comeyour way.

Life does not often throw a perfectsituation your way. Life is in fact all about imperfections and thechallenges in dealing with them. It is hard to imagine people, whoin their very nature are about as imperfect as you can get, gettingtogether to create a perfect situation. Even if they could you justknow that someone involved is going to rethink that perfect process - and spoil it.

We are often encouraged to “go withthe flow” as we live out our daily lives, to not push againstprevailing behaviour, norms and attitudes. While going with the flowcan be a key part of that perfect experience we often fail to realizethat truly being part of that perfect experience may mean steppingoutside of those accepted norms. It takes real courage to do this. Jim Hightower said that “The opposite for courage is not cowardice,it is conformity. Even a dead fish can go with the flow.”

I recently came across one of thosesituations. Had I gone with the flow I would have missed out on a“perfect storm” that would change my personal reality. Aconfluence of factors that, if I let my logical mind get in the way,would have passed before I knew it. Instead I chose to experienceand encourage this confluence of factors – the result – a ride(through life) that may not be perfect (because I am unfortunatelynot perfect (but don't tell anyone else please)) will no doubt beenjoyable.

Fall has gripped us firmly now,softening us up for winter's blow, which unfortunately means therearen't a lot of great riding days left but I wish all my readers aperfect ride, on their bike and in their life.

Contemplating the Uncontemplatable - Lawyers Again!!

2011-08-30T18:40:00.001-06:00

Well after much thought, and the input of friends and family, I am going to meet with a law firm that has contacted me through this blog and offered to help me pro bono get back “what is mine.” (their words not mine.) I trust lawyers less than I trust my ex, which is unfortunately pretty bad, but I would love to have all my trade tools and equipment, my family heirlooms, and my writing back.

I am very torn over this decision at the moment because the last thing I want to do is make my ex's life more difficult than it probably already is, nor do I want to run up more bills for her because in the end it is only that animals and the children that suffer. Getting the missing pieces of my life back only to destroy hers in the process is not the right thing to do but maybe these guys have a better plan, though I have never known a lawyer that didn't want to start by going for the heart and settling for nothing less than ripping out the groin.

I will keep my faithful readers updated.

Bonds

2011-08-29T20:57:00.000-06:00

There is something that draws bikers together as a group, a community of sorts. Riding that motorbike automatically enters you into a group that has a comraderie that I have seldom seen among other groups. Now I know the first thing jumping into the minds of most cagers is the nefarious motorbike gangs that they hear about in the news all the time, but that is not what I am referring to. What I am referring to is that simple little, at times almost invisible, wave that is exchanged between bikers as they pass each other.
If you have been driving behind a person on a motorbike you may have noticed this action as two bikes pass each other in opposite directions. The left hand lifts off the grip and drops down to below the grip or lower and forms a sign, unique to every rider, as the rider coming in the other direction does exactly the same thing. If you blink you will miss it, it is so subtle in most cases, but between bikers it is enough to recognize that common mindset.
They don't know each each other. They may never see each other again. But they know they have something in common between each other. A unique bond.
It is always amusing as a rider when you come across someone new to the community. These are the riders who are driving down the highway at 60 miles an hour and joyfully raise their hand high in the air to greet the oncoming biker. We have all experienced the sensation as a kid of sticking our arms out the window and feeling the wind push your arm backwards. Well picture this happening to a hand that is quickly raised in acknowledgement to an oncoming rider. The picture the other riders laughter as he watches that hand counter rotate around the shoulder of the newbie rider, flinging it back behind them flailing in the wind. It doesn't take a new rider long to avoid that from happening again.
Bonds are fragile things though. Temporary. Fleeting. If you don't work at keeping those bonds together they soon fracture and tear apart, sometimes never to be repaired. Even if you try to repair them they are never the same, and sometimes you do more damage than just leaving them be. Think of those repair jobs that you have seen where someone tried to repair something and when they were done all you had left was a piece of junk with extra glue out the seams, extra nails sticking out, doors or drawers not lining up, and just a general mess that would have been better off left alone. The person's doing the repair may have been motivated just to try and bring a thing a beauty back to original lustre or some semblance thereof – the best of intentions gone awry.
Those are the thoughts going through my mind as I enjoyed a ride on one of the warmest days of summer, which is nearing an end all too soon. A couple of quotes come to mind as I contemplate this. The first is from Emily Dickinson:

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune - - without the words,

And never stops at all.

The second is from Christian Nevell Bovee:

“No man is happy without a delusion of some kind. Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities.”

As an aside, while doing some research for a website I am developing for a client I came across some interesting images. I thought I would share these with you.

Riding The Curves With A Friend

2011-08-22T10:53:00.000-06:00

“Hold tight in the turns.”

That, I believe was the closing line in a recent email from one of this blogs readers. (I don't know for sure because I was unfortunately a little quick with the delete key. I do apologize to this reader. I like to take the time to personally respond to all emails.) Now this may not mean much to those to don't ride a bike, but to those who do corners are an entirely different concept. Why? Counter steering!
What is counter steering? Don't worry that you don't know because the fact is, even many motor bikers, though they do it every day, don't know what counter steering is. It is probably the most difficult concept for those who teach motorbike drivers courses to explain. The basic concept is this. You steer into the the turn but as you continue the turn, you counter steer, or steer out of the turn as you lean into the turn. This is counter-intuitive to those that don't ride a motorbike but the fact is the more you turn into a corner, the more upright a motorcycle stays. Combine staying upright with the concept of g-force which wants to pull you out of the corner and you find yourself either driving into the other lane of traffic, the ditch, or worse.
Now add to this formula the loose gravel, pot holes, oil slicks and variety of obstacles that suddenly appear on the ground beneath your wheels as you lean deep into your turn, just encouraging your tires to loose traction and slip out from under you. Of course if you ride that turn truly fearlessly (or like a crazy lunatic depending on your point of view) you can find yourself leaning so far that your foot peg is scraping the ground just seeking out an opportunity to grab hold so your rubber completely removes itself from the road and your leathers (if you are smart) and skin embed into the rough pavement.
Riding the curves on a motorbike can be exciting, enthralling, exhilarating, exasperating, scary, frightening, bone chilling, and death defying – all at the same time. Riding the curves in life is very much the same experience. You live your life with a final destination in mind (other than death), a goal of sorts. As you head towards your destination every once in a while you find yourself facing a curve in the road that you just have to ride out. You turn it to it, knowing it is taking you off track, so you counter steer, in an effort to get back on path. You might ride that curve a little fast. You might lean into it a little hard. The choice is always up to you on how you ride that curve, and in the end you are either going to find yourself pulling out, or crashing and burning. If you do find yourself pulling out you may find yourself heading in an entirely new direction.
I recently had one of those curves thrown in my path. I had pretty much decided that I wanted nothing to do with animals anymore. Just as I put that down on paper I received a phone call from someone saying they had got one of my basset hounds from a rescue that had found it wandering the back country a couple hours north of Edmonton. Leaves me wondering what has happened with all the other animals. Anyway, to make a long story short, I have my old friend back and I love it. I won't be rushing out to add more animals to my life but having my old friend back in my life has raised my spirits and given me hope. This is a curve I had to lean hard into but as I pull out of it I am still heading in the same direction, only now I have a friend to accompany me.

Skill

2011-08-18T17:19:00.002-06:00

A bit of a step out from my usual blog but I came across a video of a police officer in a motorbike rodeo that demonstrates some incredible skill. I would love to just attempt this course - as long as it wasn't on a bike I would have to repair when it dropped!! Check it out.
Incredible Riding Skill

Motorbike Zen - A New Website

2011-08-14T20:16:00.000-06:00

Since starting this blog I have received a lot of email, much of it from perfect strangers. The writers offer words or encouragement, support, and understanding, but much of what I have received lately are from people who have used their motorbikes in their healing process as well. There have been some great stories and it occurred to me that I should not be the only person to hear them so I have created a new website called Motorbike Zen.
If you have a story of motorcycles and healing I encourage you to add it to the website.

Introspection - Two Steps Forward One Step Back

2011-08-10T22:42:00.002-06:00

With my birthday imminent I find myself quite introspective. Not that the birthday is any milestone, but at 45 did expect to be at a much different point in my life, and definitely not a mere six months from starting every over again.
One of the most enjoyable experiences for me is hopping on my motorbike, strapping a tent and sleeping bag to the back, and heading out in a direction. Any direction. Choosing roads and turns because they look interesting or fun, or because someone you have met on your journey recommended a certain path. You may not get far fast, but the sites, the people, and the experience make it all worthwhile. Not that the journey is totally random. I always leave with a direction in mind, and usually an intended destination, and unfortunately a time line that returns me to the “responsibilities” of daily living.

Travelling this way does at time have its challenges, as you may expect. Not every road is as smooth as racing down the highway. Some of the roads you choose may have more winds and twists in than you expect, and while they may make the ride more exciting, slow down the trip significantly. Some roads, while providing a beautiful sideline to your journey, are dead ends and leave you backtracking for part of your trip before being able to resume direction to your ultimate destination. As long as you keep the rubber on the road and the shiny side up it's always a good journey, and the rough patches that make for part of the story.
I suppose, in retrospect, the way I enjoy riding my motor bike is a a metaphor for how I have lived my life. I remember as a young boy in North Bay, Ont., writing down my planned destination for my life in my journal. I was going to be a writer, a musician, and a craftsman living on a sprawling ranch with my own roaming herd of horses. I believe at the time my idea of the ranch was something about the size of the Ponderosa from Bonanza (which according to the internet would have been a mere 600,000 acres), but if you are going to dream, dream big! The route I was taking to get to that final destination was anything but direct, with plenty of side trips, but I was well on my way. Just didn't plan on a raging cager (in biker terminology) running me down before I could reach my destination.
I am six months out from that major life crash and that combined with the pending birthday finds me not only introspective, but confused, and pensive, and perhaps even bewildered and befuddled. The deeper I look the more confused I seem to get.
Writing has always been an intrinsic part of my life. Whether it has just been in my journals, or in letters and reports, in technical documents and text books and business plans, on the web, and in books and magazine articles, writing has been the one constant on my journey. Much of that writing sadly disappeared with my last partner (the raging cager I referred to earlier) and I fear is gone forever. Gratefully some of it has been found again in the forms of copies of my published books contained in the archives of the Canadian National Library. Writing did in fact save my life. Had I not used it to think out loud and communicate through this blog I am not sure (in fact I am very confident) that I would have made it through a very trying time.

Writing has always been, and will always be, the keystone in the bridge to the rest of my journey. Music on the other hand has sadly been waylaid somewhere along the roads I have taken. I am not sure at what point it was waylaid, or if it just simply faded into the background as other priorities in the moment took its place. If I had to pinpoint the time that music began to fade I think it faded away as certain friendships of my youth faded away. That road I took away from the music is one of those that I think I need to follow back to its source and head down a different route. There was a time when I would quickly learn any instrument I had the pleasure of touching (though drums simply eluded me). It was often a bit of a competition between my closest friend and I at who could master what instrument the best. I believe it is time to bring some of that music back. My guitars also disappeared with my writing but I think I am going to spend some time in the wood shop and build my own. An interesting challenge to my craftsman skills and, I hope, a motivator to play again.
The craftsman is well on its way. Through great teachers and coworkers I believe my skills as a blacksmith do qualify me as a craftsman and I truly love working with metal and wood. It is work but it is also very therapeutic at the same time. Of course all of my tools need to be replaced. This is one of those things that remains a source of confusion for me. How can someone who once proclaimed they loved you more than anything take everything that is you, everything you needed to continue your work and career, all of your family inheritances and history, and disappear with it leaving you literally sleeping in the streets in the middle of an ice cold winter? I just can't make sense of it or understand it, and while I know that holds me back there is a need within me to find an answer.
That being said, I have been given opportunities to continue with my blacksmithing, moving forward a step at a time, building my shop up again one tool at a time. I did it once before and I will do it again.

As for my dream of the Ponderosa, there is no room in my heart for that anymore. While I miss the work of being a farrier, and helping horses that needed help, the part they played in destroying a family makes them difficult to even look at for me. I realize that it was absolutely no fault of the horses, and that the obsession, and compulsion my partner had for horses was not healthy for her, me, or our family. I suppose that my guilt for allowing that problem to cause suffering for the horses and the family plays a big part in not having room in my heart for them anymore. The dogs I loved, my Saint Bernards and Basset Hounds disappeared as well and, while I enjoy being around my friend's dogs, I am still heart broke at the thought of Fritter and Glory not being in my life anymore. When I see a Basset or Saint my heart hits the floor and it is difficult to hold the tears back.
I think the dream of the Ranch has been crushed and I don't know what will fill that empty space yet. That is part of the search I am on I suppose. But the deep truth is there is another space that I struggle to fill. The space that was filled by a friend and partner that I could share my life was so brutally torn open that the jagged edges left behind don't really allow anyone else to fit into that hole. It is not that there haven't been beautiful, wonderful people who have cared about me and tried to fit into that space, but the truth is the most damaged thing in this entire experience has been my faith and trust in people. I am a loving and caring individual, and it cuts deep when I can't find it in myself to trust, care, and love others.
I know there is much more healing to take place. I don't know that there ever really be an opening for that friend and partner that I desire but just can't let in.
My birthday is a milestone to me. The beginning of beginning my life's journey over. Setting out on a new road with new directions and new choices, though this time with no destination really in site. It is the destination that I am searching for.
The journey begins as I climb onto my bike and head off into the sunset!

Cages & Cagers - Continued

2011-08-06T20:24:00.000-06:00

Coffee with a close friend made me realize that my Cagers and Cages blog could use a little expanding. Her situation reminded me of another cage, one not of our own creation, that often closes in our lives, sickness.

This beautiful young woman recently found herself diagnosed with stage 3 cancer involving her kidney, liver, and lymph nodes. The options are simple – cut her open and remove what they can or leave it, because chemo apparently won't touch this cancer. This free spirit had this escape proof cage dropped over her from nowhere and she feels much like any animal would as a cage trapped them and closed around them. Scared. Angry. Bitter. Sad. Worried. All feelings which are cages of their own.
I know it it no real comparison for what my friend is currently facing, but I recently abandoned my motorbike for a couple of days, tired of riding in the rain, and used my van for my daily commute. The feeling of being enclosed in that shell as I drove to work was claustrophobic and smothering. I imagine this is only a small sample of how my friend and others feel when their lives are suddenly closed in by sickness and illness.
Shakespeare wrote “Now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by this sun of York”. As a biker every winter is my winter of discontent as snow and ice keep me off my ride and and in my cage, but I get through it knowing the summer sun will free me once again. For my friend and others like her I wish that a summer sun comes for them, releasing them from their cages.

Cages & Cagers

2011-08-06T11:37:00.000-06:00

Cager – according to the Urban Dictionary a popular word among motorcyclists and bicyclists for four wheeled motor vehicle drivers. The term is often used in a derogative sense, because the car body effectively forms a cage, isolating the said driver from having to interact with other road users. Recent Harley Davidson commercials feautred this concept as a rider cruised through the city streets while everyone around him are locked in their cages.
I recently had the pleasure of an interaction with one of these cagers, driving down the road directly beside me in their hot little sportscar, music blaring so loud the car was bouncing with the base beats, mindlessly switching lanes directly into my side while on my other side a tractor trailer unit blocked my escape options. Behind us cars honked loudly seeing the impending accident but the sportscar driver was oblivious to sounds outside his cage. It wasn't until the sound of my boot against his passenger door echoed in his car that this driver even realized I was there.
My experience isn't unique among bikers unfortunately. It illustrates not only the hazards for bikers, but the way many of us live our lives. In a cage. Often of our own creation. Isolating us from others and from really interacting with the world around us.
These cages can take many forms and we all have one of some sort. Limiting our interactions to individuals of a certain social class, religious belief, or political belief is a cage. Living your life and making decisions based on certain books and theories is a cage. Dressing and decorating based on trends is a cage. If it's not a Harley it's not a real bike is a cage! If it is not a Dodge it is not a real truck is a cage!
All of these cages limit our interactions with others, and limit the way we enjoy and experience life. These cages though, are cages of our own creation that we can easily break out of. There are other cages though that while we may create them or innocently put ourselves in them, they are not so easily broken out of.
How many of us have the bars of our cages formed by debt, and find that cage getting smaller and smaller every day. We enter that debt innocently and with the best of intentions, though more often than not for things we want, rather than need, and regardless of your ability to pay that debt back, it still creates limits on your life, bars on your cage.
Then there are other cages even more severe and limiting. People find themselves in situations of abuse and violence, the bars on their cage created by their desire to appear happy, or preserve their family. Bars so strong that what it takes to break them often destroys the person trapped in that cage.

Age and Beauty!!

2011-08-03T20:02:00.002-06:00

I leaned against the soft leather seat of my Roadstar today at the gas pump, eating a chocolate bar before hitting the road again. The sun glistened of my new wax job and I idly rubbed a smudge on the fuel tank. I watch with interest as an old Ural with a sidecar pulled up to the other side of the pump. The bike was strapped down with gear and and older couple, as well weathered as their ride, climbed of the bike and out of the sidecar and stretched. I couldn't help but admire the old bike and this of course got me talking with its riders.

The gentleman, a man I think was well into his 70's, happily volunteered every last detail about the Ural and its sidecar. Amazingly he could tell me where every scratch and ding came from and he did so with pride. “That machine is just like me,” he said. “I ain't so pretty myself but every line tells a tale and we earned every one of them.” And those lines, on the bike and the man, did have some amazing tales to tell as I found out when I took the opportunity to join the couple for a coffee.

A WWII Ural and Side Car

This couple had been on the road since May, taking a ride they took 30 years ago on the same bike to Alaska where they planned to stay for a while. They had been forced to sell their farm in the early spring after a lifetime of farming. The woman, told me how the bankers got most of it and what they didn't get, the neighbours bought up at cents on a dollar at auction. “Never forgive those vultures,” she said quite vehemently.

The good nature of some people shone through in their story as well. One of their neighbours had purchased that Ural bike and sidecar at the auction. A week later this couple stepped out the door of the house they were renting to find that bike pulling into their driveway, cleaned up and obviously tuned up. The rider climbed off the bike, handed over the helmet and said “she's got a lot of romantic rides left in her and you guys should be taking them.” He was their neighbour for as long as they could remember and he wouldn't take a cent for the bike. He just hopped into the truck his son had followed him in and left.

“I just hated that man when he got that bike for next to nothing at the auction,” the woman said. “I knew it broke my husbands heart more than loosing the farm. That act though restored our faith in people. It was that day we decided to make this trip again and set our roots somewhere else.”

The old guy laughed and added “We ain't got much time left in us to set roots, but we're like those funny little Japanese trees that roots are exposed and they are all bent out of shape and all. All that stress and hardship makes those things beautiful.”

I couldn't agree with him more and watched longingly as they climbed onto their bike and headed North, wishing I could join them on the trip instead of just continuing on my daily commute. As I continued by my ride home a passage came to mind from a book I had read called Cold Mountain.
I looked up the passage I had bookmarked when I got home.

You could grieve endlessly for the loss of time and for the damage done therein. For the dead, and for your own lost self. But what the wisdom of the ages says is that we do well not to grieve on and on. And those old ones knew a thing or two and had some truth to tell, Inman said, for you can grieve your heart out and in the end you are still where you were. All your grief hasn't changed a thing. What you have lost will not be returned to you. It will always be lost. You're left with only your scars to mark the void. All you can choose to do is go on or not. But if you go on, it's knowing you carry your scars with you.

I know I have added more than a few scars to my collection recently and I can only hope that as I carry them with me that they look as good on me as they did on that couple I just enjoyed coffee with. May their ride be safe and fun, and I hope they can bring some joy and wisdom to to others as they have to me.

Impromptu Phone Experiment

2011-08-02T21:50:00.000-06:00

Here is my motorcycle advice for the day. If you are going to carry your cell phone in your pocket do one of three things; make sure it is off, or make sure the keyboard lock is on, or make sure it is in a pocket in which keys are not going to get randomly pushed without your knowledge!!!

If you haven't figured out where this is going, let me tell you. I for some strange reason placed my blackberry in my front pocket as I hopped on my bike for a quick hop of to the gas station. Now my phone rarely rings, but by the time I pulled into the service station it was vibrating away like crazy. I pulled it out to find multiple messages from people asking if everything was okay in one way or another. Many of the messages came from people I rarely talk to. This had me totally baffled. What did they know that I didn't?

A little digging revealed that while I was cruising down the highway my phone had somehow had the right set of keys pushed to send out a text message consisting of a sad face and an angry face to many of the people on my contact list. For those on my list I do apologize for this, but it did turn out to be an interesting experiment of sorts. Of the numerous text messages my pocket sent out I got responses from only a few who were concerned about me and the contents of the text they just received. A couple of the responses came from people clear across the country and a couple from people I may have only spoken to a time or two. What was more telling was the ones who did not respond. Curious results to this impromptu experiment and I am still not quite sure how to interpret the results but I would like to say a deep thanks to those who responded with concern.

On a different subject, part of moving forward in my life is developing some new, healthy habits. In the process of researching this I came across Zen Habits Blog . It is worth taking a look at as you tour the internet.

Putting A Shine On It.

2011-07-31T06:32:00.002-06:00

I took the opportunity today to give my bike some TLC. My many rides have resulted in much road grime and bugs forming a thick layer over the thing of beauty that lies underneath. For those of you that think a motorcycle is a 10 minute cleaning job, think again.

First you have to remove that thick layer of bug debris that has become a hardened crust on the front of the bike. Then you need to wash and rinse the bike to remove all the other dirt. Then, if you are perhaps a little bit anal about the shine on your bike to do another round of cleaning using clay and lubricant to get that last layer of dirt and bring out the natural shine in your paint. After that comes the chrome polish and the wax. None of this is quick and easy as the many nooks and crannys are difficult to get at. And I haven't even touched the leather yet. Patience is indeed a virtue when it comes to cleaning and polishing a motorcycle but it is a virtue that I need much training in anyways.

As I spent this time I noticed every little scratch in the paint, every spot the chrome has pitted and rust is taking its death grip, every dent the hail has left, every flaw. To anyone else that looks at my bike, especially after it has been cleaned up, it is a truly beautiful machine. All that polish and wax gives it an appearance of near perfection. But the truth is underneath that polish is something that needs a lot more TLC.

What does the condition of my bike have to with anything other than my obvious anal fixation on the condition of my bike. Probably nothing, but it occurred to me as I caressed the wax into the curves of my bike just how similar this was to how I presented my life to others. I put on a polish of sorts, covering up the scratches and damage that lied underneath, eating away at the foundation. What others saw was what I wanted them to see, not the reality of the situation. Of course it makes it all the more easy to conceal the problems you are living through when most of society prefers to look at the world through rose coloured stain glass windows, never wanting to see the “bad” stuff.

As I try to understand this journey I am on it leads me to stories of others in similar situations. Family and friends of people who are hoarding horses, cats, or any of a variety of animals. Men and women who are being assaulted by their spouses and are in deep in domestic abuse situations. In all these cases the people involved step out into the world with a polish on them that covers the sad, disturbing realities they are trying to live through. Unfortunately this only allows the problems to persist, and often even become worse because of its concealment, but when you are on the inside you don't always see this.

But how many of do this same thing in our daily lives. We find ourselves with a choice to make that involves accepting something we don't really like to get something we really do like and rather than acknowledging there are problems we put a polish on them, a shine that covers the reality of the situation. Sure, life is about compromises, but a compromise isn't really a compromise if you just pretend everything is okay. No amount of spit & shine can erase the reality of a situation and acknowledging that reality is often the only real path to success.

As for my motorbike, I do acknowledge the scratches and dings that the wax conceals, but she has earned everyone of those "worry lines" as she carries me through this journey.

Healing & Motivation

2011-07-30T05:02:00.000-06:00

"We quiet our babies with cyclic movement, and we quiet ourselves by going."
Melissa Holbrook Pierson understood the not only the romance of riding a motorcycle, but the healing affects the motion of riding one of these incredible machines has on the human body and the human soul. She wrote about this in her book The Perfect Vehicle, another excellent book for motorcycle enthusiasts, and for those just curious about what it is all about.
My time in the seat of my bike has been personally healing and restorative in many ways. The time with myself, within myself, while interacting and observing the world around me is something I missed and and think we all miss in our daily lives (which is why I object to radios on motorcycles and blue tooth devices in helmets. Drive a car if you want to close yourself off from the world and from your own thoughts.) That being said, healing takes time, and the weather hasn't exactly co-operated with time in the saddle, nor have the requirements of everyday living, but of course part of the reason to work on that healing is to gain back the joys that can be found in everyday living.
I am finding that I can see myself in some of the words of Neil Peart in Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road when he states “What I really lack is some of my former power of enthusiasm, of getting fired up about doing a particular thing, or learning about it, so that it became more important than anything else in the whole world.” There was a time when I had an interest in something I would dedicate myself to learning every last aspect of that particular subject. This was not always conducive to my relationships as I could easily loose myself in my interests, but it always kept me moving forward instead of just being along for the ride.
That enthusiasm is returning though. I find myself studying my crafts again. My blacksmithing. My writing. My art. My wood working. I am really looking forward to finalizing the designs of some blacksmithing work I will soon be starting for one of the big churches in downtown Calgary. When I ride my bike I follow the front wheel, and for a while that direction was rather aimless, without any real destination in mind, often in big circles. As my mindset changed the direction of that front wheel changed. There still may have been no specific destination in mind but there was a direction, and as I have often been told, it it not the destination that matters, but the journey to get there. This is how I am finding life these days. I may not have a specific destination in mind, but I am choosing the direction now, and experiencing the journey on the way.
I find there is something else grabbing my interest, and that is the possibility of restoring an old bike or building one from scratch. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love my current ride, an 04 Yamaha Roadstar, and I won't give this bike up for anything. There is an art and craft in some of the old bikes that isn't reflected in most of today's all electronic monstrosities. There are personal touches that can go in a creation of your own that you just can't expect others to take the time to add in something they are not building for themselves. I often find myself dropping in on the Helmet Hair Motorcycle Blog and in a couple or recent posts like the one about Shinya Kimura and the dying craft of restoring motorcycles I see that I am not the only person who feels like this.
Just how creative can someone get with a motorcycle. Well check out this bike created from scrap by Bangkok-based artist Roongronjna Sangwonprisarn.

If you are out riding your bike on this long week-end stay safe. Keep the shiny side up. Highways are deadly places on long weekends and all too often our brothers on wheels are the victims.

Documenting Homelessness

2011-07-28T14:13:00.000-06:00

More rain is translating into more reading for me. Among my reading is the Calgary Herald and I found an article entitled “Blogger on tour to document homelessness” interesting. According to this article the Canadian leg of a tour by Mark Horvath, a blogger and vieographer who is trying to raise awareness about homelessness, is being co-ordinated by the Calgary Homeless Foundation Calgary Homeless Foundation in partnership with the Community Action Committee.

This article was interesting to me because, however short it was, I did spend some time homeless in the middle of a Calgary winter, which is documented in the early versions of this blog. I looked at Mark Horvath's website, invisiblepeople.tv and found some interesting pieces. It is unfortunately not surprising to me just how little it takes for good people to go from having a roof over their head to living in the streets or in their car, with no place to call home.

As I looked more into this newspaper story I ended up at the Calgary Homeless Foundation website and the websites of other groups and organizations who are working on Homelessness in Calgary and other areas. All of these groups do go work I am sure, but I can't help but wonder if on some level the cart isn't being put before the horse. Why do I have this criticism? Well it just seems to me that if someone like me, who is quite skilled in finding information and had access to the resources to find this information, was not able to find programs that would help get someone of the street in the middle of winter (see my early blog posts), than how are others finding that information and help. Does there need to be more effort put into getting the information out to the right people rather than documenting the plight of the homeless?

There are many homeless people that are homeless, not because of drug, alcohol, addictions, or mental problems, but simply because some situation resulted in them being out of their home and, despite currently working, they just can not get ahead enough to get another roof over their head for themselves, and in some cases their family as well. I have heard many question how someone who is working without the expenses of housing can't set aside money. The simple fact is that living on the streets, especially during the winter months, can be just as expensive if not more so than living in a home. Without the ability to store and prepare food meals cost more. In foul and inclement weather, when shelters are filled, finding a place to keep dry and warm costs money. A daily income becomes a daily support structure, which means setting aside the money needed to get back into a home is next to impossible.

I don't know if there is a program like this in Calgary, or Alberta, but a simple, easily accessible loan program (low interest or no interest) that can provide the damage deposit and first months rent, to working homeless would probably go a long way to help many get off the streets.

Equine Hoarding Update - What The Courts Had To Say

2011-07-20T12:45:00.000-06:00

Someone kindly passed on a newspaper article to me that let me know what happened with the charges Tammy Thompson faced for causing animals to be in distress. The article from the Mountain View Gazette on June 28^th stated Ms. Thompson pleaded guilty and was fined $1000 and prohibited from owning more than 10 horses during the next five years.

To some that may seem like a solution, but in reality it is little more than a speeding ticket on the road to more disaster. The sad fact is “owning” horses just means they can't be directly owned by her. There is nothing stopping her from transferring ownership of the horses to a family or friend, but still keeping the horses. At the time of her assault charges she disappeared with close to 30 horses which means now there are at least 20 in limbo somewhere. Nor does this judgement prevent her from taking in other horses into her care.

What the newspaper article doesn't reveal is that, despite the financial problems which she admitted to in court, she continued to add horses to her herd and refused to sell or get rid of any despite the obvious problems for both her family and the horses.

I know that are court system is overloaded and they try in most cases to come up with an appropriate solution, but I believe in animal cases such as this I believe there should at minimum, be counselling programs involved in the sentence and specific monitoring procedures in place to ensure the problem is not reoccurring. Tammy Thompson got charged with assaulting her spouse and they sent her to counselling and anger management programs as part of her sentence. Why could they not do the same thing for her problem with animals?

Sadly Ms. Thompson's case is not the only case like this. All to often we are seeing people back in courts on charges because they have repeated the same behaviour that put their animals in distress the first time. We, as a society, need to come up with a better solution to dealing with these animal hoarding and abuse problems and encourage our politicians and courts to put these solutions in place for the benefit of the animals and the people involved.

Into Each Life A Little Rain Must Fall.

2011-07-17T09:35:00.001-06:00

They say that into each life a little rain must fall, but come on now!!!! I am ready to trade in my bike for a canoe. Not that I am a fair weather biker by any stretch of the imagination. I have ridden in just about all extremes, rain, heavy rain, heavy, heavy rain, hail, snow, high winds. I have enjoyed them all with the exception of the hail. Ouch!!! For me and my bike. I have also canoed in all of this weather and enjoyed it as well. Riding a motorbike and canoeing are remarkably similar. The solitude, the freedom, the unique exposure and interaction with the elements and world around you.

One thing this weather has done for me has provided a chance for me to read a little more. In one of those random meetings with people you wouldn't otherwise ever meet unless you ride a bike I was told about a book by Neil Peart, the drummer from the Rush (an absolutely fantastic band). The book is called Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road, and tells the story of how Neil, after the death of his daughter in an accident and loosing his wife to cancer shortly thereafter, heads out on his motorbike on a journey of self healing. When I was told about the book I knew this was something I could relate to and thanks to Amazon.com the book was in my hands in two short days and it is fantastic. Even if you are not a biker you will love this book.

After the death of his daughter Neil relates the story of a television documentary on the Mormon trek west in 1847, the ordeals they went through and the hardships they faced. The words of one of the women in the documentary struck home to Neil Pert. “The only reason I am alive is that I could not die.” This is where this author found himself at that period of his life. This is exactly where I found myself after loosing my family and everything that had real meaning to me. After reading these words I knew I was going to enjoy this book and haven't put it down since.

In Neil’s own journal he wrote these words:

“Notice in the 'watches of the night' or while riding (or anytime), pattern of torment. Not only have to relive and examine every episode of life with Jackie and Selena, but every single episode of my own life. embarrassment, act of foolishness, wrong-headedness, error, idiocy etc. Going back to childhood and all the way forward to now.

I physically flinch, say 'ow' out loud, or 'fuck,' as the case may be, and can hardly bear it. Such stupid things sometimes, but it seems my confidence, or belief in myself, or something, is so shaken, so undermined, so tenuous, that I have no tolerance, no understanding, no forgiveness: for myself or any one else.

No forgiveness...”

I still find myself in this mindset. I know exactly how those thoughts go. The physical flinches. The curses, silently and out loud. The destruction of my foundation that has left me so lacking in confidence and belief in myself that I can not find any tolerance, understanding, or forgiveness for anyone, myself included. I can only hope that this journey allows me to rebuild that foundation.

Animal Hoarding Rears Its Ugly Head Again.

2011-07-06T14:04:00.001-06:00

I have stayed away from this subject for a while, mostly because rehashing it is a painful experience for me, but recent news stories about the return of animals that were seized because of poor care and poor conditions has brought the subject to the forefront of my thoughts again.

Granted I do not know all of the details of this specific situation. What I do know is limited to what has been released in the media, and I do not delude myself that this coverage is even close to being balanced. That being said, there is not a doubt in my mind that the people that owned these animals that were seized never intended anything but the best for these animals. I know that there are many readers who will rail against this statement, asking how it is someone could care so much for animals yet let them die, starve, get sick, and live in horrible conditions. If you are relatively new to this blog please understand that I don't support this behaviour, but I do have a perspective that many individuals do not.

People, for the most part, do not own livestock because they want to be cruel to it. They own livestock because they have a love for the animals. It is easy to justify building up a large herd of animals justifying not reducing the herd size because prices aren't right or they are good for breeding stock, or any of dozens of other reasons. I herd all of these excuses from my partner as our horse herd grew out of control.

It is also easy for these people to draw friends and family into their beliefs, not because these people are so influential, but because they so strongly believe their l line of thought that they find ways to convince those around them of the same. Those they can't convince they simply erase from their lives. In my situation friends, family, and neighbours were all alienated.

Despite the good intentions towards the animals in their care problems inevitably arise. The animals reproduce creating more mouths to feed. Feed costs money. Lot's of money. Health care costs money. Shelter costs money. Unless they win the lottery something has to give. The unfortunate thing is these individuals believe so strongly they are doing the right thing that they will beg, borrow, and steal to just hold on a little while longer. They would rather take a chance on loosing their car, or their home, or more just to hang on to their animals. Meanwhile they justify in their own minds the decreasing level of care their animals are receiving and the decreasing condition of their animals.

In some of these cases, but not all of them, the SPCA steps in and seizes animals. I don't always agree with the methods used by the SPCA but the fact is they have a miserable, and often impossible job to do and you can be guaranteed that the people on the receiving end of their actions are usually far from cooperative. When it happened to us I was sure that had I not been there my spouse would have assaulted the officer. The sad fact is, when I tried to rectify the situation at a later date I was the one violently assaulted.

The part of these cases that is even more difficult to understand is that the individuals the animals are seized from have a chance to get these animals back. Yes there are conditions that they need to meet, and in the short term most do meet those conditions and somehow come up with the funds required to get their animals back. This is my understanding of what is happening in the cause currently going on in Alberta, and I think this is why I find this topic occupying my thoughts again.

The unfortunate part of this is that all too often things get bad again, often sooner than later, but the people involved find ways to conceal it from everyone. In my case my spouse found ways to split up her herd and locations where the animals could not be found. She had told me before assaulting me and leaving me living in the streets that her own lawyer had told her she could transfer ownership of the horses to a friend for a buck so the SPCA could not go after her for having the animals (though how she could sell or transfer horses branded with a co-owned brand without my permission is beyond me.) In the end all of the horses “disappeared” and where the SPCA's court case against ended up I have no idea.

Is this what will happen with the animals being returned to the ranch near Drumheller? I do not know. I would only be guessing at the answer to that question. I do think that if you look at the stories and histories of people who hoard animals the story is often the same as mine. Animals lives are destroyed. Families are destroyed. People are devastated. All this horror and sorrow based on good intentions.

What can we do about it? Sadly nothing.

Trust me. Unless an animal hoarder makes the decision to seek help themselves there is absolutely nothing we can do to help them. My horses disappeared with my spouse after she was charged with assault. I expect she is somewhere with her herd of curly horses to(and whatever other horses she has acquired) and most likely in the same situation she was in before, animals suffering, bills piling up, lives falling apart. The difference now is she just knows how to hide it better.

We need to find a way to empower those charged with the responsibility to take the actions needed in these situations. We need to find a way to help those who need the help. We need to be a real friend and point out the problem to people creating these situations, not find ways to support them or justify what they are doing.

I sincerely hope that my reality (and the reality of many others who have found themselves in similar circumstances) does not become the reality of the animals being returned to Drumheller. I wish the ranch owners nothing but luck with their enterprise, but please, please, encourage and listen to advice from others around you and don't let lives, animals and yours, be destroyed by your love for your animals.

Who Can You Depend On?

2011-07-04T15:58:00.000-06:00

I tend to leave my motorbike parked on long weekends. You would think that a long weekend would be a perfect time to pickup and go but the volume of traffic on the roads as everyone heads to their great escape is just an accident waiting to happen. I have heard at least one report of a motorcyclist dieing on the highway, the driver of the car apparently never saw them. News reports say that more than 3000 tickets were issued this weekend, 2200 of them for speeding. In total there were 2 fatalities. Now even one fatality is too much but only 2 over a July 1^st long weekend is not bad. Still, I am not disappointed that I didn't hit the highways, though even if I had wanted to I couldn't thanks to some teen rebels who enjoyed July 1^st a little too much, but that is a topic for another day (and I needed some new skins for the bike anyway).

As motorcyclists it is ( or it should have been) drummed into us from day 1 that the only person we can depend on on that road is ourselves. Car drivers don't look for us, and therefore don't see us. Pedestrians think we are all Evil Knievel (okay, my age is showing), and that we can manoeuvre our bikes around their stupid actions no matter what. Barely a day of riding goes by for me that this is not re-enforced and I think may explain on some level why many bikers have a somewhat limited, but expressive vocabulary.

I only wish that I had applied my motorbike driver training to my life because when it gets right down to it, the only person we can depend on in life, just as in motorbike riding, is ourselves. We can not count on those around us to know what we are doing and where we are going, or even how fast we want to get there. Even if they do know our path there is absolutely nothing stopping them from throwing themselves in your way. We quite simply have no control over the choices of others or how they choose to influence our lives. All we have control of is our own choices. We can plan ahead, be vigilante in watching for those that will throw obstacles in our paths and try and anticipate their actions, and prepare as best we can, but inevitably the accident will come.

Those are my thoughts from the road today. Keep the shiny side up and don't depend on anyone but yourself - on the highway or in life.

Take a moment and check out our new link to Akasha Forge & Foundry.

Motorcycles and The Laws of Physics

2011-06-27T17:38:00.000-06:00

Alright everyone. Let me introduce you one of the most basic physics lessons that every motorbike rider knows.

the distance between point a and point b is 100 km
a car travelling between point a and point b has 4 tires on the road and each tire must travel that 100 km, therefore the car travels a true distance of 400km
a motorcycle has only two tires on the road and therefore only travels a true distance of 200 km.
Logically, if the car is travelling a true distance of 400km and the motorcycle is only travelling a true distance of 200 km, the motorcycle will arrive at point b in 1/2 the time of the car
therefore if the 200km per hour on the motorcycle is the equivalent of 100 m per hour on the motorcycle.

Find me a real motorcycle enthusiast who doesn't agree with this physics lesson!!

So what is my point, you may ask, other than the fact that my wrist may occasionally lock up holding the throttle open while I am travelling slightly over the posted speed limit? My points are these:

Given all options people will tend to listen to and believe what they want to believe what they want to believe, regardless of whether or not it is the truth.
People tend to take their information from other like minded individuals and groups because it works for them, closing themselves off from other ideas and concepts.
People tend to offer advice based on their own perspective of the world rather than an objective perspective.

There is no shortage of people, groups, and books out there willing to tell each of us how we should live our lives, what our decision making processes should be, and even what our choices should be. More often then not it is friends and family offering this advice (and all too often unsolicited) and our natural tendency is to follow that advice. None of them mean to do any harm when they are providing you with the wisdom of their years (or lack of). They do have your well-being in consideration (or in the case of groups and books – their bank accounts). What they all fail to realize is the best advice is often no advice.
I have had the pleasure of working with many good counsellors, and even had one help me, and the one thing in common among all of them is they never tell a person what to do, what choice to make, or what they are doing right and wrong. In fact they are the most annoying people in the world because all they ever do is ask you questions. Some are easy questions. Some are difficult questions. Some are deeply probing and painful questions. But all of these questions are based on you getting advice from the person most likely to have the best, most accurate, most appropriate advice you need – YOURSELF.
No one knows the choices you need to make better than you, so seek out advice from others, but in the end, seek out the questions you need to answer, no matter how painful, and look to yourself for the answer. It's there.
Those are my thoughts as I cruise the highways on my ride letting the wind blow through my helmet (bloody helmet laws). Got to go. Think those are flashing lights behind me!!!

Contemplation, Consternation, & Confusion

2011-06-21T18:03:00.002-06:00

I have found myself with extra time on my hands recently. That may seem odd for a person who works two jobs, but those hours in between seem to be very long hours when you don't have people or activities to fill it with. The weather has definitely not made on of my favourite activities, riding my motorbike, very enjoyable. As for people, I do have friends but it is difficult to fit their time in with my strange hours between jobs. I would love to fill my time blacksmithing but that joy has been taken from me for now. There was a time that I would have spent those empty moments writing but with the loss of all my writing I find it difficult to be motivated. I know those last comments sound bitter but I just can't understand how someone can steal someones life and livelihood just so that can have what they want. If nothing else this whole situation has taught me to hate.

That being said, I do spend much of my time thinking these days. In particular my thoughts seem to be focused on a few subjects, which on some level are all intertwined together; fear, love, and the future.

Fear is a big one. It is not a subject that would normally occupy my mind but recent events have highlighted the affects it can have on a person's life. I realize now that it wasn't simply love that kept me in an abusive relationship, but fear as well. Fear of change. Fear of loss. Fear of harm and injury. Now that I have separated myself from that situation I find myself facing a new fear – one that I have never faced before – fear of not being able to open myself to loving again.

Which brings us to the second thing on my mind – love. Those of you who have followed this blog have probably came to realize that I am not a big, tough, take on the world, kind of kind. In reality I am much more of a lover than a fighter. But each of us defines love differently.

There are a host of books out there that will try and tell you what love is, how to find it, how to develop it, and how to hold on to it. What many fail to realize is that love can only be defined by each of us individually. It doesn't affect any two individuals the way. It doesn't develop along a set time line defined by some guru. It is at times an emotion so deep it can not be defined by the person feeling it let alone by someone else. It can also be painful and torturing when it is not understood, not acknowledged or appreciated, or outright rejected and abused. This is why many have closed their lives to others. This, I fear, is where I am at. I know that without love no man can be whole, but there comes a point where it is easier, less painful, to not feel and not be whole. This is how I see my future.

Speaking of the future, how can you plan for that? I have done all that short-term, mid-term, and long-term planning stuff. I was on the path to my goals until one monkey wrench was thrown in (literally in my case). A lot of good all those plans did me – look where I am now.

Plans are just something to allow you to define what went wrong when it inevitably does. I planned to take a friend on a motorbike ride with some of my co-workers, weeks ahead, and then their plans didn't match mine. I planned on having a lovely evening out at Cavalia with a good friend – their plans changed. Plans inevitably go awry. Not always a bad thing. The young mother and her daughter who used my Cavalia tickets benefited from my plans screwing up. I know by the chocolate muffins with “thank you” in nice thick yellow icing that I received today.

I know there is a quote somewhere that refers to the “best laid plans of mice and men” that would fit here, but I am sure you get the point.

That being said, I am a creature of habit, and I can not just wing it. So what are my plans? First of all I am going to get my blacksmithing set back up. I have avoided it up to now despite being offered some smithing jobs. I have let the fear of going into debt again to re-tool hold me back. It is time for me to be moving in one direction again.

My other plans. I suppose they center around the input of a friend right now. Sometime someone elses input is need to figure things out and get you on the right track.

Speed Boats & Super Tankers

2011-05-24T11:49:00.000-06:00

I remember reading that a sea-tanker, after its engines have been turned off, can take 5 or six miles to come to a complete stop, and another two miles to turn around. It occurs to me that people are much like boats of various sizes and shapes.

There are the super tankers who carry a heavy burden emotionally. It takes a strong will for them to change direction and even when they do it takes them 5 miles to slow down and even more to turn around.

Then there are the speed boats. These guys race ahead, sometimes pulling a load or two behind them, but when the driver decides to change direction it can happen with neck wrenching speed. Problem with this is if the driver doesn't know what he's doing he can just as quickly find himself in shallow water trying to avoid the jutting rocks.

What happens when a speed boat decides to join up with a super tanker? That super tanker sure as heck isn't going to speed up or suddenly change direction just to join the speed boat, even though it may want to. But if that speed boat can adjust to travel with the super tanker, it will find itself able to travel deeper waters, shelter from the storms, and able to cross waters it could never cross on its own. Sounds like a perfect partnership, assuming of course that speed boat driver can practice a little patience.

Now for those of you that think this Old Fart has gone off his rocker again and is speaking in riddles, well you are probably right. Those that know this Old Fart might actually understand this analogy, and perhaps even some that don't, but this is the concept that fills my mind these days, though I must say I am more prone to being the speed boat in this analogy. Patience is a virtue they say.

I could go on with this analogy. I know may tug boats, and yachts, a few cruise ships, and even a row boat or two. Oh, and I can't forget the canoes!!! This post is however starting to sound like a children's television show so I will stop here.

Optimistic

2011-05-18T17:53:00.000-06:00

It has been a while since I have made a post here. Life has a strange way of getting in the way of living! When you look at where and why this blog initially started and where I am now it is quite amazing to see the transformation. The simple fact is that when this blog started I was really sure I was going to continue on with life. I was in a dark, ugly place and couldn't see a way out of it at that time. This blog, however, saved my sanity and my life according to those who know me, and even the mental health professional who encouraged this outlet for me rather than putting me on medications. I can't argue with them.

Have all my problems resolved now? Not really, but my life moves forward anyways. There are those who have pointed out that my “victim” mindset was completely in my control. Those people are not entirely wrong, though I suspect many of them have never been on my side of that statement. Have I fought back? I think this blog was partially my way of fighting back. I did pursue my complaint against a lawyer who chose to abuse the system (though as expected it seems nothing has come of this complaint). I have filed reports with the police when my ex continued to threaten me with bodily harm after her initial charges went through the courts. This is not something I would have done in the past but the fact that I have to move again so she or the people she is encouraging to help her do harm to me can not find me and I don't have to look over my shoulder or be afraid of going home has ticked me off enough that I refuse to be the victim again.

No, I am not throwing away my hard earned money on a lawyer to fight to get my tools, equipment, and family inheritances back. I hope that someday common sense may take over her rage and she does the right thing and returns this stuff. If not, the fact is what I would pay a lawyer for this fight will probably refurbish my shop and things are just that, things. There are far more important things in life than owning things. I wish her the best of luck as she continues with her horses, and equine dentistry, and hoof care work. I only pray that she finds the ability to maintain her animals and horses as they should be cared for in the future.

I set out in a new direction on the Easter week-end and despite the crappy weather which has kept me off my motorbike for the most part, that direction is taking me in strange and wonderful places. It is bringing new friends into my life, and renewing friendship with friends from long ago. I find myself opening up my heart, which a short time ago I wasn't sure I could put the pieces back together again, and that fact alone is opening up a whole new life for me, and opportunities I would not have seen otherwise.

In my spare time (of which there has not been a whole lot lately) I love to read and I have been keeping track of some quotes that I have found to be relevant to my life. Here are a few.

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift that is why they call it the present."

Eleanor Roosevelt

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."

Alexander Graham Bell

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans,"

John Lennon

"Life is full of spontaneous surprises, so get ready.”

Why are these quotes relevant? They are relevant because the fact is, things really did start to get better as I looked forward rather than backward. They are relevant because, plan as I would, it is those things that you don't plan for, like moving suddenly or new people coming into your life, that are a part of life. They are relevant because seizing the opportunities of the present time, even those that are spontaneously thrown your way, are what make life enjoyable.

For me these opportunities include new friends, jobs I love, and most recently an incredible person that, despite my flaws (of which there are no doubt many), and despite having read through my rants and rages on this blog, has accepted me for what I am and let me be a part of her life. She found that last little pathway into that hardened shell around my heart and let herself in.

People at my age all come with some sort of baggage, and often those bags are loaded with piles of crap we have waded through and shovelled out of the way to get where we are now. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. The optimist in me (which has found its way back out after a long period in remission) says we can take those piles of crap, compost them, and use them to create a foundation for a wonderful rose garden.

Thanks to all who continue to write with their words of support and friendship.

Lonliness

2011-04-24T11:09:00.002-06:00

I have always fancied myself a bit of a hermit (hence the pen name Mountain Hermit) but I am discovering that perhaps I am not. As we headed into the Easter holidays I have come to realize that there is a big empty space within me. This is the first holiday like this in a very, very long time that I have spent without having a partner in my life who I love and who returns that love. It has been that partnership, that intimacy, in the past that has been the stabilizing factor in my life. We have all heard the saying that people can be in the middle of a crowded room and still be lonely. It is hard to understand that until you are there.

My feelings are not unusual. In fact you can find entire scientific studies dedicated to what they term as “intimate isolation” or “emotional isolation.” This type of loneliness is apparently very different from other types, and apparently its effects far more profound. I find myself a very lucky man in that, despite my shyness (what I like to refer to as my anti-social behaviour) I have been able to find friends easily, and while I have been relatively estranged from my brother and sisters (by my own choices), they are always there for me (Something I realized as I took part in the first family gathering I have attended in many, many years). The intimate isolation does seem to affect me deeply though.

Memories shared over Easter dinner

I had stylin' clothes when I was young!

There is a Buddhist saying “To be without a reference point is the ultimate loneliness. It is also called enlightenment.” My partners have always been my reference point and I am obviously having a hard time finding the “enlightenment” so with the fair weather and a few days off work I decided to set off on my hog and search for that enlightenment. As one of the commentors on this blog said, “many great stories have started with a man who had nothing but his hog”. By the time I park the bike and return to the work world I will have put on more than three thousand kilometres through mountains, plains, hoodoos, cites, towns, and small communities, and thankfully have made a stop at the family Easter dinner.

My stops also included many small coffee shops as I wrapped my hands around a hot coffee cup to warm my fingers (it was perhaps not the finest weather for hitting the road on a hog), and small restaurants. Now I have spoke in the past of my tendency to eavesdrop in these places. Within one small coffee shop there can be found an entire world of stories and I was amazed to discover that on this long weekend there were many stories that reflected my reality. Perhaps it is because that is the place my head and heart were in that I picked these conversations out, but the stories were there to be heard.

Take for instance the student, sitting with their large group of friends and talking about the party they were at the night before and the party they were going to that night. Their phone rang and he answered it loudly (which I have a big problem with but that is a topic for another day). It was obvious from the side of the conversation I heard that this call was from family or friends he was not going to be able to be with during the holidays. The cheer went out of his voice, his body slumped like a half filled air bed, and he was quiet as he said good-bye. Even his friends noticed the change and asked about it. His response, “enough beer tonight will make it go away.” Loneliness? On some level I think so.

Then there was the old man sitting at the counter eating his supper. From his conversation with the staff behind the counter and others coming in and leaving the restaurant it was obvious he was a regular. When he was leaving he waved and cheerily commented on seeing them the same time tomorrow. I could see the concern in the waitresses eyes when she said they wouldn't be open because of Easter and I am pretty sure I heard the thud of the man's heart hitting the floor. The waitress, and several others offered invitations to the man to join them for Easter but he politely declined. Loneliness? I think I can relate to that one. From the conversations overheard his wife passed away at Christmas, his children are far away, and that restaurant had been his daily hangout since. There were tears in that small town restaurant. This man was not alone, but I am sure few he felt an emptiness that none of us can really understand tearing at his soul.

I was going to wait until my weekend was finished before I posted this blog but I felt compelled to let my readers know what I am seeing because they can help. Holidays are the times of the highest suicide rates, and loneliness is attributed as a leading factor in that. While you are spending time with your families and friends take some time to reach out and look around at others in your circle of life. You will not be able to eliminate that loneliness but you can help someone over the rough times just by being a friend and being there. Take my work on that one. Even the simplest gesture can make a world of difference in someones life.

I am heading off on my hog again in search of that "enlightenment". Think I have a long way to go to find it.

Moving On

2011-04-11T18:35:00.000-06:00

I am giving up the battle and declaring defeat. According to Sallust ([86 BC - 34 BC], 'Jugurthine War,' 41 B.C. ) “A good man would prefer to be defeated than to defeat injustice by evil means.” This is very much how I feel. Every lawyer I talk to insists on going after my ex for everything she has or has had and everything she she owns. I don't want to to do this. I don't want to destroy her or have her facing the situation I found myself in. All I want are a few of the things that were personal to me or important to my work, not destroy a person just because I can or for the game of it.

I did retrieve one important item, my motorcycle which is dear to me, and there are other things I can apparently retrieve from the old house, but I have to pay the unpaid bills run up since I have been out of the house to get them. I can't to do this. I have advised the landlord to sell what she can and apply it to my exes bills.

I am not giving up on my complaint against my exes lawyer. I do think that Mr. Forestell acted in an unethical way in delaying his response to my letters until my stuff was gone or abandoned, and continues to do so by now refusing to accept any communications for his client which means the only way I can legally communicate with her without her violating her non-contact order is to pay for a lawyer to do so. In other words support a system with money I don't have, and support people who only want to go after everything even if that is not what I want. The L aw Society of Alberta is looking at my complaint, so they say, but I have serious doubts that anything will ever come from it.

I have started from nothing before and I will do it again. I do have a roof over my head now, and a new job, and friends who I believe are true and really do care about me so the rest should be easy. I am better off than many so if you see me whining here about how I lost everything and how the system fails the victims, feel free to reach out and slap me or give me kick in the rear.

That being said, to all my readers, if any of you have or know where I can find copies of any of the books I have wrote and had published, any of the magazine articles I have wrote, any of the short stories I have had published, or pictures of any of the blacksmith work I have done, please let me know. I would love to have copies of this stuff.

The Deceit of Lawyers and the Legal System.

2011-03-31T19:19:00.002-06:00

I have railed in the past about the lack of morals I perceive in lawyers. It is unfortunately still sad and disturbing when another lawyer only reinforces my opinion. Let me walk you through this real life scenario.

A victim of spousal assault contacts the accused's lawyer regarding assets to be divided since the accused is under a no-contact order and direct instructions from this lawyer not to contact her victim.
No response is received so further communication is sent to this lawyer.
Still no response received so the victim contacts police to assist him to safely recover one major asset (a vehicle).
The accused informs police that any of the victim's assets are going to be abandoned and left for the landlord of the property.
The victim contacts the accused's lawyer copying it to complaints at the Law Society.
An immediate response is received from the accused's lawyer immediately stating that “I have not been retained by Ms. XXXXXX to assist her in property issues arsing out of you and her living together. I had forwarded to her your initial correspondance to me. I had "assumed" that she was dealing with this “ This despite the fact that as the accused's lawyer for the assault he was fully aware that the accused could not legally contact the victim and that he had issued specific instructions for her not to contact the victim. In addition the accused had stated previously that this lawyer had counselled her regarding on at least one major jointly owned asset, a car.
The lawyer also states that “ She tells me that the only asset of value that she considers yours to be your motorcycle and that you took your assets when you separated.” This despite the fact that the police report indicates that the victim left with only a bag of clothes and that there was no “separation” only a victim of violence being removed from a volatile environment.
The victim now has no legal method to contact the accused to discuss distribution of assets without either forcing the accused to violate her no-contact agreement and lawyers instructions, or revealing contact information that may put him at risk, or paying costly lawyers fees. Given the difference in statements to the police and from the lawyer, if the victim removes any asset from the house that the accused chooses to question he faces the possibility of being charged with theft. Even if legal actions were pursued the obfuscation by the lawyer and accused have delayed sufficiently that there is insufficient time to take actions.

Does this type of action meet the “standards” and code of conduct of the Law Society of Alberta? We will soon find out as the following letter has been sent to the complaints department at the society. As always I welcome your input and feedback and even your stories.

Copy of Letter Sent To Complaints at the Law Society of Alberta

Further to the complaint submitted yesterday regarding xxlawyerxx's handling of Ms. xxxxxxxx's file, I must point out that the response received from xxlawyerxx can not be accurate.

First of all, xxlawyerxx is the legal counsel for Ms. xxxxxxxx in her assault charge and other charges is fully aware that Ms. xxxxxxxx is under a no-contact order with regards to me and has specifically instructed her to have no contact with me. Therefore his statement that “I had forwarded to her your initial correspondance to me. I had "assumed" that she was dealing with this “ can not be accurate as this would be encouraging her to violate her no-contact order and his specific advice.

In addition the statement that “I have not been retained by Ms. xxxxxx to assist her in property issues arsing out of you and her living together” is also misleading as Ms. xxxxxxxx specifically stated that Mr. xxlawyerxx counselled her to acquire the jointly owned car, which I was living in at the time, back (which she did).

In addition the statement that “ She tells me that the only asset of value that she considers yours to be your motorcycle and that you took your assets when you separated” is also misleading as Ms. xxxxxxxx made a different statement to the Police about assets to be picked up and Mr. xxlawyerxx is no doubt aware that when I was removed from the house it was with a few clothes only. The difference in the description of assets made to police and Mr. xxlawyerxx leaves me unable to remove any assets from the house other than the motorcycle as any item Ms. xxxxxxxx chooses to question can result in theft charges being pressed against me.

Further to this matter, Ms. xxxxxxxx has advised other individuals that Mr. xxlawyerxx has counselled Ms. xxxxxxxx to pursue a restraining order against me. If I attempt to contact Ms. xxxxxxxx regarding asset distribution or to acquire any asset Ms. xxxxxxxx chooses to question this may provide grounds for that legal action. These latter two situations have the distinct appearance of entrapment.

The process of delaying my knowledge of whom to contact regarding assets arriving out Ms. xxxxxxxx's and my living together until the items are “abandoned to the landlord”, and with the knowledge that as a result of the assault I have been left homeless and without sufficient resources to pay for legal counsel on this matter, is in fact assisting the accused spousal assaulter in continuing the abuse of their victim. These actions can not possibly fall within the code of conduct of the Law Society of Alberta

Change of Direction

2011-03-23T23:50:00.001-06:00

This blog, until this point, has dealt largely with the challenges I have faced during a transition period in my life. It has been a reach out for help, for myself, and for others I care about. In the process it has apparently helped others in similar situations. I hope it continues to do that, and for that reason it is time to change direction.
For those of you who think I am abandoning my fight, you are probably right. But it really isn't my fight anymore. We have reached a point where everybody is responsible for their own choices. Me, I choose to move on and not let lawyers waste away my time or money. The past is the past and there is nothing I can do to change that. Did I get my tools and personal assets back? I think that they will come to me in time but I am not going to waste away time or money on lawyers. I hope cooler heads prevail.
One of the benefits of being single is the time it affords me for writing, which has always been a passion of mine. Whether it is writing a rant about something that I have taken issue with, or a story, or novel, or just a poem, I love to write. I look forward to this opportunity to indulge myself in this passion.
As for rants about things that tick me off, Lord knows there are a million of them, but topping my list today are because lawyers. When people go to lawyers it is usually because they are in some kind of trouble already. My experience is that rather than really offer help, lawyers see every case as an opportunity to one-up their competitor, a game of brinksmanship, and its the clients that end up paying for it, and the non-lawyers suffering. Is there not another way to deal with this stuff rather than spending thousands of dollars fighting over nothing.
I will admit I got sucked into this game. It was apparently a great lawyer that was recommended to me. That great lawyers plan - litigate until people couldn't afford to litigate anymore. Sure there may be no winners in the end after all the bills are paid but everybody would at least be starting in the same position when it was all over.
What kind of crap is that? Are there no morals in law and litigation? If there are I haven't seen them. I am not going to play that game. It's not worth it. If I never do business with another lawyer it will be too soon.
I have blogged about how it is the people that are important in life, not the things. Time for me to start living what I preach.
I do know that there are about a billion lawyer jokes out there but this one hit home for me today.

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!

Victimizing The Victim

2011-03-20T19:04:00.000-06:00

Dread - Concern - Confusion - Frustration - Loss

It has been a quiet weekend with a lot of time for thinking and I find myself with a menagerie of feelings and emotions. You see, Monday is supposed to be the day my ex goes to court for her assault on me. I don't quite know how to feel about that. I have a deep sense of dread, not for myself, but for my ex. I am concerned that rather than provide her with the help she needs, that will choose punishment instead – assuming anything happens by the time the lawyers are through with it.
How I even know about the court date is is the source of confusion, and disappointment. You would think that as the victim of the assault I might have been kept informed about the case, maybe even asked a few more questions beyond what the police asked the night of the assault. That is unfortunately not the case. Just to submit a victim impact statement, something every victim of crime has a right to submit, I had to jump through hoops to try and get the forms and the information required to submit the statement. Now I know others who have been through a similar situation. After the police interview the first night, police usually followed up to make sure they got all the details and they weren't missing any vital information – victim services followed up with them to make sure they had what they needed – and they were informed of court dates and more. They were part of the process. The difference? I hate to even think it but these were women – I am not. Talk about victimizing the victim! That is exactly how I feel.
That being said, for those of you that are believers, pray for my wife that in this case and the SPCA charges which I think also comes up this month, that the court finds the wisdom of Solomon and comes up with a solution that will help her, and ensure the future success of her and the children.
I also find myself facing a deep sense of loss, because I know at this point it is no longer my family, and that I will likely never get to speak to the children or my ex again. I held some hope that the children's father would see that I had some involvement in the children's lives but I suspect that is not to be the case. Even though I was a father to these children for most of their lives, the fact that my ex and I were common-law only means I unfortunately have no say in this situation. Men be forewarned!!
The feeling of loss is also the result of giving up on the horses, which I really do love and care for. If I didn't I wouldn't care about the situation they are in. Unfortunately because it is obvious that my ex would rather run up thousands of dollars in legal bills rather than part with any horses (despite the fact there is already 10's of thousands of dollars of bills relating to the horses already there) the only option I had was to offer her claim to all the animals in return for my work related tools and some items that have been passed down through inheritance in my family. It leaves her with all the horse bills, but there is far more value in horses there than bills if she is willing to do what is needed. Personally I feel victimized again, having to give up my claim to pretty much everything just to get what I need to move forward with my life, but it would only hurt the kids forcing her to put more money into lawyers fees. Truth is, but the time her and her lawyer delay everything the horses will probably be seized by the SPCA, or hidden somewhere. My life will go on, even starting from the ground up again. It is just unfortunate that a legal system that is suppose to protect is such a part of victimizing the victims itself.

Keep Your Friends Close and Family Closer

2011-03-18T06:26:00.000-06:00

In my time spent living in my car, and now has a single man starting over from scratch, I have found myself spending an exorbitant amount of time in coffee shops. Sitting alone in these coffee shops I often find myself overhearing (or as some may call it, eavesdropping) the conversations around me. These days of course a lot of the conversations center around the ongoing disaster in Japan. The speed at which the disaster occurred, the sudden and massive loss of life, the impact of the nuclear plant meltdown, and then, more often then not, the comment that we are so lucky it is not us.

These conversations do hit close to my heart as I have a friend who was hours away from being in the area destroyed by the tsunami, and who lost family members – there one moment and gone the next. While she is working in China I spent some time with her father here, and it was hard to listen to just how overwhelming the impact has been entire communities around the world.

What does this have to do with my ongoing rants about animal hoarding, spousal assault on men, and many of the other things I have been ranting about? Nothing.... and everything. I am obviously taking the steps to move forward with my life, get my feet back under me, and growing again, and my blog will follow. But here is how it has everything to do with the things I have been experiencing in life.

So many of us live in pursuit of the finer things in life. We live in a a culture of privilege and plenty. We are not satisfied with a small starter home, instead we finance our lives away to get the perfect home. We fill that home with toys and goodies, much of which has been financed, and each of the family members hangs out in their separate rooms, seeing each other when they meet at the refrigerator and fight for the last can of coke. We have two, or three, or more vehicles, because we can't cooperate enough with other family members to get places together, or we live such separate lives that we just go in separate directions. I am, unfortunately, just as guilty as many in living my life like this.

I find myself writing about this because of the numerous times I have heard people follow their conversations about the Japan disaster with conversations about separation and divorce, often with finances at the root of the problem. Others talk about moving on with their lives because they want to do something new or different, and the friends and family they will be leaving behind really play no bearing in their decisions. I have been guilty of this to.

The sad thing is that when it gets down to the nitty gritty, you can own a mansion, you can have 5 cars, you can have your ranch and dozens of animals, but none of this, absolutely none of this is worth giving up friends and family for. People should be our priority – plain and simple. When there is nothing else, no cash in the bank, no roof over our head, no food on the table, the only thing there for us is friends and family, and we owe it to them to be there for them. Our priorities are screwed up when we choose things over people, when we work our lives away paying for things financed that we don't really need, just want.

My friend who lost several family members in the Japan disaster recently posted the following on Facebook;
“As I mourn over my recent loss of family I find myself thinking of others who have family, friends, and loved ones that we allow to be estranged or put out of our lives. Keep them close, love them everyday irregardless, care for them as if they are part of you, for they may be gone in a moment.”

I couldn't agree more.

Keep your friends close – Keep you family closer – and get your priorities straight.

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

2011-03-15T10:30:00.015-06:00

The Good

It is amazing how things can seem to be at a standstill, even going in reverse until some little rocket comes along and gives you a kick in the pants. My kick in the pants came from a very wise woman. Her statement to me - "You whine and complain that your wife would not seek out or listen to the opinion of others, yet you – while you seek out the opinion of thousands of readers, yet refuse to listen to the advice you are being given. Do yo want to be her?”

Speechless is what I was. This complete stranger tracked me down somehow to where I was parking my car during the nights – rapped on the window – insisted on buying me a coffee, and gave me hell. You know what – I deserved it.

How a stranger tracked me down based on my blogging, I am not sure, perhaps even concerned a little, but the fact is, as i write this I have had more than 3000 hits on this blog. From those hits I have received numerous emails, some good, some bad, some just cruel, but among them have been emails saying “Thank you – I thought I was alone in my battle but I see now I am not. Your words have given me strength.” and “I showed my husband your blog – he read it all – our horses have gone to auction except for the couple we ride. He asked me to do with him to counselling Your words and your story has saved our marriage and our family. May God intercede and help you with yours.”

That is good!! That is beyond good, and they are only a couple of many. I have said it before and I will say it again – If this blog has succeeded in helping only one person it has accomplished more than I could ask for. As the Mountain Hermit, my storytelling persona, I often said that the point of a story can pierce the heart far deeper than the point of a bullet. My words almost stopped here. Hell I almost stopped. But the words will continue, my story will continue, and I hope it is there to help others.

Other good things are happening as well. Things like reuniting with family members who I was estranged from, and friends who were so far in the past that have reached out. Strangers, all of them, who have joined complete strangers in my growing list of friends and support network. This network has made sure that I now have a vehicle to get around in and a roof over my head. Tell me that isn't good!!! In addition to that I have a job interview coming up for a position I was specifically referred for, which I optimistic will translate into that second income I could use.

Other potentially good things include the comment from Sara, a researcher for the Animal Hoarding show. I can only hope that my wife sees that comment and looks into taking advantage of the potential help. It is in my wife's hand now as I know there is nothing I can do for her. Some of the recent comments about me not being a part of the family are a good thing as well. A couple were wrote in a mean spirited way, but they made me think and realize a couple of things. I was not her “sugar daddy”. I believe that at some level she loved me. But I think that the horses are such an overwhelming factor in her heart and mind that she could never really accept all the love I had for her and the children. That is why I am not a part of anything and nothing is mine. Not because she is vicious, heartless and cruel, just not open to anything but her horses.

My wife did completely surprise me by showing up at my place of work on Monday to drop off some blacksmithed furniture that I had made. I had asked her to do that but I didn't expect it to happen. The sad thing about this is that as soon as I got the call that she was there fear took hold of me. Fear that she was there to give me hell, that if I got close enough I would get hit or punched again. Fear that she would do something that would cause me to loose my job. I did not realize just how frightened I am of her, how worried that if she finds me alone I will be beat again. It didn't happen. She was reasonable and I honestly didn't say two words to her. I couldn't even bring myself to look at her because in my heart I want nothing more than to hold her and tell her I love her, despite the fear. I don't know if I told her at the moment but I really appreciate her dropping that stuff off.

That being said, I have a beautiful handmade mahagony table with a hand blacksmithed pedastal base and two blacksmithed, one-of-a kind dog beds which I can not store or do anything with so I have donated them to the school I work at. They will be auctioned off by silent auction. There is probably $4000 to $5000 worth of items there if I had the time to market them properly, and I am sure the silent auction will not get anywhere near that value, but the school will put the money to good use. If anyone is interested in bidding on them contact me at cantankerousoldfart@gmail.com.

The Bad

As so many have recommended I have started seeing a mental health professional. Many can not understand the difficulty this presented to me. With a family member who was deeply affected by mental health issues and so adversely affected by the medications and treatments I live in fear of becoming that person. But I am going. And it isn't horrible. In fact my confidence was gained the minute I was told I didn't need the drugs the doctor wanted to prescribe to me. That alone has created a level of trust that I didn't think I could ever give to a mental health professional.

The sordid details – what I am feeling is exactly what I should be feeling. I have have my life and my family suddenly ripped out of my life, just as sure as if a car accident took them all. Grieving is normal. Anger, hatred, loathing at the person who ripped my loved ones from my life and took my life as I knew it from me – normal. In the counsellor's words he “would be concerned if I didn't feel this way.”

Choosing to keep animals irregardless of costs and effects on the family – not normal thinking – but nothing I can do about it.

Staying with a physically abusive spouse for years, thinking things wouldn't happen again, that they would get better – normal. I am out now and that is a good thing, but the mindset that kept me there was just the same as all those women who stay in the same situations. Sad to say I was one of those men who often asked the question “why didn't they just get out?” I asked that question of my own mother whose alcoholic husband would get violently abusive. I didn't realize until now why. I didn't realize just how strong she had to be to finally get out. My mother is no longer with us for me to apologize to her so I can only hope she is with me on some level and knows just how sorry I am.

I have included some links here about family violence, and why they stay. Yes the articles are primarily directed at women, but it happens to men to, and everyone must realize this. Men if you are in this situation these articles are about you to. I would tell you to get out but I know how meaningless those words can be when you have a family you are responsible for and love, when your finances are tied to the abuser and you can't find the resources to get free, when other men will look down their nose at you and you loose all pride and confidence because as a man you could not deal with this on your own. All I can ask is that you read, and learn, and talk, and pray that you get strong enough to take the actions you need to.

The Ugly

And this is really ugly. The image of my three children staring at me covered in blood, shirt torn to shreds, their mother throwing me to the floor so I can't get to the phones, is so deeply burned into my mind that I see it every time I close my eyes. This is the first time they have seen this bad of a result but not the first time they have been present when my wife went off like this. And according to my mental health workers this is mental abuse to the children. They are right of course, I know it and it tears at me so deeply that every time I think of my children I find myself in tears.

According to the workers I am seeing mental health professionals, my wife should be seeing mental health professionals, but more important than all that, the children should be seeing mental health professionals. At the very least childcare’s services should be called in and checking on them regularly. These counsellors are as frustrated as I am with the situation because as a common-law partner and stepfather there is nothing I can do to make sure this happens. What happens with the children is completely out of my hands now. I don't know if their father reads this blog but I hope he does and gets them the counselling they need. I will gladly give up every last penny I have to see they get the care and counselling they need, whether I get to see them again or not.

The other really ugly. I have taken the advice of many and secured legal counsel. I hate it. I hate having to do it because I know my wife can be a reasonable person. She has been through this herself and wasn't happy with how her partners lawyers screwed her around so I would hope she wouldn't do that to me, but in the heat of the moment sometimes cooler heads do not prevail. Almost universally I have been told to lawyer up. They can't all be wrong. I have taken the advice.

Please take some time to visit these links. They may not apply to you directly but there isn't a doubt in my mind that you will meet someone in your life who the information may help.

Domestic Violence – An Overview of Spousal Abuse

Domestic Violence – An Overview of Spousal Abuse
Domestic violence
Why do women stay? Why don't they leave?

Facts About Spousal Abuse and Men

Domestic Violence and Abuse
Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

If there are more links you think should be here please let me know.

The Mindset of An Animal Hoarder

2011-03-12T12:01:00.005-07:00

In a recent conversation with my wife she told me I wasn't supporting her with the horses and that “if i am going to lose everything that really was mine, its going to be by me and no one else.”

She is not wrong. Several months ago I had told her not to talk to me about the horses anymore to me and not to ask for help. I quite simply couldn't take the stress. What did that get me? At the moment a rock solid punch in the chest while I was sitting back in the chair with my eyes closed. It was at that point I insisted she get anger management counselling. She did. I think she went twice to a counsellor.

Six years of time, thousands of dollars, hours or work, countless hours of stress, and nothing to do with horses is mine apparently. (see the costs breakdown in the previous post). Six years of love, joy, pain, anger, stress, fun, and apparently the family was not mine. Education, study, work, and my farrier service, which apparently she is working under the name now is not mine. A blacksmithing business, that although struggling due to economic times, was moving ahead, operated out of my home and gone now due to no access to the home and equipment and even if I did too many family debts built up over the years to start over somewhere else – was that not mine? Sure I came into the relationship with nothing. I was starting over. Does that mean after six years I should still have nothing? That nothing I invested time, love, and money in is mine, because I came with nothing? I just don't understand.
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Am I wrong? Is the mindset not sick and twisted? In making sure that if she looses everything that really was hers, its going to be by her and no one else has she not removed that option from me, removing everything that was in part mine and that I was a part of by force and not giving me an option in matter?

Was I wrong to say I wasn't going to continue to help or support with the horses? To try and force her to see the impact they were having on our lives financially and mentally?

I know I am wasting my breath hear when it comes to changing her thinking. I have asked her on numerous occasions to take these thoughts and concepts to others, independent people, friends, family to ask if I was wrong. She steadfastly refused. She didn't and doesn't want to hear the opinion of someone who doesn't support her completely. Alcoholics surround themselves with other alcoholics. Drug attics keep company with other drug attics. I have trouble not thinking that this isn't the same thing my wife is doing.

I know that she views this blog as an assault on her. It is not and never was intended to be. I don't care about the horses, the businesses, the car, the house or any of that stuff. I care about the woman I love and my children. Their ongoing welfare is my priority. This blog, at this point, is my way to fight for the people I love and care about.

The Myth Persists

2011-03-10T20:19:00.002-07:00

An open letter to my daughter and others.

I sent a friend request to my oldest daughter on Face book. It was not accepted. My wife informs me that it was not accepted because my daughter has read this blog and thinks I am lying. They came to me with thirty horses, they are their horses, the horses shouldn't go anywhere. I am lying. She wants nothing to do with me

This of course breaks my heart. I can't expect that she is aware of all the impact, and cost, and problems with the horse, though she is quite capable of understanding it. I unfortunately will never get the option to explain it to her so I will explain it hear and hope that she reads it, and that others read it so they can understand.

First let me state flat out. My wife is not a monster, not a horrible person, not evil. She is incredible with horses but that attachment also blinds her to some things I believe. I have no wish to harm her, ruin her life, or involve lawyers to aggravate matters.

So here are the facts as I see them -

1. Yes my wife and children came with 30 horses
2. Yes had my wife been able to financially support and physically care fore those animals on her own I would have no right to say or think anything about the situation.
3. Yes, if the horses were the 30 original and given condition two above I would have no right to inject my opinion or any claim to the animals

The unfortunate reality of the situation.

1. We have lost many animals to age, illness, and injury over the years.
2. We have had horses taken off pasture and sold to cover pasture rental that wasn't paid (and still has not).
3. We have bought back horses from the auction to recover animals sold in 2.
4. We have had to bear the extra costs of moving because more horses than were agreed to in our lease were kept on the property.
5. We have had to pay for repairs to fences and buildings caused by the horses.
6. We have incurred vet fees for the horses over the last six years (much of which still has not been paid).
7. While grass may be free, it is only free if you own the property it is on. We have incurred expenses for pasture rental over the years – again with much of the amount still owing.
8. Horses, no matter how many, need hay and food over the winter and much of the year in our area. Hay is expensive – very expensive. Some of it has been paid for but several suppliers are still owed a great deal of money.
9. We have had close to sixty horses at one time, prior to the seizure by the SPCA because the animals were in such poor condition with little or not food on site.
10. We paid out money to buy several of those horses back.
11. It costs money and time to move horses and hay around the country side.
12. Our horse herd expanded through unplanned breeding
13. We lost our major source of income – farrier work – due to the reputation given us as a result of the SPCA seizure. (not a direct cost but no income means costs don't get covered..
The point is, the horse herd is not the same 30 horses we started with as a family. Neither my wife or I made enough income to support the herd individually, or together. If we had none of these bills would pile up. Even if we had made enough to cover the considerable expenses of the horses, there are still the considerable expenses of maintaining a family – housing – food – vehicles, fuel – phone – electricity, etc.

Whether a business or family or a single person, continually running more expenses than income creates major stress for every involved. And problems between family and friends that money has been borrowed from or owed to. Yes we did sell some horses over the years, but nowhere near enough to cover the costs of keeping, raising, and maintaining so many animals. That is why we often ended up selling new things just to cover expenses like the brand new paid for quad which we sold at a fraction of its value to stave off creditors, or the sleigh I got for Christmas and had to be sold soon after.

The fact is something has to give. We as adults and parents are responsible first to ensure the basic needs of the family are met. Any expenses beyond that, such as buying and maintaining horses are fine, as long as your basic expenses are covered and you can provide properly for the animals in your care.

I am not saying my wife was negligent or wrong for not seeing this reality of life. She was blinded by love – love for her horses. Not having the horses near, or even in possession was and is unthinkable to her. That is why she can not see the whole financial picture.

I was just as guilty. Love blinded me as well. That love made me stay the first time she beat me because I raised the issue of expenses and the horses. It made me stay the second time. It made me stay the third time. Had it not been for my wife reporting her assault on me to the police I would probably still be there. That is my mental problem to deal with and why I am seeking help.

If my daughter, or any of my children are reading this, please consider it as my point of view. There are two sides to every story and usually the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Read it with your Dad. Read it with your friends or school councillor. Get another, independent person's point of view so you can have all the information and make an informed decision. I can't ask you to do anymore. Just remember that I love you, all four of you, your mom, my two girls and my little boy. I miss you like crazy.

If this is someone else reading this, I sincerely hope it can help you as well. Help you to understand just how quickly you can be drawn into someone else s problem. Help you to understand how sometimes space is needed to get a clear view of things. Understand just how quickly things can go wrong.

Utterly Completely Unbelievable.

2011-03-09T14:30:00.004-07:00

This is most definitely a rant, but I am upset. Beyond upset. I just received a jpg in my email from an anonymous person showing my wifes facebook page and that she has signed up for the Pequinox Equine Dentistry course.

I am out freezing my A#@# off with no home because she assaulted me and I stupidly told the police she needed the house cause of the kids so I would find an alternative, she demands the return of my car (my only housing) and to top it off she signs up for a $10,000 equine dentistry course.

Don't get me wrong. The course is among the best in the world and well worth the money. I have been trying to attend for years but we could never find the funds or the ability for me to be away from work long enough (cause bills had to be paid). I had even spent a significant amount of time working with the owner of Pequinox developing a business plan but I still couldn't swing the costs of the course. So how does she afford it while I budget for my next meal? Why does she when she swore up and down she never wanted to do that work because it was too physical? What the heck happens with the thousands of dollars in bills for feed and pasture and lawyers that have been racked up cause of the horses and remain unpaid?

Better question yet. How does someone who is up on animal cruelty charges and causing suffering to animals even qualify to participate in that program? I had to shut down my farrier practice because I lost most of my clients due to the SPCA seizure and condition of her horses last spring. Now I find she is not only doing farrier work, but taking a course which I have wanted to for years and somehow miraculously come up with the $10,000 fee (which had to be paid up front I was told when I tried to negtiate a payment plan) while I can't even get a roof over my head.

This sounds angry and frustrating because it is There are some things wrong in this world and this is one of them.

"Theres a fire softly burnin, suppers on the stove".....

2011-03-06T10:33:00.000-07:00

It is one thing to write about my situation and experiences myself. It is something completely different to see someone elses words interpret your story. Reality kind of slams you in the face. Please have a look at this article. Irricana Citizens Voice

The Car Has Got To Go

2011-03-06T07:58:00.001-07:00

Well I knew it was coming, just hoped it would wait a few more weeks, but the car has to go back to the wife. I can't make the payments on it and continue to keep living in it with my current income. Truth is I had wanted to leave it at the house to start with because I didn't want to leave my wife and children without the car (though she does have a truck she had just convinced me to by before all this crap went down). It was only by the grace of God that I couldn't drop the car back off that first night. Had I, I would have found myself completely on the streets. Don't know how she intends to pay for it either with all the horse expenses, lawyers bills, SPCA fines, and feed and pasture bills run up, but I guess that is not my problem anymore. I would say sell some horses but just typing it I can feel a beating coming on. That was meant to sound amusing but it really is the feeling I have.

Anyway I did a little car shopping yesterday. I can afford a car payment, just not this particular car payment. I found a few options yesterday. Options that seemed like they would be dependable (which seems even more important when you are living in your car) and amusingly enough, looked like they may be more comfortable to sleep in. Never expected that to be one of my shopping guidelines for a car!

Now is where the catch 22 comes in. I have wrote about the first part of the catch 22 - make enough money for food and warmth in the car, but not enough to set any aside for damage deposit and first months rent which would lower my expenses long term (there is no such thing as inexpensive food if you can't cook it yourself).

That is challenging enough. Having to send the car back to the ex at this point only makes it more complicated.

1. Need car for shelter, to continue current job, and travel for additional job (which I hope comes soon).
2. Sufficient income for car payment - no fixed address or phone, don't qualify for loan. (BTW I have asked others to ask my wife for my phone to be mailed to me - let's hope she does).
3. Need to get a more permanent housing solution - need additional income to set money aside.
4. Return to step 1.

Am I missing something hear? I don't want to borrow money from friends or family because at this point I don't know when or if I can pay them back. Friendship is more important to me at this point then money (I suppose it always should be) and I am not prepared to sacrifice friends over bad debts. Besides that, the situation I am coming out of was caused partially by the stresses of the huge debt being run up for things we couldn't afford. I don't want to go there again. Starting over is one thing. Starting over by having to dig myself out of a deep hole to start with just doesn't seem smart or healthy.

Is my thinking wrong ? Am I missing something? Is there another solution that isn't going to take me away from a good job I really enjoy?

It has never been so clear for me just how easily and how quickly things can spiral out of control for a person, anybody, to go from a comfortable home life to be jobless and on the street. It is like a whirlpool sucking down to the bottom of the ocean and collapsing in over top of you.

At this point I really am looking for constructive input from my readers. Please comment with your input. I really do need some help thinking this through. I look forward to hearing from all of you.

Why

2011-03-05T08:16:00.001-07:00

I know there were a great many that were bothered when I stopped writing here, even for a brief period, but I also often get the question of why do I write here. I can answer that last question in three simple words - hope - assistance - therapy.

Hope - Hope that my wife and children are doing well and that maybe someone who recognizes me on this blog will let me know how my children are. I miss the three kids so much it tears me apart to see young children and familys out together. I would give the world to be able to sit down and have a chat with them, hug them, but apparantly my wife has been told that she can't have any contact with me now until the assault charges against her have gone through the courts and of course this means I don't get to see my kids because they aren't really mine, just step children.

Hope that my wife gets the help she needs, not just for the anger and violence, but for the obvious problem she has with animal hoarding. That she addresses the problem before the SPCA comes in and seizes more horses. Before it has an even more adverse affect on her and the children. Before other people get drawn in and taken down.

Hope that I can find the strength to continue on day to day. There have been days that has been questionable but I will get strong again, get my health back under me, and start over. Perhaps even someday have enough faith to trust someone enough to love again.

Assistance - Assistance to others going through similar challenges. Whether it is dealing with an animal hoarder, bwing among the working poor and between homes, or just struggling in general. If even one person can find some assistance within the words on this blog, a simple sense of "I am not alone", then writing this has been more than worth it. I know that one person who reached out through the comments on this blog, a person who has faced the same challenges himself, gave me a lift when I desparately needed one just from the mere fact that I realized I was not the only one going through this. You always know that somewhere in the back of your mind but sometimes you just have to see it or be told straight out just to put things in perspective.

Therapy - I do not have a circle of friends to sit down and talk with, though I will admit I am discovering I have more friends than I ever thought I had. Even if I did though I am a very closed and private person so sharing my thoughts, and feelings, and problems just isn't something that is going to happen. Writing is therapy for me. Before these blogs I have wrote children's books, novels, articles, text books, and more. Writing is my talking, my sharing, the keyboard is my couch, the computer my therapist.

Things are no doubt challenging for me. I go through my highs and my lows. Sleeping in the car, as concerned as many are about it, is not horrible. I could be on the street and I am not taking up limited shelter space from those who need it. I realized the other night just how quickly things can go wrong when you have no shelter. I stupidly ran out of gas during a very cold night while I was sleeping. Had someone not checked on me in the car I would have been sleeping forever. Landed my stupid butt in the hospital with mild hypothermia and mild frost bite. Stupid, but it does illustrate how quickly things can go horribly wrong.

That being said, there are people in far worse situations then I am. My wife and children among them (although I am sure their father will make sure they are well - he is a good man and I suspect probably went through much of the same stuff with my wife when he was with her). People stuck in abusive relationships and can't get out. People that have no resources and no-one there at all for them. No, my situation is rough, but survivable. There is always someone who needs more than you do.

And that is why I write as Cantankerous Old Fart in this blog and my other one.

I Don't Exist

2011-03-04T00:01:00.001-07:00

I'm Back

Well it has been a taken a few days for me to gather my emotions and thoughts after that fraudulent email I received. It was a true emotional crash for me and the unfortunate thing is whoever fraudulently wrote that email was not just screwing with me, but my ex as well.

In hindsight, this person did me a favour as they revealed some truths to me that I wasn't aware of, or hadn't wanted to see.

Truth #1 – there is no chance for reconciliation between my ex and I. She is using her no contact order to live her life like I never existed and don't exist. No regrets about what she did or how she did it. In fact she has found solace in the arms of others already while she eliminates me from the her life and my children's.

Truth #2 – She is selling horses, or at least a horse – my horse so she can feed her other 30 or so horses.

Truth #3 – She would welcome me falling of the face of the earth so she didn't have to deal with me ever again.

Now this may seem like rumour being spread and just anger and bitterness talking, and it is indeed anger and bitterness, but it is unfortunately not rumour. I wish it was but it was put to me quite directly so I could not be confused about it. I can't help but think that I was living a life of delusion thinking that she ever cared about me, or about anybody but herself.

That being said, I have had a multitude of email from readers and those that know me asking me to not stop with my blog and offering their support. I appreciated all the support and encouragement and I will continue this blog, though I am going to change it up some. I will continue advocating for help for people with animal hoarding issues and for help for homeless people stuck in a loop as I am. I will keep readers updated about my life and situations I encounter, and about the results of the charges against my ex and her horse situation, at least the part I am made aware of. I won't keep whining here about my ex because it is useless to waste energy on someone who doesn't even acknowledge your existence.

I have also added a new blog. It's nothing like this blog. Free form poetry and writing about me feelings. Nothing educational, Nothing that is going to help anyone but me as I write it but I hope you get some pleasure out of reading it http://whitheringheart.blogspot.com/ Please add your comments and feedback to that blog as well.

Thanks again for all your support. I look forward to a long relationship with all my readers to who I do exist.

Some People Are Cruel Sadistic Idiots

2011-03-01T03:45:00.000-07:00

Got an email tonight from someone who obviously knows me by my real name because they faked the from address as my wife's email address. It was an aboslutely marevelous email and it made it seem like we were goingto be able to get passed this, get things fixed up, and have a life together afterall. I haven't felt so great in weeks.

Then the harsh reality - it was bullshit - faked - a complete fraud. I found out the hard way and when I looked into the header of the email I saw the cold, cruel truth.

Congratuations you idiot. You took a heart that was crushed and a sole that was trampled already and just ground them into nothing. You know who you are. Just remember that it is because of you that there won't be another post here.

WOW!! DISSAPOINTED ! SAD! CONFUSED! A BIT OF EVERYTHING!

2011-02-24T17:27:00.000-07:00

Wow, I see from the comments that some people are really paying attention to my progress. First let me tell you that I am okay. The nights have been cold (darn cold) and it is costing more in fuel than I planned to stay warm but I am doing okay. I have been keeping myself occupied during the days trying to get my life back on track and deal with things and I thought a couple of days away from my whining wouldn't hurt! I haven't had the interview for the job I mentioned yet but I am fairly confident it is coming. I am feeling better thanks to my time in the gym and that helps a lot.

One disappointng and frustrating thing over the past week is trying to deal with Alberta (Chinook) victim services. Not having a phone line has made it impossible to call them (especially since Chinook division is long distance from work) and they have no email apparently. I contancted the main office of Victim services by email twice. The first time I received no response and the second time I was told the Chinook division would phone me at work. That was three days ago. I want to file a victim impact statement in the case against my ex but I have to go through Victim Services to do this and at this rate everything will be done before I have a chance to have any imput. I think its important a statement be filed so the courts understand the extent of the problem and where it has left me, an how it persists since it seems everyone I ever knew is being told I just up and abandoned the family. Kind of hard to go back to a small community when you are seen as a pariah there because of lies used to cover someone elses issues.

I thought victim services was fantastic in my first dealing with them. They handed me the paper work I needed, offered me some housing suggestions, and made sure I got a room for that night. After that it seems like I don't exist to them, even though they know where I can be reached during the day or a message left for me, and they have my email. The sad fact is all the information they gave me about potential housing help was wrong, at least according to the Income Support people. And I have not heard a thing about what is going on with the case and it seems am not going to get the assistance I need to even file a Victim Impact Statement. I have talked to women who have been through this and according to them they always had follow-up and before any case proceeded they were interviewed to see if this was a one time thing or just the first time they called the police. They also had follow-up to make sure they were safe and had a roof over their head and food. Seems like double standards, and I fear at this point my ex will probaly get nothing leaving none of the real issues dealt with. I am confused and depressed over the whole process.

As for the force a divorce and sell the horses thing, we weren't actually married (though it was on three months ago she said yes to marriage) and forcing the sale of the horses won't solve the problem. She will get more horses and it will start all over again. At this point I have better things to do with my meager funds than donate them to a lawyer.

Other than that things are okay. I am hoping the job interview call comes any day and in the meantime I will fill up my time with the gym, my part time job, and some writing on the side (other than this blog).

For those that asked, thanks for caring. It is much appreciated.

Thank You Gold's Gym!!!

2011-02-20T14:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know it sounds like an advertisement, but it isn't. The simple fact is that I should done this a couple weeks ago because it is making all the difference in the world for me, both mentally and physically.
You may have read in my last post that I was putting some of my short funds into joining a gym. At first glance many would say why do that and I can understand that thought but being able to go into a gym eveyday gives me a place to shower every day (lord knows I need that) and a place to hang out and do something constructive other that sit in a coffee shop stretching out a coffee for hours to stay warm.

What I didn't realize at the time was just how cathartic and benficial joining the gym would be. Working out (something which I have not done in years) has helped to relieve some of the aches and pains from sleeping in the cramped cold car. Working out has also left me tired enough that I actually sleep through the night. Its amazing how much difference some good sleep can have on your overall mental state. Even more beneficial is the help the excellent staff at Gold's gym have given me in getting my shoulder released and moving again. The couple of guys I dealt with were knowledgeable and had some good advice and suggestions. I can't them enough for taking the time they did with me.

The atmosphere and people at Gold's are fantastic too. It's not so crowded that you are rushed through the equipment and you aren't in the way if you site and relax for a while. Even the front desk staff are friendly and chatty. The socialization away from work, especially during this extended break, has been great. As the cantankerous old fart I am I don't often throw out recommendations for places or things, but I would recommend Gold's gym to everyone.

Positive Movement

2011-02-18T15:29:00.000-07:00

You would think after yesterday I would be pretty down and depressed, and I was. On top of everything else I knew it was going to be another bloody cold night and I just wasn't looking forward to. But today - well today is payday which means I made it. I finished the week with $10 bucks in my pocket and the few pounds I lost, well I could afford to loose them.

One of the first things I did today was sign up for a monthly membership at a local gym. Not only does this give me something to do in those long, lonely evenings and days off, but it provides me with a spot to shower and clean up every day. That will be nice. I did workout today as well (for the first time in many years) and I am sore, but it's a good sore.

The second positive thing today is I gave the gentleman who offered some help in finding a job for me and it looks like he has really come through for me. At a time when I was loosing all faith in people this gentlemen went out of his way to find work for me that was a fit for me. The position he mentioned sounds like an excellent fit for me, not just a mcjob, and I am quite stoked about the opportunity. But if you want to know how small the world is, I actually did some work for this man many years ago (in my alter ego) and he is one of the few (it seems) that know of my fictional writing in my alter ego. (everybody sing it now - It's a small world afterall, It's..... Good luck in getting that earworm out of your head).

Number three on my list of positive things - I started a new page on my blog. I hope to use it to perhaps help and guide others who might find themselves in this unfortunate situation. I am excited enough about this whole blog project that I drafted up and sent out an email to local media about it. (If you are reading this drop the CBC, the Herald, The Sun, and whatever other media you can think of and tell them they should have a close look at this story.) I know its only a resource page or two but i can tell you even the little bit of information that is up there already would have made a world of difference for me to know going into the process. I really hope it helps others, and of course writing this blog and providing the information is very cathartic for me. That being said, I hope that I find myself working in that fantastic job soon and don't have the opportunity to update this blog so often.

The Working Poor!!

2011-02-17T12:17:00.000-07:00

There are an abundance of stories in the media that referring to the "working poor" and while I had a basic understanding of the concept, the reality of it didn't really hit me until today. It is a very small step to go from working and having a roof over your head to working and not having that roof over your head (whether cause of financial circustances or an animal hoarding wife or any of a variety of other reasons). Once you don't have that roof over your head setting aside the money for a deposit and first months payment can be difficult. Sure you don't have the costs you had before of your home but other things can impact your income, like higher food costs, other accomodations, or not being able to make it to work because of where you have to park your head for the night.

I got up today (quite early cause it was bloody cold last night) with a sense of hope that I would come up with a housing solution today. Victim services told me the night my wife was arrested that there was a program that would help with a damage deposit, first months rent, and some furniture to get on my feet. After almost three hours at the Income Support office what I came away with was there really is no help available for me unless I want to move to Calgary (which would mean abandoning the job I have). Even the cousellor thought that would be a silly idea. That money that victim services said would be available for me is actually targeted at women and children, just like interim housing. I could make use of the homeless shelters but again that would mean being in Calgary every night at which point I wouldn't be able to afford to go back and forth to work reasonably.

This isn't being between a rock and a hard place - it's standing between two rocks that are simutaneously slamming into the sides of my head. If you can't already tell I am pretty pissed, and even more depressed. I have not been able to stop shivering since last nights cold spell, I am exhausted cause I can't get a good nights sleep. I am ready just to walk away from it all.

I understand why there may be more support programs available for women and children but shouldn't there be something out there for men. And how do support programs help if all they do is take people out of their community and warehouse them in the big city. This province has a large rural population and a lot of that population works in their local rural area. Do they have to abandon these jobs and regions just to access safety net programs?

Some things to think about I guess, but I am not much up to thinking right now. In fact I am struggling just to hold myself together at this point. Its going to be a very long six days.

Two Steps Forward .....

2011-02-15T18:25:00.002-07:00

I really thought I was moving ahead yesterday, mentally anyways. Probably would have been an excellent day except that Cupid decided to kick me in the ass.

I made the mistake of parking near a group of restaurants and every couple I saw walk in for Valentines cut me like a knife. To top it off someone I worked with brought out a chest that I had been working on for months to remind me to bring it home. I have been working on this chest for months, handcut dovetail joints throughout, inlaid doors and drawer, hidden compartment, walnut with mahogany, and maple highlights. I had been planning on giving this to my wife (my ex I guess) for Valentines day for months. Probably put close to 60 hours worth of work into it (those handcut dovetails are a pain in the neck). Anyway it didn't leave the shop and that didn't take long for the gossip to get around the staff, the jokes started in the staff room at lunch today, so I don't imagine it will take long for the whole staff to know all the sordid details.

It seems I also have a six day long weekend starting thursday. Not what I needed mentally or physically. I guess I can use the extra time off for a job search, and to Anonymous who said he could find me something please email me direct and I will send along a resume.

Think I am going to try and connect up with social services and see if they can help with housing at all. I know they have said there is nothing they can do before, but there has to be some assistance out there. There are stories everyday in the news about how they are doing new things to get people off the street. It's suppose to get bitter cold here again with more snow. I don't think my body can deal with that cold anymore. Wish me luck.

Moving Forward

2011-02-14T05:00:00.001-07:00

The week-end is over and I am off to work shortly. All-in-all it wasn't a bad week-end. The weather in Calgary was rather nice so my fuel reserves are holding out (which means I will probably make it the next four days without totally missing a day of food). I was also able to get my laundry done and get a shower (thank you Anonymous for the truck stop suggestion). Because it was so warm I was also able to get a couple full nights of sleep which is good, except for the fact that I literally can't stand up in the morning because I am so stiff from being scrunched up all night (how the heck do people do that?).

Got a few resume's out as well, which I hope someone bites on. Even had a couple of interviews, unfortunately in both cases they wanted me to quit my part-time job and come and work full-time for them - for half the hourly wage!! I may be a little desperate but I am not stupid. Why would I give up the same weekly wage earned in half the hours at a job I love to work full-time for the same total income at another job? I even asked one of the managers that specific question and his reponse to me was "it makes better fiscal sense to work full-time." My next question should have been "what cracker jack box did you get your math degree from?". Don't think I'll miss not having that job.

I am reading with interest the comments being made on my Blog. I do know that that no-one deserves to be beaten for having a different opinion, but I also know i could have just walked away those times and not said anything about the horses. This was one of those impossible choices - don't say anything, let the problem persist, and keep peace in the family - or try and point out the problem and fix it but sacrifice the peace. The real unfortunate part of this is that, at some point the SPCA and the police will be involved again, and like last time they will come in hard and agressive dealing with the animal problem but never taking time to assess or adress the underlying problem. Kind of like tossing a homeless person in jail for stealing a bun to fill their belly. You know its going to happen again, or even get worse unless you deal with the underlying problem.

There is, I think, no way to help my wife unless she chooses to seek help herself. As for me, life goes on and I need to keep moving forward. I meet with someone whose interested in the car after work tomorrow. I am not totally anxious for it to be gone right away (it's not tenting weather yet), but it will be a major debt off my shoulders and let me get things more separate from my Ex. If it doesn't sell, anyone interested in an 06 Prius. Backseat is great for sleeping in as long as you are three and a half feet tall ;-)

She Is Not A Horrible Person

2011-02-12T08:46:00.001-07:00

I am a little suprised by some of the comments and emails I have been receiving. Let me be clear - My wife is not a horrible person, not a bitch, not a harpie, or any of those other things I will not repeat here. She is a very loving person who will give until it hurts and help anybody who needs it. I don't even know if she has an animal hoarding problem (I am not a psychologist so I can't make this diagnosis), I only know that her behaviours seem consistent with what I have read and others pointed that out before I recognized it.

Yes, she did beat the crap out of me (on a few occasions), and yes she was arrested and charged by the police for assault. The fact is I should have known better than to ever mention selling horses, thinning the herd, or taking horses with me. I probably deserved the beating.

Yes, she has left me out on the street eeking by on a shoestring budget, though I am better off than some as I at least have a car to sleep in and job to go to. (I know I would be really messed up if I had to get in one of those homeless shelters.) I am not even sure she is aware of how I am getting by and since she has the no-contact order she can't really check up on me. I would like to think that if she was aware of this she wouldn't leave the situation as it is (though returning home is not an option for me any longer).

Yes she has had problems with the SPCA regarding her horses (and has been charged and had animals seized) but she really does love her horses and is the most capable and talented horse person I know. She loves her animals and unfortunately she loves them more than me or the family. That is a choice she has made and I have no choice but to live with it. Nothing I can do will change that.

Yes if it had been the other way around I probably would have been locked up and villified and she would have had support out the ying-yang. That is not a problem she created, that is a problem society has created.

Does she have a problem? Well there is an obvious anger issue or the violence would never have occured. An "Animal Hoarding" problem. I suppose only a trained proffessional can make that call and that is not likely to happen because she would not subject herself to that analysis and no-one can make her. I only worry that she gets violently angry with someone else who tries to stand between her and her horses, and that her and the children suffer because of her choices with the horses.

So she is not the devil. She is just a person who know what she wants and is willing to sacrafice other things to have that. A real person with some issues of her own. This could describe any one of us. I know I have issues and I make choices as well. My priorities are just different. If all you can do is send me an email calling her vile names and telling me how to get even STOP. I don't need to nor do I want to hear it.

As for me, I am trying desperately to move on with my life. The good news is I have a couple people interested in buying the car. That would remove a large debt of our backs and free up the lien on on my motorbike which I can then sell and pay off othe debts (though the bike is the last thing in the world I want to part with). All I need now is for her to respond to an email and okay the sale (quickly I hope). I know this will leave me without a roof over my head but it is getting warm enough soon enough that a tent will provide me shelter and hold the few items of clothes I have.

I think I have lost track of which day this is, 11 or 12 I think, but life keeps moving on. As soon as my body is loosened up enough that I can actually move without wincing I am off to try and find another part time job. Wish me luck.

TWZKKMTBV54P

Upsell Everything!!

2011-02-11T17:03:00.011-07:00

One of the tasks on my list today was to open a new bank account, one the wife (I guess ex-wife now) does not have access to and where I can get first crack at my pay check. Not a big deal, right? Well you wouldn't think so anyways. I did the prep work online, decided on which bank I wanted to deal with and which account would best suit my banking. I even filled out the online form thinking that perhaps I wouldn't have to go through a bunch of crap at the bank itself. Boy was I wrong.

Turns out that to open a bank account TD expects you to arrange a meeting with one of their managers and sit down with them in their little cubicle for 40 minutes. What ever happened to walking up to the teller and saying I would like to open a bank account, here is my id. this is what I would like. That is how it used to be. You could be in and out in 5 minutes (well except for the lineup). Now they want to upsell you on all their financial products, and encourage you to increase your debt, and sell you insurance for that debt, and on and on and on. What a pile of crap! Real customer service would have been letting the teller I originally spoke to print off the forms and letting me open the account I want.

I must say the manager I got to deal with did not put on a huge push but that could be in part to the fact that I practically broke down to tears when I said I needed an account because my wife and I were separating. (Funny how saying the words out loud opens that floodgate of emotions.) At any rate, the last thing a beautiful young woman wants is a crotchety old man sitting across from her at her desk blubbering away so things moved along pretty quick after that.

My message to TD and whatever other banks are following this policy - drop it. Its a pain in the rear. If customers want to learn about your other products let them ask and arrange a meeting with you instead of forcing it down their throat. And why in the world have an online account application form if that information never gets to the bank and you just have to provide everything all over again? What a waste of my time.

The other thing I did today was break down and see a doctor. The pain is getting a little much to handle and the numbness is starting to get in the way. The doctor confirmed what I already knew, blood pressure sky high, shoulder needs that surgery to get better and to try and not sleep on it or put excessive pressure on it, the teeth need to see a dental surgeon, etc. I left with perscriptions for pain killers, anti-inflamatories, blood pressure, and anti-biotics. At least I have lots of paper to fill my glove compartment now because there isn't a chance in the world I am affording any of that stuff. It is unfortunately becoming clearer and clearer to me just how easy it is for a person to go from working and having a home so sleeping in a cardboard box and begging for change. I only hope I can put the brakes on it before it gets that far for me.

Just as an aside, I am really struggling not to show up at my wifes door and say I love you, I will do anything, just take me back. Or even pick up the phone and talk to her and the kids and tell them how much I love them, all, and miss them. It is a constant mental and spiritual battle within myself because while I do feel that way that hatred, and distrust for my wife that builds up in me with every cold night, every ache and pain, every lonely moment is simply overwhelming me. I only hope that thoses people who say they know who she is and will email her have done so. Not only because I want her to know just how miserable she has made my life, but I pray (and I don't do that much) that somehow she is motivated to talk to someone, maybe get assesses, and get treated if necessary for the rage and the animal hoarding.

It is going to be a long lonely weekend.

Too Much is Too Much

2011-02-10T19:25:00.000-07:00

What does it say about a town when a small laundromat can not be a viable business in the town?

One thing I have come to realize, spending extended time in coffee shops, stretching out a coffee or tea for hours, and listening to the conversations around me, is that there are far more people in financial difficulty than one would realize. I can not tell you how many people I have heard talking about where their next mortgage or car payment is coming from and how work is slowing down, and on and on. The funny thing is that more often then not these same individuals go on to brag about their latest purchase (Iphone, LED TV,...) or what they plan to buy next, and when they leave they hop into the newest car in the parking lot.

It's sad really. One would think with all the economic disasters that have hit us, and the dour proclomations of politicians and economists, that people would exercise a little financial restraint. That does not seem to be the case. In fact this town I work in is jam packed with homes big enough to house a small army, golf course view mansions, and the businesses to support this lifestyle. Excess is prevalent everyhwere I look.

On the other side of the coin, my time sitting around has allowed me to observe people and there are many who are definitely not part of that lifestyle but you would never know it. Hence, no businesses like a laundromat, which it is hard not to make money on.

I think many of us live under the concept that "more is better." Acquiring more though also demands more. More time. More Money. More work. More stress.... Because there is essentially a balance to all life that "more" is often balanced out by less family time, less real joy, less relaxation and who know what else. Personally I think that more for one person also means less for another person somewhere down the line but people in are society or so disconnected with the people and community around them they don't see the affects of their lifestyle.

My new mantra "More is not better. Less is more."

As for my own personal balance, well I still haven't found it yet. On the plus side, it was warm enough last night and will be again tonight that I won't have to run the car to stay warm, so that saves a few dollars. The negative side is that sleeping in the cramped space in the car has left my shoulder almost completely useless and the stress of this situation has my right side almo completely numb. Mentally though I seem to be in a better place, though my heart still feels like it's been crushed by a herd of horses. Now if only I can find a laundromat!

Revelations & Realizations

2011-02-09T21:02:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's because I am tired (exhausted really) and sore, but today was a day of realizations and revelations, many of them hitting close to home.
The first realization is that things are likely to get worse before they get better and I am not looking forward to that. Hopefully winter ends soon.
The second realization was that I probably shouldn't have broked down and got those extras this weekend like the sweater and sleeping bag and headset to phone from my computer because i am likely going to run out of cash before I run out of days before payday. Oh well, I could stand to loose a few more pounds.
Realization number three - not much use in going to the doctors when I can't even feed myself properly or get proper shelter. Pain is just going to have to be a companion for now, but then it has been for a while so what's new.
On the good side, I realize that people from my home area of Sundre are realizing who I am (Cantankerous, as appropriate as it is, is not my real name). At least one of them has emailed me to say they would contact my wife about the horse situation. Personally, at this point, I wouldn't care if everybody in the area sent her an email or talked to her. Maybe at some point it would hit that the horse thing is a problem that needs to be dealt with.
Unfortunately this leads me to my last realization, that I will probably never get to spend any quality time with my wife and children again (since I was only a step parent). I am alone.

Damn It's Cold!

2011-02-08T19:56:00.000-07:00

I don't think I have been able to get the chill off my body in days and unfortunatley the weather isn't helping. Last night was so bloody cold I'd be lucky if I got more than a couple hours of sleep. I am completely exhuaseted today but since I went into the office (even though its my day off) I haven't slept at all. Hopefully I am tired enough that I can sleep no matter how cold it is tonight. I can't leave the car running anymore or I will definitely run out of much needed cash.

This is day eight and I think it is a good one mentally, despite the cold. I am going to have to at least see a doctor soon though because physically I am a (almost) walking disaster. I was able to get a few resumes out and I hold hope that I get a quick call back on one of those

As I type this I am sitting in a MacDonalds having a coffee (which isn't half bad). It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the teenagers here. When did it become necessary for the whole world to hear your sordid conversations and foul language? When did it become acceptable to sit on the serving counter? When did it become appropriate behaviour to spend time gossiping with your friends when you are working behind the counter while there is a line-up in front of the counter? I put serious consideration into walking up to one of the kids and slapping them hard enough that their mother would feel it. Now that would get me a warm room for the night, wouldn't it?

Ahhh, now there's the cantankerous old fart I've been missing! It's good to have him back.

Day 7 And Holding

2011-02-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

I truly enjoy my job. Not just because it occupies my mind and keeps me from dwelling on how miserable things are right now, but it is among the top few things I have ever worked at. The work that I am really passionate about has dried up due to the economy so thank God this job opened up. The only thing that could make it better is if it was full time. Oh well - I got a couple resumes out today and put the money out for a Skype number and a headset so I can use my netbook as a phone. Now let's just hope I get some call backs because I have a dreadful feeling I should have saved that money for fuel to stay warm.

I am fighting the urge to drive out and see my wife and children just to tell them how much I love them. I must admit I did email to see if she wanted to chat, unfortunately the only response I got was that the police and her lawyer have told her she can't because of her no-contact order. Fair enough I guess.

It is going to be a long night. Trying to stretch a tea as long as I can at Timmies so I can stay warm inside without burning my scarce gas. Using the time to do some research and blogging. Added a page on Animal Hoarding to the blog. I don't know if my wife is a hoarder as such but to me she sure fits that description.

And in case you think that I think I am totally innocent in all of this I DON'T. I know I can be a real asshole when I am stressed. I know I can be difficult to be around. I know that I am as stubborn as can be. Truth is I should have worked harder and longer to try and relieve more of the financial stress in the home and I should never have brought up the horses. It is no doubt my fault that I am where I am today.

But I am being asked to stop loitering now so out to the car I go.

Animal Hoarding

2011-02-07T04:26:00.001-07:00

Thank you Anonymous.

After receiving your comment that described my wife as a Animal Hoarder I laughed (because I have told her on occasion she is the cat lady of horses), and then I used my all to availalble time to do some research. While I am not a shrink I think you may unfortunately be right.
I found a list of animal hoarder characteristics at AnimalSheltering.org. They were the following;

An apparent need to have many animals, and usually many inanimate objects as well (an addiction to clutter).
Intelligence and communication skills, combined with a shrewd ability to attract sympathy for themselves, no matter how abused their animals may be.
A stubborn refusal to part with any of their animals, be it through adoption of relatively healthy ones or euthanasia of sick ones (sometimes they even keep the dead animals).
A clandestine lifestyle—there is often a stark contrast between the hoarder's public persona and his/her private life.
A tendency to deny reality—they insist that ill animals are healthy; that those confined for long periods in small cages or kennels are comfortable; that overcrowding does not subject animals to severe stress and related diseases; etc.
Recidivism—unless expert psychiatric help is obtained, hoarders almost invariably return to old ways, even if convicted of cruelty to animals.

There is also a fantastic description of animal hoarding athttp://www.squidoo.com/hoardinganimals .

In my own opinion, which is obviously biased, I think this describes her to a T. The unfortunate thing is she is absolutely incredible in her skills of communicating and working with horses (there are none better in my opionion). Even more unfortunate is that I don't think there is anyone on earth that could convince her to even consider she may have this problem (at least not ending up bruised and beaten). I wish I knew what I could do to help her. I don't expect (or even desire) that it would do something to save our relationship, I just want to make sure her and her kids don't suffer because of it.

Emotional Roller Coaster - Health Slide

2011-02-06T17:20:00.001-07:00

So I think I am in some trouble. The emotional roller coaster I am on is to be expected. The constant swing from loving her to hating her to hating myself (which is probably a valid emotion) and back is to be expected. Combined with reduction in food intake and the crappy food that I am eating (it really is ceaper to buy crap food than good food), my lack of sleep, and my underlying health problems I am a bit messed up.

Not only can I not get warm no matter what I do (I even broke down and bought a sweater), I am seeing stars when I stand or bend and running out of breath walking across a parking lot - a sure sign that my blood pressure is back through the roof. Add to that the twitch in my right hand and I think I know what is coming next. The last time this happened I landed in the hospital and literally lost years of my life from my memory.

So what do I do? Can't really go to hospital and say hey - something is going to happen, can I. Don't have anyone to let know what is going on. Do I plan on waking up in the morning trying to figure why the hell I am sleeping in a car in some strange parking lot? Let's hope not, although forgetting this past week would be nice. I never realized I had this much anger and hatred inside me.

Of course nothing at all may happen (which would be a good thing I think). Just physically a mess until I can get things under control.

I heard a Japanese proverb earlier today. "Fall down seven times, stand up eight" It's a great proverb but how the hell do you stand up when your legs have been cut out from under you.

Contemplation

2011-02-06T09:36:00.000-07:00

Day 6 - 1/2 way through the weekend (Thank God!)
The library made a nice place to stary warm yesterday but I was a little surprised at just how many loud conversations take place there. Makes it a little difficult to read. Spent the evening in a Chapters until they closed and then retired to my car for contemplation and another night of cold, restless sleep. The sleeping bag helped but not enough. As a result I am down to half a tank of gas. Guess I am going to have to make a decision - food in my belly or gas in the car to stay warm - SHIT!!!

My shoulder is in so much pain right now that my arm is almost non-functional. I find myself typing with one hand just so I don't have to move the shoulder. I can't find a way to sleep in the car without putting pressure on it.

How did I get here? Just when I thought my life was heading towards the success and joy I always wanted - an incredibly gorgeous and loving wife who I love(d?) more than life itself, marvelous children (even if they weren't my own), work that I enjoy, and more - I find myself starting from ground zero. Sure there were financial problems but they can be worked through if everyone puts their mind to it, can't they? One thing I am sure about now, more than ever is that credit is little more than a binding contract with the devil itself. If you can't pay for it in cash or physical work (bartering) you don't need it and you shouldn't have it. There are enough stresses on families these days without wondering just how far into the next paycheck you can stretch things. A house - maybe. It is a true investment in your future in most cases but I can't think of anything else that should be financed.

Could it be that I have just been doing too much thinking with my heart and not enough with my head? My wife would often accuse me off over thinking things and being too logical (which I have a propensity to do) but the truth is the choices and decisions I made were often in stark contrast to what my logic was telling me, because it kept people happy and there was less "discussion". Well the good news is that I don't think I have much of a heart left anymore (I am pretty sure mine would make the Grinch's look big) so I don't need to worry about that getting in the way, do I? I suppose I owe her a thank you for crushing what was left of it!

I need to move forward - I know it - and I know I will be doing it without my wife and family. So be it. There are only a couple of things I want as we go our separate ways, my motorbike and the computers with my stories and books on them. That's all. I know I said I wanted half the horses (and got the crap beat out of me for saying so) but I don't. What am I going to do with them? I would just be recreating the problem we are already in. My only concern is that leaving all those horses there will result in her ruining not only her own life, but her children's as well because of her obsession (which wouldn't be so bad if she could afford it. She has marvelous ideas and plans). Hopefully someone can get through to her.

I have the car up for sale so I can remove the lien from my bike (anyone want to buy a great car?) I have a contract that will take me to the end of June for work (good money but only part time). So what is next?

Short term I need to get my feet under me and shelter over me. If I can hold out this month I can probably get a little tent so I will not need the car anymore. I will try and find another part time job.

Long Term? Well now that I am no longer locked into living in that little area near Sundre (which my wife could just not bring herself to let us move away from) I am free to go where I please. My work and skills easily find me work so I am not overyly concerned about that. I know that Cape Breton tops my list at the moment, but then I may try to stay around here and see if I can get into the vet program at the University.

Longer Term - A nice piece of land on which I can build a small (affordable) house and support a small herd of Shire horses. But you can be guaranteed I won't be running up bills doing it. If I don't have the cash it won't happen! I will build a true craftsman's house from scratch. I can take my time and maybe live in a trailer while I build. The house won't have to be large at all - you don't need much room for one cantankerous old man and I sure as hell am not going to impose my miserable self into some other woman's life. I can not understand why so many of today's houses are so large, often mostly void of its residents most of the time. I have been in homes thousands of square feet with only a couple of people living in it (when they weren't travelling) and I remember my great grandmother living in a house barely 800 square feet with my uncle. That was cosy and comfortable, easy to maintain inside and out, and left them with not only the financial ability to spend time enjoying things outside the house and the great outdoors, but the necessity to get up of their arses and go outside and do something. How many families couldn't benefit from that.

Well there is apparantly a heavy snowfall warning for tonight and it is going to get colder. I still can't seem to get warm at all. But I need to head back to small town Alberta so I can be near work and find a place to park for the night.

The Cold Is Setting In Again.

2011-02-05T20:06:00.000-07:00

Calgary was reasonably warm last night and today but I can't seem to get warm. Now the snow is falling and the temperature is dropping again. I did stop by Value Village and pick up a sleeping bag so hopefully I can stay a little warmer at night. I also picked up a headset for the computer so I can use skype as a phone. Not money I wanted to spend or could even afford but I need to stay warm and I can't call about jobs or anything else if I can't phone.
I never use to be this bad with the cold but last winter (or was it the winter before) I ended up with frostbite on my feet and hands and I have never been the same with cold since. I may not remember the date clearly but I do remember how it happened.
My wife and I were driving home from a friends and we were having a discussion (about horses). At some point she got so mad she pulled over because I would not argue with her any more. There was no safe alternative - argue my point and let her get violent or get out. I got out.
4 hours later, on the coldest winter night of the year with a light jacket and no hat or gloves I arrived home (we live in a rural area and there was no traffic). It was a long walk and I remember at one point just wanting to lie down in a snow bank and say to hell with it all. Maybe I should have.
When I got home I was told the frostbite was my own fault - that I shouldn't have got out of the vehicle. I suppose it was my own fault but I didn't want the violence. What should I have done?
I love this woman so much but seem to do nothing but tick her off. Why is it that I still desperately want to be with her? Why is it that everyday I don't hear her voice I feel like my soul has been yanked out just a little further? Why is it I just want to help her get through this and make sure she is safe and well?
I realize the relationship is probably over - there is little I can do about it now I assume. I asked the officer who arrested her whether or not other couples who had gone through this were able to work through this. He told me there is more and more occuring in these financially stressful times and some work through it and some don't. I am guessing since she won't or can't talk to me that we won't. How can we if we can't communicate? But then maybe we couldn't communicate anyways.
At this point it probably doesn't really matter does it. If I can get her the car so she can get around with the kids, then I can go and not be a concern to her anymore. I am thinking at this point that might be the best plan.
I know there are those that say I am grieving excessively, perhaps even dangerously for something that is not worth it - but it was worth it to me - every moment. The sad thing is, other than having the car she probably won't even realize I am gone.

Why I Hate People!!!

2011-02-05T10:04:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my last post, I talked with some total stranger in the coffee shop last night and pretty much completely broke down. Well it now seems that while I went to the washroom to collect my emotions this nosey bastard had a look at my computer and what I was doing and felt a need to inform the world that he was "worried about me." and now I am getting stupid emails from people I don't know saying "don't kill yourself." and "I love you" and crap like that.
What the hell!!! If he really thought I was a hazard to myself he should have called the cops intstead of surreptitiously sabotaging my life even more.
Of course it is my fault. i can't believe I actually left my computer at the table. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I am just lucky I still have it. Luckily I don't have contact information for anyone on this computer because I have no doubt the jerk would have tried to email everyone in my address book.
Well at least he justified my dislike of people.

Friends

2011-02-05T07:09:00.000-07:00

Day 5 - God I hurt. A six foot body can not sleep comfortably in a four foot wide car. And the cold doesn't help. Not that it was really cold last night but I think I am going to have to invest some money in some blankets or sleeping bag.
Aside from the pain, being in the big city on a Friday night revealed something to me about my own life. Everyone one I saw last night seemed to be with someone else - with friends.
Now I have never been a socialite by any stretch of the imagaination. Everything I did was with people I work with or my wife and family. It is not that we have not had friends over the past six years but unfortunately almost every single one has been alienated because of our horses. If we don't owe them money for pasture than we have placed demands on them to help move horses.
It may sound like I hate horses - I don't. I absolutely love horses. My dream has always been to have a sprawling horse ranch. That has not changed but it has to be done right. What I do hate - what I am bitter about is being placed second to a bunch of horses.
I did send off an email yesterday to my wife just checking in to make sure she was okay. I know she has a no-contact order but I was worried about her and the kids. She never did respond.
No work to go to today, no workplace to go to today (I hung out there on my days off this week). That leaves me alone with nothing to do. Just me and my thoughts. Not to sure that's a good thing as my thoughts are not good. I actually broke down talking to some stranger in a coffee shop yesterday. Just can't seem to hold it together. Probably better that I don't have friends because I am sure they would just get tired of hearning all my problems right now. Besides if nobody knows you than nobody misses you.

The Pain Sets In

2011-02-04T18:03:00.001-07:00

The work day is over and for the first time in years I went out for a couple of drinks with other staff members. It was nice, distracting, but when they left I returned to my car, sat down, and cried. The week end is here and I find myself with nowhere to go, nothing to occupy my time, and no-one to be with. The lonliness is utterly overwhelming and to top it off all the stress and all the pain is setting in. At this point I am not so sure I even want to make it through this weekend. I find myself now with no family, no friends, no real purpose, and no love. I truly think that if I were to just disappear no-one would know the difference or really care.
Anger however is overwhelming my thoughts at this moment - mostly at myself for setting aside my own health and welfare over the past couple of years in an effort to save the family money and keep income coming in. It is probably the lack of food, and sleeping in the cold, cramped car that is aggravating pre-existing problems but I find myself in unbearable pain.
Over a year ago I had an accident that caused major problems with my shoulder, problems that require surgery to repair. Adding to this I have a breathing and blood pressure problem that complicates other aspects of my life. I was scheduled for the surgery but in order to get the surgery done I first needed to be on the CPAP machine I was perscribed. I could not afford the CPAP machine with out adversely affecting the family finances so I did not get the surgery. Add to this pain the fact that my teeth are litteraly falling out in pieces and I can't eat without being in pain - well I am not a happy man. I am an angry, bitter man. I denied myself my health (so surgery, no CPAP machine, no meds, no dentist) so my family could have more. I got up and worked every day in pain so my family did not have to suffer. All for nothing because in the end I don't have a wife and family that give a shit as I sit in this car contemplating another freezing night and trying to plan out how my money will carry me through the next couple of weeks, or if I should even try to get through the next couple of weeks. What really pisses me off is that a herd of horses has put me where I am now and that I rank lower in my lover's heart and mind than those horses.
I think I might be loosing it at the moment.
I am off to Calgary at the moment (the closest big city). It should be easier to sleep in my car less conspicously than in the small town I have been hanging out in. Maybe I can find a way to get a shower as well. Or maybe I can just head west and drive off the side of a mountain and disappear.

What to do? What to do?

2011-02-04T06:39:00.000-07:00

Day 4 - It is just after 6 in the morning and I finally have some food in my belly. I had to wait until just after 5 for my paycheck to be available through the bank machine and unfortunately the bank did take out their payments first (which ticks me right off btw. I pay to do my banking with them, and yes I have a loan that must be paid back to them but why does the fact that they have my money give them the right to decide they should get paid first - before anyone or anything else. I should have the ability to decide when to release money to them just like I would for any other bill. I know for the future I will have my paycheck deposited into a separate bank from one I get any loans or business through.)
So I am heading into the next couple of weeks with a couple hundred dollars in my pocket. Better than some but it is not going to get a roof over my head. I filled the gas tank so I can continue to work (there are no busses where I am) and so I can keep warm at night. I am thinking about putting some money on a prepaid credit card so I can get a Skype account. I need to be able to phone somehow. I can't even call the help line number I was given because I have no phone and the number is restricted from my work phone (unless I make the call from the main office at which point my life and problems will become everyones business).
It is easy to see just how easy a person can become homeless. For whatever reason a person looses the roof over their head, by choice or not, even with a job if they have no savings than their income is spent eating and trying to just stay warm and sheltered somehow. There is no chance to even save some money to put aside to get into a new home of any sort. I am blessed that I have the car (for now) but I fear it is a quick downhill trip. I have alreaedy had to put the car up for sale (thank you Kijiji) because it is one of those debts we are going to have to split or eliminate as we separate.
About that separation, it became obvious to me this morning that, despite how much I love that woman, that love is quickly being buried as an overwhelming hatred builds in me. Everytime my stomach growls it grows. Everytime I find myself freezing with no place warm to go it grows. Every time I stop to examine and analyze my situation it grows. I fear that this hatred may just consume me, if the grief and sadness doesn't do it first.

The First Day.

2011-02-03T23:25:00.000-07:00

''Today is the first day of the rest of your life."
How often have you heard that tripe, usually from some bubbly optimist trying to randomly toss a little bit of positive energy into others lives. I heard it today and all it served to do was add to that that energy within me, the negative energy, which took even greater energy to contain within me, created an even greater negative affect.
Sure, today is the first day of the rest of your life, but the rest of your life might only be 5 minutes, or it might be 50 years of hell. Yahoo!
I am, without a doubt, in a foul mood. You see the first day of the rest of my life was a few days ago, and it came totally unexpected, and it sure as hell wasn't the start I would have chosen. As I come up on day 4 I sit in my car, in which I have been living for three days, freezing my ass off because I need to conserve every last bit of fuel, with a completely empty stomach (well two days empty anyways), and not a cent to my name at this moment.
Perhaps I should back up a little.
I have been living with the most incredible woman and her three children for almost 6 years now. I loved her deeply, more than any other from my past. I was confident that this was going to be the woman I was going to be with until my dying day. Sure we had our problems, but then what couple does not. These problems were more often than not complicated, if not triggered by financial stresses (which came first the empty bank account or the problem you are currently arguing about?) but I was sure we would make it through the tough times - unfortunately she was not. The result was the inevitable "I think I need to be alone for a while."
I was hurt, shattered really, and tried everything to convince her we could make it through, and offered to do whatever I needed to make things work (pretty pitiful, eh). As we talked it became evident that her biggest problem was that she could not talk talk to me about her horses and that she didn't have my full support with them. She was right. We (or she) has more than 30 horses. Perhaps not so bad if you have a place to keep them, the finances to support them, the equipment to care for them, and the time to enjoy them. WE DID NOT! Over the past six years we have run up bills for pasture and feed and vets as she desperately tries to find pastures to rent and move the horses to since our rented 3 acres will not support the herd. We have alienated virtually all our friends and family because of problems with the horses. All this why we are struggling to pay for the roof over our family's head, and keep food on the table and the lights on.
Doesn't make much sense, does it? Well it doesn't to me anyways. I can understanding keeping some of the horses, but all of them? Unfortunately bringing up this concept to my wife has resulted in blind raging violence in the past. The last time I saw the rage coming I stopped and said "fine, you won't discuss this than don't discuss the horses at all with me and do not ask for my help with the horses." (I had come to the personal conclusion that continueing to support her with the horses was like handing a drink to an alcholic).
Unfortunately that did not avert the violent rage. I almost left at that point but she agreed to get some anger management counselling. I think she did. But you can see now why she felt that there was a part of her life she could not share with me and did not have my support in.
While we were discussing an impending separation a few nights ago I made the mistake of saying that I was taking my half of the horses with me. NOT SMART! The result was me stumbling out the front door bloodied and bruised, shirtless and shoeless, trying to make it to the car so I could get away. I made it and headed for the police station (probably what I should have done the first time she was like this). When I got to the police station she had already called them to tell them she had beat me and I was probably on my way to the hospital. (A bit of a shock to the police that the person who did the beating in a domestic violence situation called to say so before they heard from the victim. She really is not a bad person.)
After being treated at the hospital for a broken nose and scratches and bruises, victim services put me up in hotel for the night (at least what was left of it) and we have now begun our separation, enforced by the police no contact order given to my wife.
I left the hotel with $20 in my pocket, a few clothes retrieved for me from the house, and my netbook (which I am using to put these thoughts online) nothing else. No cell phone. No money I can access anywhere. No place to go to. And no friends or family that I can look to for help. I put most of the money into fuel so I could get to work (which was in another town an hour away) and so began my new reality. That fuel in the car is still holding out (as I eek it out trying to warm up the car now and then during the night), I have not had any food in two days. And you really don't get much sleep in a car parked in Tim Horton's parking lot.
As I type this I am waiting for the date to change at the bank so I can access my paycheck. There probably won't be much left was the bank takes out their payments, but every little bit counts right now. It's not going to get a roof over my head but it will put some food in my belly and gas in the tank while I try and figure out the next step.
Before I end this for today let me be clear. My wife is not a monster and I am not without fault in this. I am afterall the cantankerous, crotchety old fart I claim to be.
There is something else. There is nothing in my mind that can be more demeaning than being a man having to go to the police saying "my wife beat the crap out of me." The professionals in the RCMP and victims services get nothing but kudos from me for the way they handled this. Thank you.